08 Jan 2022, 10:36 pm
08 Jan 2022, 11:06 pm
funeralxempire
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Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 25,456
Location: Right over your left shoulder
09 Jan 2022, 12:28 am
cyberdad wrote:
If you are a man all you need photos of your BMW, condo and 6 figure salary AND/OR photo that makes you look like Brad Pitt
I've never had any of those.
And yet somehow I have enough success to never feel discouraged on that front.
09 Jan 2022, 12:57 am
funeralxempire wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
If you are a man all you need photos of your BMW, condo and 6 figure salary AND/OR photo that makes you look like Brad Pitt
I've never had any of those.
And yet somehow I have enough success to never feel discouraged on that front.
I need a third category don't I
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 25,456
Location: Right over your left shoulder
09 Jan 2022, 1:07 am
cyberdad wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
If you are a man all you need photos of your BMW, condo and 6 figure salary AND/OR photo that makes you look like Brad Pitt
I've never had any of those.
And yet somehow I have enough success to never feel discouraged on that front.
I need a third category don't I
Not really, at least it's not likely relevant to my observation.
Being intellectually engaging, interesting and genuinely interested will go a long way.
09 Jan 2022, 1:17 am
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 25,456
Location: Right over your left shoulder
09 Jan 2022, 1:24 am
09 Jan 2022, 1:29 am
funeralxempire wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
If you are a man all you need photos of your BMW, condo and 6 figure salary AND/OR photo that makes you look like Brad Pitt
I've never had any of those.
And yet somehow I have enough success to never feel discouraged on that front.
I need a third category don't I
Not really, at least it's not likely relevant to my observation.
Being intellectually engaging, interesting and genuinely interested will go a long way.
In my experience, you can gain short term dates or hookups as a biological male by being those things that you mention.
I have never met a biological woman who wants a relationship with me though & I get the strong inclination that it has at least something to do with my lack of material success in their perception.
It's logical though - why would a biological woman bother with a biological guy who doesn't add anything monetary to their life - especially if they are living in a capitalist society?
09 Jan 2022, 1:30 am
09 Jan 2022, 1:32 am
09 Jan 2022, 4:55 am
Gentleman Argentum
Veteran
Joined: 24 Aug 2019
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 557
Location: State of Euphoria
09 Jan 2022, 5:20 am
Rexi wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Rexi wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Rexi wrote:
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Foxmanrox wrote:
I've been using dating apps and stuff for years and i wish i didn't want it or feel the need for it. I only had one gf and that was because fetlife. But because i don't know how to socialize without a "reference sheet" of interests and i need to see if there's common interests otherwise i can't.
I like dating apps, saves me time and bother. Otherwise, I would never meet any single, compatible, good-looking women, ever. So far, I have met single, good-looking women, just none were compatible, they want something different (usually closer, richer, 100% hetero, or quite often, younger--the 40+ women are eyeballing the twentysomething boys) or else I want something different (fit, fun, independent financially, smart, open-minded).
I am looking for the last date, someone to settle down with, not a bunch of meaningless sexual conquests going to give me a disease to keep me scratching in my golden years. But some women my age see things different, they want young men 18 - 25 to make believe they themselves are young women again. Some of them already dealing with diseases, other mens' children, don't know who the daddy is.
There's so much judgement you write about, the way you talk about other people's situations. About women who like sex, about people who have children because they got pregnant. I mean, you can't judge all that for these people for their past. They might be difficult situations but at the same time, I dont think blaming people for their shortcomings and expecting the perfect person to show up when you aren't perfect is going to help you find what you're truly looking for.
I also think in order to reach success you would benefit from seeing what makes women do those things in those situations, understanding their issues and understanding how lives can turn unfavorable, how minds and issues work. The high quality woman who has her life figured out which you dream of, takes you to be the high quality man. To capture the attention of such a woman who works all the time, and is also really sweet, do you know what traits you have to have?
Expecting no jealousy in relationship is very unreasonable I'd say, because you yourself have been dealing with it, when that woman was talking about thinking about getting on with her ex, and how it made you give up fighting for her despite probably having chances to. Some rebound is tough to deal with, then again some rebounders want to be helped out of rebounds, and offering her something better could prove to help her choose you. Just her seeing you make an effort could be enough. Maybe she told you and was honest with you in hopes you would convince her, not just to treat you badly. Maybe she was coming to you with this issue because she needed your help, or needed time to decide the best option for herself.
I have to say you're looking at a lot of details and I have to wonder about the most important thing, if you would be able to love a person who is not much of those things but who actually genuinely is trying to build something stable with you. If you would find it valuable enough or you wouldn't be able to get past your judgements or expectations.
There's something that gives me the feeling that women will have a really hard time even trying something with you, things could get pretty ugly if you get mad and you would rush into a decision based on that feeling. That's besides of the feeling that they will never be enough for you or be able to rise to your expectations.
I have to mention I really dont like people who are so unwilling to share their finances. I mean, also not having a job, some women wouldnt expect them to help with money, it would bother them maybe and complicate things, but at the same time imagine if those women want to build a life together with a man and he keeps hiding his finances, not wanting to share and being so uptight about that rule and fearful of being used for his money that its almost obsessive. Also women like gifts, not paying for flowers or giving gifts or taking her out, or even worse, taking her out when she doesnt have a job and expecting her to share what shes saving thatll last her a week is just insensitive. Could go on walks in parks instead of ever paying, but if he has the money and never takes her out because of his fear of spending with her, itll come off as very selfish.
I have a family friend who expects the man to help her with money, not be a greedy bastard watch her in her struggle and not care, while also expecting her to be successful and show her off, she really doesnt have much and works and pays all her money on her rent. This is not the kind of woman that would use you, this is a woman who wants to have a future and a life together. She just always finds greedy immature bastards who have excessively high expectations from her and dont see whats really important in life from a partner and that shes not like the other women who are so superficial.
If you come across as superficial, and greedy or selfish, imagine what kind of women you'll attract.
You replied to a message I wrote shortly before a woman messaged me out of the blue on Reddit. I was suspicious at first and tried to weed her out straightaway, but she persisted and proved to be everything that she said she was, and much more, indeed the best woman I have ever known. I am completely in love
now and have been so for several months now.Neither of us are greedy or selfish. Instead, I try to be generous, and she does, too. For example: recently we met. I bought our plane tickets, she paid for the hotel and the food. Fair is fair. When I give her things, she reimburses me their value, so that I never feel like she is taking advantage. She is completely independent, and her integrity is beyond reproach. I just feel lucky to be alive and to have her love.
We are also about the same age, which I think helps in relationships. When there is age disparity, the younger partner tends to look for compensation $omehow.
I just think where one partner is paying the way, it is not a smooth dynamic, eventually something has got to give, there comes a time when motives are evaluated and questioned, like what would happen if the money flow ceased or greatly reduced? At what point does a partner actually become just a hired companion?
The greatest thing is when two people are completely independent and get together for absolutely no material reason, but just because they like each other's company, are great friends and love spending time with one another. It is the modern way of relationships.
That last thing doesnt require financial independence. People dont necessarily have to use your money if they don't have a job. Theyre not necessarily inclusive.
Modern way? What about people who dont have a job like me? Do we not exist in the modern times? I'd argue we do a lot more now than before, especially in my country, job security is very low.
I do not know how things are in Romania. Do what you gotta do. I do think that the cost of living is probably a lot lower in Romania and other European countries, but I do not know how you make a living over there. Sometimes I fantasize about living in Spain, or Ireland where money goes a lot farther. That would make for an exciting retirement, especially because I am a history buff.
Hope things turn up for you somehow, perhaps the ticket is to find someone that will help you out after all. Perhaps you will be kind enough to accept their being older or having other disadvantages in exchange for what they can offer in security & opportunity. That happens every day and on the Internet it is easy to connect with someone, even from a different country as you no doubt are aware. A lot of people in the world are lonely and really crave a friendship and even better a companion, and it seems that you have a lot of love to give, so the potential is there.
I'm with r00tb33r, if you remember, like I was before, except now we're exclusive. We are engaged after we met in Vienna and spent 9 days together.
I wasn't looking for a relationship because of my mental issues. Relationships have always stood in the way of my happiness and made my life even harder and more impossible than it already was, deeming me unable to fix my issues. I made extremely bad choices for mates. The reason why I was poly was in a last attempt to make something work for me and avoid getting overly involved because that brings many issues with it. But this time I'm lucky, in such nature that it actually improves my issues, and I can have a monogamous relationship.
I've never considered the costs and have always worried about the guy spending because I know a lot of men complain about that. They make lots of money and go on dates but theyre never happy. To me a date on a bench makes me feel more free from a crowd which is eating and talking, I dont prefer restaurants before parks.
It goes against my value to live off of people for their money, even if it's to be accepted in relationships to be sharing and accepting help. I don't choose not to be successful, I want to be. My aim was always not to be labeled and put on special pension even though mom wanted it to be arranged. I wanted to seek my success the long hard way and I wanted to earn my money like normal people do, I can' be only the person who is taken care of, there must be so much more I am good at and can do in life. I have very strong values generally about myself, my choices and the way my life is supposed to be. But I very much struggle accomplishing them. I've always dreamt to be independent and untied by people, I would not care and make my own choices in life and do whatever I wanted. I'm a free bird at heart.
I've often looked at money and rich people with disgust (maybe influenced of my religious indoctrination but after giving up religion too) and it never helped me in life because money is important but I struggled caring to make them and judging people is unfair. The rich people don't really understand many things. But there's something special about r00tb33r, he doesn't stupidly spend and is careful about expenses, but also is not greedy and recognizes necessities. To say so i much appreciate his gifts over like bouquets of flowers, or expensive jewelry regardless of my interest in gems and metals, he really knows what a woman needs. And he is much more than his money, he has a kind and loving nature, and conflict and issue resolution like i've never thought exists. Besides all this he is really lovable and fun and happy so its so good to have him in my life, he also likes to have fun. I was also lucky enough to be the one who he lost his virginity with, too. I tend to value stats of people whom society looks down upon for no reason, and virgins have value in many ways to me. Despite being a virgin, he's also the best, I'd say that's a very impressive stat. He's really smart, gentle, creative and productive, despite the challenges of being on the spectrum and everything else.
This is the best message you have written, in my opinion, and it warmed my Thank you for that. I really like seeing other people make good decisions and being happy, especially with another person.
I think being exclusive is a good idea, & it worked for most of human history & prehistory. So, I am in a relationship too and my girlfriend also is long distance, but she told me if I want, I can date another woman or man, because she cannot relocate yet. I told her I was not interested in that. I am content with daily emails, texts, phone calls, occasional video chats & flights to meet one another once in a while.
I learned throughout life how to be O.K. alone, even without any friends at all. I do get lonely but the loneliness is quenched by simple phone calls. It may even be optimal to have a long distance relationship.
She and I got together recently and had great sex. I was not experienced in heterosexual sex. She was patient, kind and had been giving me lessons through video about technique. From what she reported, I performed better than most of the straight guys she has ever been with. It is because I listened carefully to what she instructed and did all of the things that she said to do. I also was very patient, eager and affectionate (both of us were). I think kindness is the main thing in a relationship, just being patient & kind & very communicative with your partner.
I do not think virginity or lack of experience matters at all in a mate, if that person is willing to listen, and highly motivated to perform well and to please their lover.
In the long term, my girlfriend and I plan to live together, but it may be after I retire. I have a good job where I am at, and when I retire, I plan to move out to where she lives and live with her. In the meantime, we can visit one another, hopefully on a regular basis, and get practice in living together and learn more about one another.
I am not in a rush to live together with anyone, I rather like living alone actually. My girlfriend does want eventually for us to live together, but her job situation isn't ready yet either. I am optimistic and think that things will work out. I do like to travel, even flying, which surprised me. I like travel when the destination on the other end is someone I love.
I wish the best for you & r00tb33r & hope the future brings happiness & joy!
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,461
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
09 Jan 2022, 5:37 am
14 Jan 2022, 6:56 am
14 Jan 2022, 4:30 pm
Velorum wrote:
I dont go out and socialise or get involved in activities outside of work so both of my marriages were the result of work based relationships. These were before I figured out that I was autistic and adjusted my expectations of myself and others accordingly. An earlier identification might had avoided a lot of the problems on both sides with these.
After the second one ended I decided to give on line dating a try and signed up to a site.
Things seemed very intense in a short period of time with people I communicated with - and then lots of ghosting. I put my disappointment down to my naivety. I tried to be as honest as I could in my description including the things I just cant cope with like high expressed emotion, anger, social situations, unexpected changes to routine etc.
The first short team relationship that ensued was awful and the lady in question only disclosed the fact that she suffered from a bi-polar condition once I was 'hooked'. It was not long before the mask slipped with her volatility, anger and need to control others. Extracting myself from that was difficult.
The second relationship lasted two years but only because I found it even harder to extract myself - this lady became incredibly manipulative and as I now realise, abusive. Again, she had masked her volatility and propensity to anger well at first. As I resisted her effort to 'change me' things became worse. It was some time before I discovered that she had a dual diagnosis of bi-polar and emotionally unstable personality disorder.
At which point I gave up - I am not equipped to safely navigate such things. Its hard enough in real life - adding the filter of on line persona's and the kind of behaviour that is common on the internet its even more difficult, at least for someone like me.
I now live alone and am not actively looking for anyone. If something happens at some point then so be it, if it doesnt then Im OK with that too. I sometimes think about looking for some kind of site exclusively for autistic people but to be honest my experience of mainstream sites has put me off.
After the second one ended I decided to give on line dating a try and signed up to a site.
Things seemed very intense in a short period of time with people I communicated with - and then lots of ghosting. I put my disappointment down to my naivety. I tried to be as honest as I could in my description including the things I just cant cope with like high expressed emotion, anger, social situations, unexpected changes to routine etc.
The first short team relationship that ensued was awful and the lady in question only disclosed the fact that she suffered from a bi-polar condition once I was 'hooked'. It was not long before the mask slipped with her volatility, anger and need to control others. Extracting myself from that was difficult.
The second relationship lasted two years but only because I found it even harder to extract myself - this lady became incredibly manipulative and as I now realise, abusive. Again, she had masked her volatility and propensity to anger well at first. As I resisted her effort to 'change me' things became worse. It was some time before I discovered that she had a dual diagnosis of bi-polar and emotionally unstable personality disorder.
At which point I gave up - I am not equipped to safely navigate such things. Its hard enough in real life - adding the filter of on line persona's and the kind of behaviour that is common on the internet its even more difficult, at least for someone like me.
I now live alone and am not actively looking for anyone. If something happens at some point then so be it, if it doesnt then Im OK with that too. I sometimes think about looking for some kind of site exclusively for autistic people but to be honest my experience of mainstream sites has put me off.
What a nightmare
I relate to your experience. There are destructive people everywhere, but dating sites often seem like a good place for them. I hope you're happy and doing well.
Gentleman Argentum
Veteran
Joined: 24 Aug 2019
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 557
Location: State of Euphoria
18 Feb 2022, 2:58 am
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