Regular Loneliness vs Anxiety From Having Always Been Single

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usagibryan
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19 May 2021, 9:23 am

I'm having trouble concentrating at the moment because my perpetually single status is on my mind again. There are lots of resources and testimonies on the internet from people who are single and feel lonely but it's often in the context of someone who recently broke up or haven't dated in a while, or maybe they are in a loveless marriage, etc. None of which I can relate to.

I'm experiencing loneliness for sure but more than that I'm having an existential crisis about getting older and never having been in a relationship and not understanding why. The older I get the more difficult it is for me to relate to people and their experiences, when someone my age talks about their marriage when I still feel like a teenager, etc. I'm so used to being alone I feel like it's done some damage and I wouldn't be able to function in a relationship if it ever actually happened. Like a feral child that can't integrate into society after having been raised by wolves. I'm also worried about becoming bitter (I feel a stab of jealousy when I see or hear about couples and I don't like that).

Unfortunately can't do anything about it right now, I'm simply not in a position to try and start dating again (financially, psychologically, etc) so there's no use worrying about it and it's getting in the way of focusing on what I need to do right now. I just can't help feel like there is some kind of clock ticking and I'm approaching or have already passed some expiration date.



Alterity
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25 May 2021, 12:47 am

I've been in relationships before but I think I can relate to what you're feeling/thinking.

That sense of the ticking clock and a bit of a feeling of desperation. Because if it goes on too long, the probability of it happening is lessened as time goes by. then as those around you continue to move you find yourself pushed out and isolated no matter how they might try to include you, you just can't relate and it can feel very lonely.

The longer one remains alone, you start to doubt your capability of even being able to be with other people in any kind of normal or natural manner too.

Whether you become bitter or not is a bit of a choice. I think even the best of people can't help but feel a little bitter with unfortunate circumstances that feel unfair though. Largely I think it has to do with how you view yourself; if you see yourself as the victim you are definitely likely to get bitter. You have to be able to get out of yourself and look at others with a different viewpoint than the one where you are lonely.

Easily done as said, right? /sarcasm


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"Inside the heart of each and every one of us there is a longing to be understood by someone who really cares. When a person is understood, he or she can put up with almost anything in the world."


idntonkw
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25 May 2021, 1:52 am

usagibryan wrote:
I'm having trouble concentrating at the moment because my perpetually single status is on my mind again. There are lots of resources and testimonies on the internet from people who are single and feel lonely but it's often in the context of someone who recently broke up or haven't dated in a while, or maybe they are in a loveless marriage, etc. None of which I can relate to.

I'm experiencing loneliness for sure but more than that I'm having an existential crisis about getting older and never having been in a relationship and not understanding why. The older I get the more difficult it is for me to relate to people and their experiences, when someone my age talks about their marriage when I still feel like a teenager, etc. I'm so used to being alone I feel like it's done some damage and I wouldn't be able to function in a relationship if it ever actually happened. Like a feral child that can't integrate into society after having been raised by wolves. I'm also worried about becoming bitter (I feel a stab of jealousy when I see or hear about couples and I don't like that).

Unfortunately can't do anything about it right now, I'm simply not in a position to try and start dating again (financially, psychologically, etc) so there's no use worrying about it and it's getting in the way of focusing on what I need to do right now. I just can't help feel like there is some kind of clock ticking and I'm approaching or have already passed some expiration date.


I'm the same age as you.

I knew I never had a chance even when my grandmother told me (8 years old) I will take girls to the movies when I get older. I don't have the mental capacity to be a boyfriend, friend, or dating partner. I get tired, bored, ignorant of the other person's feelings, etc. Even other autists stop liking me eventually. Try to find comfort in... something. Some autists have girlfriends and wives. Sometimes they are fellow autists, or have ADHD, or are a little nerdy and off too. Sometimes they are normal women who don't know what they are getting into, other times the women have enough emotional reserve to be OK with it because of other qualities of the man or the little NT qualities he has are enough.



usagibryan
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25 May 2021, 9:22 am

Alterity wrote:
I've been in relationships before but I think I can relate to what you're feeling/thinking.

That sense of the ticking clock and a bit of a feeling of desperation. Because if it goes on too long, the probability of it happening is lessened as time goes by. then as those around you continue to move you find yourself pushed out and isolated no matter how they might try to include you, you just can't relate and it can feel very lonely.

The longer one remains alone, you start to doubt your capability of even being able to be with other people in any kind of normal or natural manner too.


You hit the nail perfectly on the head, damn.

Alterity wrote:
Whether you become bitter or not is a bit of a choice. I think even the best of people can't help but feel a little bitter with unfortunate circumstances that feel unfair though. Largely I think it has to do with how you view yourself; if you see yourself as the victim you are definitely likely to get bitter. You have to be able to get out of yourself and look at others with a different viewpoint than the one where you are lonely.

Easily done as said, right? /sarcasm


I see myself as a victim but I'm also the perpetrator, if that makes sense. I did this to myself, and wouldn't be in this situation if I wasn't so timid/reclusive/risk-averse when I was younger, and the older I get the more I realize how easy it could have been if I had just tried. Or maybe I'm just a product of my environment (I was a sheltered/coddled kid) or genes, idk.

I know the bitter feeling is not a good look so I try to stave it off. It's ironic that the effects of loneliness scare people off and actually make it harder to connect with people, etc. The only thing I can do at this point is "work on myself" and hope that gives me confidence, attracts people, etc, as they said it should.

idntonkw wrote:
I'm the same age as you.

I knew I never had a chance even when my grandmother told me (8 years old) I will take girls to the movies when I get older. I don't have the mental capacity to be a boyfriend, friend, or dating partner. I get tired, bored, ignorant of the other person's feelings, etc. Even other autists stop liking me eventually. Try to find comfort in... something. Some autists have girlfriends and wives. Sometimes they are fellow autists, or have ADHD, or are a little nerdy and off too. Sometimes they are normal women who don't know what they are getting into, other times the women have enough emotional reserve to be OK with it because of other qualities of the man or the little NT qualities he has are enough.


Don't you think you wrote yourself off a little too early? Have you tried being in a relationship and you know you can't do it or are you assuming it wouldn't work? I still struggle but I feel like I've evolved over time.

As for finding comfort in something, I have my hobbies to keep me busy, and I have friends now thankfully, although the pandemic has made it harder to maintain those relationships.



Alterity
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28 May 2021, 1:10 am

usagibryan wrote:
Alterity wrote:
I've been in relationships before but I think I can relate to what you're feeling/thinking.

That sense of the ticking clock and a bit of a feeling of desperation. Because if it goes on too long, the probability of it happening is lessened as time goes by. then as those around you continue to move you find yourself pushed out and isolated no matter how they might try to include you, you just can't relate and it can feel very lonely.

The longer one remains alone, you start to doubt your capability of even being able to be with other people in any kind of normal or natural manner too.


You hit the nail perfectly on the head, damn.

Mn. Having an outlet to let the inner turmoil is of some help, but beyond that I unfortunately don't have any real good advice for you in terms of dealing with it(the loneliness of it).

I don't think you need to worry too much about you being alone too long, and then not knowing how to function in a relationship though. If you continue/have meaningful social interactions and forging and maintaining your friendships you will be practicing many of the skills you would need for a relationship. A romantic relationship adds something but the basis of all relationships are the same, so you're not loosing anything in terms of your base.

Also, every relationship is kind of a learning experience. How you function in one relationship isn't necessarily how you will in another. We're influenced by the people we meet so how we connect has different faces. One relationship you may feel rather inept, another will feel easy, and yet another you may find yourself with better relationship skills. You legitimately just never really know ~_~

I don't think you have a time limit for when you can have your first relationship. Though it might get a bit tricky because women would likely have some expectation for you to just know how this or that works in a relationship. But if you have a good communication with each other it's solvable.
usagibryan wrote:
Alterity wrote:
Whether you become bitter or not is a bit of a choice. I think even the best of people can't help but feel a little bitter with unfortunate circumstances that feel unfair though. Largely I think it has to do with how you view yourself; if you see yourself as the victim you are definitely likely to get bitter. You have to be able to get out of yourself and look at others with a different viewpoint than the one where you are lonely.

Easily done as said, right? /sarcasm


I see myself as a victim but I'm also the perpetrator, if that makes sense. I did this to myself, and wouldn't be in this situation if I wasn't so timid/reclusive/risk-averse when I was younger, and the older I get the more I realize how easy it could have been if I had just tried. Or maybe I'm just a product of my environment (I was a sheltered/coddled kid) or genes, idk.

I know the bitter feeling is not a good look so I try to stave it off. It's ironic that the effects of loneliness scare people off and actually make it harder to connect with people, etc. The only thing I can do at this point is "work on myself" and hope that gives me confidence, attracts people, etc, as they said it should.

You're the victim because you're suffering but you see it as your own fault, thus you're the perpetrator, yes? I think you might be, being just a little but hard on yourself. With anything social part of it depends on other people. So we could do everything we can right and being the right setting but it could not mean anything if the others around just aren't receptive. Additionally for many on the spectrum (I'm assuming you are since you're here) we are by nature often shy, introverted, and fearful of the unfamiliar and risk. This is something that doesn't mix so well with our society or with trying to reach a opportunity...but it's not something that we as individuals should have to feel disproportionately burdened about for going along with what feels safer and natural. Maybe you could have pushed yourself more, but its not like it would have guaranteed better results. I've had many times in my life where I could say the same, if I had just tried harder or something along those lines. But I've also had times where I DID try and it didn't necessarily give me more favorable results. Sometimes I tried TOO hard and in those cases I actually regret more than not trying enough. Sometimes things just work out favorably, life feels very unfair that way.

Working on yourself is always a good thing to do, I don't care who you are or what kind of life you live. Everyone can be better. I don't know about how much attracts other people but I can attest to the it giving more confidence. To feel more...solid in your skin(who you are).

The fact that you have friends gives you some windows that some people here don't have. Like if you're feeling particularly lonely you could message them and talk about anything really. Sometimes just the interaction and some distraction can be pretty helpful.


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"Inside the heart of each and every one of us there is a longing to be understood by someone who really cares. When a person is understood, he or she can put up with almost anything in the world."


idntonkw
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Joined: 29 Apr 2020
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Posts: 474
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28 May 2021, 4:09 am

usagibryan wrote:
Alterity wrote:
I've been in relationships before but I think I can relate to what you're feeling/thinking.

That sense of the ticking clock and a bit of a feeling of desperation. Because if it goes on too long, the probability of it happening is lessened as time goes by. then as those around you continue to move you find yourself pushed out and isolated no matter how they might try to include you, you just can't relate and it can feel very lonely.

The longer one remains alone, you start to doubt your capability of even being able to be with other people in any kind of normal or natural manner too.


You hit the nail perfectly on the head, damn.

Alterity wrote:
Whether you become bitter or not is a bit of a choice. I think even the best of people can't help but feel a little bitter with unfortunate circumstances that feel unfair though. Largely I think it has to do with how you view yourself; if you see yourself as the victim you are definitely likely to get bitter. You have to be able to get out of yourself and look at others with a different viewpoint than the one where you are lonely.

Easily done as said, right? /sarcasm


I see myself as a victim but I'm also the perpetrator, if that makes sense. I did this to myself, and wouldn't be in this situation if I wasn't so timid/reclusive/risk-averse when I was younger, and the older I get the more I realize how easy it could have been if I had just tried. Or maybe I'm just a product of my environment (I was a sheltered/coddled kid) or genes, idk.

I know the bitter feeling is not a good look so I try to stave it off. It's ironic that the effects of loneliness scare people off and actually make it harder to connect with people, etc. The only thing I can do at this point is "work on myself" and hope that gives me confidence, attracts people, etc, as they said it should.

idntonkw wrote:
I'm the same age as you.

I knew I never had a chance even when my grandmother told me (8 years old) I will take girls to the movies when I get older. I don't have the mental capacity to be a boyfriend, friend, or dating partner. I get tired, bored, ignorant of the other person's feelings, etc. Even other autists stop liking me eventually. Try to find comfort in... something. Some autists have girlfriends and wives. Sometimes they are fellow autists, or have ADHD, or are a little nerdy and off too. Sometimes they are normal women who don't know what they are getting into, other times the women have enough emotional reserve to be OK with it because of other qualities of the man or the little NT qualities he has are enough.


Don't you think you wrote yourself off a little too early? Have you tried being in a relationship and you know you can't do it or are you assuming it wouldn't work? I still struggle but I feel like I've evolved over time.

As for finding comfort in something, I have my hobbies to keep me busy, and I have friends now thankfully, although the pandemic has made it harder to maintain those relationships.


My dad was an autist and my never liked him when she married him (she just wanted kids and all the guys she was into were bad boys who would not stick around), and she would always let my dad know that he is not normal and that women don't like him and that she does not like him for this reason or another. My dad didn't realize she wasn't into him because he is an autist, but he accounted it to my mom having a bad personality and not wanting to commit or being interested in a relationship with him, and like she could change her mind if she wanted to. My mom also rubbed it into me that I am afraid of girls, she would always highlight that as something wrong about me but also she would tell me not to talk to girls or tell them to go away. But I also was aware of other kids talking better than me and not wanting to hang out with me once they get to know me, or rather not being able to get to know since I was useless in 1:1 hanging out. So I always doubted it would work with me and girls and it didn't.