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Fenn
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26 May 2021, 9:57 am

Nades wrote:
That's weird. The people who have the most friends and I consider the most socially skilled have none of these skills.


The observation you are making is a good one and I think the solution is this: social skills aren't always about getting along with people - they are also about power. The subject of game theory addresses both of these aspects - the getting along has to do with the "win-win" or "the rising tide raises all ships" side of game theory. The pushy skills has to do with the "win-lose" or "win-at-any-cost" side of game theory. In some situations - especially one where the relationship has long term value - such as in a romantic relationship, building friends and allies or a long term business relationship - you cannot win in the long term unless you build the relationship which is valuable to both parties and keeps both parties in the relationship. In the second case like the high school "king of the hill" game some people play, or in a court battle or some kinds of negotiating or sales - the relationship will end after the initial interaction and winning at the expense of the relationship - or to establish a pecking order ( I may peck you but you may not peck back ) is what matters.

In some social situations the goal is to split up the pie equally, so future pies can be split up. In some social situations the goal is to get as much of the pie as you can - and the assumption is that everyone else is playing for the same goal.


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Nades
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26 May 2021, 10:35 am

Fenn wrote:
Nades wrote:
That's weird. The people who have the most friends and I consider the most socially skilled have none of these skills.


The observation you are making is a good one and I think the solution is this: social skills aren't always about getting along with people - they are also about power. The subject of game theory addresses both of these aspects - the getting along has to do with the "win-win" or "the rising tide raises all ships" side of game theory. The pushy skills has to do with the "win-lose" or "win-at-any-cost" side of game theory. In some situations - especially one where the relationship has long term value - such as in a romantic relationship, building friends and allies or a long term business relationship - you cannot win in the long term unless you build the relationship which is valuable to both parties and keeps both parties in the relationship. In the second case like the high school "king of the hill" game some people play, or in a court battle or some kinds of negotiating or sales - the relationship will end after the initial interaction and winning at the expense of the relationship - or to establish a pecking order ( I may peck you but you may not peck back ) is what matters.

In some social situations the goal is to split up the pie equally, so future pies can be split up. In some social situations the goal is to get as much of the pie as you can - and the assumption is that everyone else is playing for the same goal.


There are different types of social skills. I think I can very broadly put them into two categories.

:- Dominant and obnoxious leading to short term gains but friendships that always hang on by a thread and regularly snap.

:-Open to negotiate, gentle and empathetic leading to long term stable friendships.

I had a female "friend" like the former in the past. Her fondness of gossiping, spreading rumours, gloating and attempting to dominate everyone around her eventually turned everyone away from her at a time in her life she needed her friends the most. Her husband committed a very serious criminal act and because of her abrasive and dominating behaviour towards people weaker than her her friends thought she assisted in those crimes. Whether she did or not was irrelevant in their eyes as the offence wasn't much of a step up from how she always behaved anyway and was a crime that was right up her "street" so to say.

A load of lifelong friendships lost in days......gone forever.



ToughDiamond
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26 May 2021, 10:57 am

Technic1 wrote:
Apart from getting on with other people and saying the right thing?

Little or nothing, in my view. If you know how to get on with people well then you have good social skills.

Allright, I suppose you could include manipulating people as a kind of social skill. But to me that's more like a personality disorder that hopefully will be found out sooner or later. "Social skills" doesn't really describe that very well, although technically it kind of works.



Fenn
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28 May 2021, 7:16 pm

Simple Social Skills


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30 May 2021, 2:35 am

Nades wrote:

Googling "List of Social Skills" put  This List  at the top of the page.

• Effective communication
• Conflict resolution
• Active listening
• Empathy
• Relationship management
• Respect

There is even a section on how to improve your social skills.


Anything else like this?



Fenn
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03 Jun 2021, 3:51 pm

https://ajot.aota.org/article.aspx?articleid=2109138

Research Article
Issue Date: March/April 2015
Published Online: February 03, 2015
Updated: April 30, 2020
Comprehensive Social Skills Taxonomy: Development and Application
Nancy A. Kauffman; Moya Kinnealey
Author Affiliations
American Journal of Occupational Therapy, February 2015, Vol. 69, 6902220030. https://doi.org/10.5014/ajot.2015.013151

[ . . . ]

1. Verbal Presentation includes goals addressing the need to modify use of words (content) that interfere with acceptance by others.

2. Nonverbal Presentation includes goals addressing the need to modify behaviors that interfere with acceptance by others.

3. Emotional Response includes goals addressing the need to modify emotional reactions to frustrating, new, accidental, or unexpected occurrences or when transiting from one situation to another.

4. Play includes goals addressing the need to modify behaviors related to playing and working with others.

5. Awareness of Self and Others includes goals addressing the need to improve conscious consideration and valuing of oneself and other people.

6. Interpersonal Relationships includes goals addressing the need to initiate and maintain effective relationships with other people.

7. Feelings About Self includes goals addressing the need to modify level of self-esteem.


[ . . . ]


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Fenn
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20 Jun 2021, 4:12 pm

https://opentextbc.ca/socialpsychology/ ... eadership/

Social Skills involve power - and power may not be a good thing


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Technic1
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22 Jun 2021, 12:35 am

If we could think of the right thing to say would that be all that social skills are?

I don’t think so….?



auntblabby
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22 Jun 2021, 12:50 am

Technic1 wrote:
If we could think of the right thing to say would that be all that social skills are? I don’t think so….?

in a way, that would be a practical method of achieving a working mastery of social skills, if you just have that "savoir faire" of it, the quick automatic knowing. as long as you didn't feel the need to look under the hood of it [IOW navel-gaze].



ToughDiamond
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22 Jun 2021, 1:36 am

Fenn wrote:
https://opentextbc.ca/socialpsychology/chapter/obedience-power-and-leadership/

Social Skills involve power - and power may not be a good thing


I suspect power ultimately has more to do with having control of the purse strings or the ability to otherwise really affect the victim's life, though I suppose psychology might fool a lot of people. God help anybody who tries it on me though.



JustFoundHere
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03 Aug 2021, 5:25 pm

WP's forum: Social Skills & Making Friends.



starkid
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03 Aug 2021, 6:33 pm

"Social skills" refers to a very broad range of abilities.

It basically refers to knowing how to think and behave in a way that allows one to reach one's goals in social situations without unintentionally harming the other people involved in the social situations.

"Unintentionally harming" means making people angry, scared, embarrassed, etc. when those effects are avoidable and unintended.



rpcarnell
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28 Aug 2021, 3:10 am

It is their way or you are a victim rather.

The_Znof wrote:
so called social skills are bunch of bs mostly, its their way or their highway.

Fnord wrote:
Is your googler broken?




:wink:


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naturalplastic
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28 Aug 2021, 8:24 am

Pretty much this:

starkid wrote:
"Social skills" refers to a very broad range of abilities.

It basically refers to knowing how to think and behave in a way that allows one to reach one's goals in social situations without unintentionally harming the other people involved in the social situations.

"Unintentionally harming" means making people angry, scared, embarrassed, etc. when those effects are avoidable and unintended.


And that in turn involves getting into peoples' heads. Looking at it from their pov.

And that can involve a little flattery here and there, and little bs here and there.



browneyedgirlslowingdown
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28 Aug 2021, 5:24 pm

In my experience, socially acceptable tools of manipulation.


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Rexi
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28 Aug 2021, 9:10 pm

naturalplastic wrote:
Pretty much this:

starkid wrote:
"Social skills" refers to a very broad range of abilities.

It basically refers to knowing how to think and behave in a way that allows one to reach one's goals in social situations without unintentionally harming the other people involved in the social situations.

"Unintentionally harming" means making people angry, scared, embarrassed, etc. when those effects are avoidable and unintended.


And that in turn involves getting into peoples' heads. Looking at it from their pov.

And that can involve a little flattery here and there, and little bs here and there.

Doesnt flattery and bs involve that you cant actually find any good things in others? Wouldnt that constitute an issue with intimacy and bonding with them which are the primary items to help you be in good relations with others and at the same time have it genuine and fulfilling for you so it can also last and improve your life?


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