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cberg
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16 May 2021, 1:44 am

I'm not really splitting hairs here, I can & should just abandon people who shun me for not understanding 'norms'.

"...f**k the norm."

-Zach de la Rocha (Rage Against the Machine)


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cberg
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16 May 2021, 1:47 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
I'm not sure if I correctly relate to anything you wrote. At times I thought maybe I understood, but maybe not. In the general sense that the relationships among the humans of this planet are not currently what they should be, I'd have to agree. Technology has messed with our heads quite a bit, and so has this pandemic. And all that ignores the bizarre state of politics ...

I do have empathy for anyone who is hurting, although I don't have the ability to fix much for anyone. But it never stops me from trying. Because sometimes an effort hits gold.

A few thoughts, that may or may not have a place in this conversation, but are the ones that came into my mind as I read:

How you interpret the thoughts and intentions of others is probably incorrect. That is true for anyone; all people attribute thoughts to others that say more about the person creating the attribution than the person they are trying to understand. I don't see what you see in the people around us, as a general whole. Each person is unique. Most people can't connect effectively with most other people. We, as humans, create all these layers and mythologies and social expectations in the effort to find those magical connections, and some are more talented at it than others, with more success. But the real people, the real desires and intentions and thoughts, remain something you can only know when they choose to explicitly share it. Which people rarely do. So instead of seeing the human population through a negative lens, see it more through a "don't have a clue" lens. A "don't have a clue and it doesn't matter" lens.

I think it works for someone to approach the world from the assumption that they aren't going to understand the people they come into contact with. First, assuming those around us are unknowable removes the tendency to assume, which can cause unnecessary problems. When we need to know something from someone else, or need to interact, ask directly (but kindly). Second, it best to not give a @*#^@&^[email protected]* what anyone else thinks of you. Conforming to expectations can be a losing game, as can allowing someone else to decide your self-worth, especially since what any of us extrapolate of what someone else thinks is probably wrong. We should be the selves that we want to be, the person we, ourselves, think has value, whether or not others can see it.

I get the sense you care far too much about what others think, and spend too much energy trying to figure other people out. You say you don't care but then express concepts that indicate you do actually care. It is hard to learn how to not care, but I honestly have more and better relationships now that I don't. Odd how that happened.

People confuse not caring what others think with dropping social niceties. That isn't what I mean. I mean follow the generic social rules of being patient, kind, positive and polite, but don't let yourself internalize any perceived meaning from other people's method of interacting, or not interacting, with you.

Remember that no one actually needs a relationship to be their whole, best self. People don't need to hide from the world, either. People should live their lives and chase all the unproductive thoughts about other people out of their minds.

Maybe someday a random person they can actually connect with will come in contact with their life, maybe not. It shouldn't be a goal. It should be something a person is open to and willing to embrace if they are fortunate enough for it to happen. Far too many people form toxic relationships because they are afraid to be alone. Not every couple is happy; it can be an illusion to believe everyone else has someone you don't.

We've all had far too much time alone with our own thoughts this past year for our own good. We need to get out of our heads and out of the negative cycles isolation has created. I don't believe we need friends or relationships to do that; we need physical SPACE. Changing scenery. Changing situations. We should use our minds for ventures we enjoy, developing ideas that fascinate us, etc. Not for worrying about what anyone else thinks.

Anyway. I'm not on this board often enough to remember details about individual posters, so I've not used any history or anything beyond this thread as a starting point. Simply thoughts triggered by the thread that may be completely tangential or random. Take or don't take from it what you will. What I do want is for you to find what you are looking for in your life, whatever that is.


I think about architecture a lot in my job. People are confined in unimaginative places they fail to see simple ways of changing.


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"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen:


cberg
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16 May 2021, 1:51 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
cberg wrote:
:shrug: IDK if mods should move this to LGBT or one of the adult sections. Truthfully there isn't a category for it. There is no floor underneath a conversation when I start it.


They would move it to cberg category.


Image


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-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen:


cberg
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16 May 2021, 1:59 am

Look, I know there's not that much malicious intent in the way people might tend to mistreat me as their own perfect picture of asexuality but that just isn't the truth of the matter.

I'm not here to be walked all over as if you know how non-manly I am. Seriously WTF, does anyone but Boo here have some respect for his fellow dudes?

Can it not all be about sexual status for once?

Nobody is actually better than anyone else, again WTF?

I'm putting a WTF sticker on my car.


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-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen:


DW_a_mom
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16 May 2021, 5:53 pm

cberg wrote:

I think about architecture a lot in my job. People are confined in unimaginative places they fail to see simple ways of changing.


True.


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cberg
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17 May 2021, 1:36 pm

Quote:
How you interpret the thoughts and intentions of others is probably incorrect. That is true for anyone; all people attribute thoughts to others that say more about the person creating the attribution than the person they are trying to understand. I don't see what you see in the people around us, as a general whole. Each person is unique. Most people can't connect effectively with most other people. We, as humans, create all these layers and mythologies and social expectations in the effort to find those magical connections, and some are more talented at it than others, with more success. But the real people, the real desires and intentions and thoughts, remain something you can only know when they choose to explicitly share it. Which people rarely do. So instead of seeing the human population through a negative lens, see it more through a "don't have a clue" lens. A "don't have a clue and it doesn't matter" lens.

I think it works for someone to approach the world from the assumption that they aren't going to understand the people they come into contact with. First, assuming those around us are unknowable removes the tendency to assume, which can cause unnecessary problems. When we need to know something from someone else, or need to interact, ask directly (but kindly). Second, it best to not give a @*#^@&^[email protected]* what anyone else thinks of you. Conforming to expectations can be a losing game, as can allowing someone else to decide your self-worth, especially since what any of us extrapolate of what someone else thinks is probably wrong. We should be the selves that we want to be, the person we, ourselves, think has value, whether or not others can see it.

I get the sense you care far too much about what others think, and spend too much energy trying to figure other people out. You say you don't care but then express concepts that indicate you do actually care. It is hard to learn how to not care, but I honestly have more and better relationships now that I don't. Odd how that happened.


I'm afraid it's become trendy & relate-able not to seemingly not give a damn. People cooler than I actively ignore quite a lot. It's almost like caring how people feel intersects with caring how people feel about me, which is in turn a bad look. :?

If people say I'm not ready for a relationship, they aren't ready for my brain anyway. I'm on year 3 contracting at my second fortune 500 & I'm not done learning. I use REAL technology. I don't use computers to put up walls & categories between people. I hastily deleted a post here in which I mentioned my type of sensitivity isn't really on the market. I don't date online, I don't "social network", I don't tweet, I don't blog & I don't hardly even text.

I'm more or less entirely decided against participating in a system that treats me like an IT guy & nothing more.


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"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen:


cberg
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17 May 2021, 1:40 pm

It's the other people unequipped for a relationship with me. I'm perfectly happy blame-shifting when it's all the rage to "stalk" everyone on Facebook unless you're a guy.


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-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen:


DW_a_mom
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17 May 2021, 5:33 pm

cberg wrote:
Quote:
How you interpret the thoughts and intentions of others is probably incorrect. That is true for anyone; all people attribute thoughts to others that say more about the person creating the attribution than the person they are trying to understand. I don't see what you see in the people around us, as a general whole. Each person is unique. Most people can't connect effectively with most other people. We, as humans, create all these layers and mythologies and social expectations in the effort to find those magical connections, and some are more talented at it than others, with more success. But the real people, the real desires and intentions and thoughts, remain something you can only know when they choose to explicitly share it. Which people rarely do. So instead of seeing the human population through a negative lens, see it more through a "don't have a clue" lens. A "don't have a clue and it doesn't matter" lens.

I think it works for someone to approach the world from the assumption that they aren't going to understand the people they come into contact with. First, assuming those around us are unknowable removes the tendency to assume, which can cause unnecessary problems. When we need to know something from someone else, or need to interact, ask directly (but kindly). Second, it best to not give a @*#^@&^[email protected]* what anyone else thinks of you. Conforming to expectations can be a losing game, as can allowing someone else to decide your self-worth, especially since what any of us extrapolate of what someone else thinks is probably wrong. We should be the selves that we want to be, the person we, ourselves, think has value, whether or not others can see it.

I get the sense you care far too much about what others think, and spend too much energy trying to figure other people out. You say you don't care but then express concepts that indicate you do actually care. It is hard to learn how to not care, but I honestly have more and better relationships now that I don't. Odd how that happened.


I'm afraid it's become trendy & relate-able not to seemingly not give a damn. People cooler than I actively ignore quite a lot. It's almost like caring how people feel intersects with caring how people feel about me, which is in turn a bad look. :?

If people say I'm not ready for a relationship, they aren't ready for my brain anyway. I'm on year 3 contracting at my second fortune 500 & I'm not done learning. I use REAL technology. I don't use computers to put up walls & categories between people. I hastily deleted a post here in which I mentioned my type of sensitivity isn't really on the market. I don't date online, I don't "social network", I don't tweet, I don't blog & I don't hardly even text.

I'm more or less entirely decided against participating in a system that treats me like an IT guy & nothing more.


Just to clarify, I don't favor and am not suggesting the trendy "I don't give a dam" which involves not only not caring what people think about you, but not caring about people and society at all. I care about others a lot, and I care about serving a positive role in society. Society works best when we all care. But what I won't spend energy on is worrying about what people think about ME or my actions. My life experience has shown me that we all have a terrible tendency to misread or make inaccurate assumptions about what others see when they look at or think about us. It is that element that I consider a losing proposition. Just be the best kind of person you want to be.

If I read you correctly, you are proud of the role you play in our economy. That is a good thing. I have a more difficult time understanding what you want from this board when it comes to your issues on the social side, besides the opportunity to vent and maybe work things out for yourself in your own posts. The main thing I picked up on was frustration with how you think others view you on the social side. But, as noted, I think worrying about or making decisions based on how you THINK others see you is a losing proposition.

Maybe I'm completely out of place. My effort at a contribution is what it is.


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cberg
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17 May 2021, 6:21 pm

No worries, my threads tend to ramble a lot.

More than frustration at how I'm perceived, it's the way people, women usually, pick up on it, jump to conclusions & act accordingly. Nothing I say about my own way of relating ever gets anywhere, there's no reason to hold it against anyone, but it's seriously isolating. I need to make room for this kind of conversation with people who know me.

True meta-cognition is not a matter of totally ignoring my emotions like so many guys here pretend it is.


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-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen:


DW_a_mom
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18 May 2021, 2:59 pm

I hope life gives you the opportunity to cross paths with more people who can truly connect with you. It’s a rare thing, but I hope you find it.


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