Official Diagnosis, and Grief? Denial? Not sure

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Hi,

I am new here, well it's been a few weeks and I joined because I was awaiting an evaluation and diagnosis. Within the last few weeks, I have been evaluated and diagnosed with ASD. The second from my therapist and the final diagnosis came yesterday, following a 1.5-hour discussion with the neuropsychologist.

I live on my own, and take care of myself to the best of my ability. I don't have parents or anyone to take care of me or do for me so I have had to figure things out through lots of trial and error, and still through trial and error. A lot of women on the spectrum have PTSD in addition to ASD just due to a lot of abuses we may have experienced, I am one of those women.

Anyways, since being diagnosed, I am having a hard time letting it sink in. I have fought so hard against myself and my differences neurologically that it is incredibly difficult to accept this, and what it means. I know, labels don't matter but I think it's important to recognize and care for myself in this new light. When I look back at my life, it's so upsetting how it went, because I didn't know and will be better now because I know, but it's like I am having a hard time with adjusting to what I really am like, I have refused to accept myself my whole life, and tried to be normal like everyone else and deny any special need or want, and just raged against myself and hurt myself to deal with life even the things hurt, were uncomfortable, abrasive, so on and so forth just for the sake of appearing normal, acting normal, and meeting NT expectations.

I am quite sensitive right now, so I would prefer not to be trolled or attacked, but if you have any experience with this or guidance, or thoughts, please share them. I am not sure I will respond but if I can muster the energy I will try.

It's like realizing the whole time I have been walking on a tightrope, and just looked down for the first time. Or realizing I am on the truman show or something. Just a veil pulled back.

Thanks,

Browneyedgirl

Haha. I feel on the Truman Show as this is similar to my lifes experience...

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Hey, there is a good book called "Knowing Why" about adult-diagnosed autistics. You might want to take a look.

Right there with you. Diagnosed a year ago. I had convinced myself I was normal - so had a hard time answering questions. Do I have anxiety? No, but I am agitated and upset All The Time. ...Guess what? I have Anxiety. Who knew? When I looked back at school-aged correspondence it was wild how many times I was called "strange". Well, everyone's strange in their way, right? Apparently some more than others.

There are five stages of grief according to that popular whatever it's called. Expect to go through all of them, repeatedly, at different times, at the same time, etc. Completely normal. As normal as we are, albeit a minority.

You've found your Tribe! Welcome!! !!

At first, I was relieved that my suspicions were validated. But, since then think I might be in a little bit of denial, because I feel so “normal”. Like, if I were diagnosed with acute appendicitis, the catalyst would be sudden, obvious and abnormal physical symptoms.

But with this, there is no sudden onset; I realize that while everything about me is normal to ME, my diagnosis is based on the NT world’s perception of me. I think that’s the part I’m still getting used to.