The truth about how love and attraction really work

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Many people like to think that they choose their partners primarily based on characteristics like honesty, kindness, or things they share in common. They will often gush about how they love the way their partner smiles, or how good they are with children and animals. But this is hogwash, as the same people meet many others with those same characteristics but yet still feel no sexual attraction to them and relegate them to being "just friends".

This is how it actually works:

Whenever you meet a member of the opposite sex (or your own sex is that's what's applicable to you), you immediately determine whether you sexually attracted to them or not. Basically, you subconsciously divide everyone you meet into one of two categories: A) people you are physically attracted to, and B) people you are not physically attracted to.

What happens next is that you evaluate only the people in Category A for the secondary characteristics that are important to you in a partner. These may include honesty, work ethic, sense of humor, shared interest, etc. However, you've already decided that you have no romantic/sexual interest in any of the people in Category B from the start, so if any of them possess the same characteristics, you simply see them as "friend material". You will evaluate the people in Category A, and quickly lose interest in some because you have no common interests, and be completely turned off by others because you they're liars and cheaters. But you will always choose your partners from the people in Category A that you are comfortable with. However, for those Category B, no matter how much you may share in common, no matter how much they make you laugh, no matter how much you feel like you can open up and be yourself around them without fear of judgement or scorn; you will never consider them as anything more than "just friends".

Basically, you may choose an attractive person who's nice over an attractive person who isn't. But you will never choose an unattractive person who's nice.

I've seen some pretty unattractive people nuzzle up to attractive people on the train. Of both sexes. Unattractive man/attractive woman. Unattractive woman/attractive man.

I wish the people on your job would try to fix you up with someone.

In my life, I've been with both young women and old women. I've had the best times with the older women.

Well then.....according to your logic, someone just might find you attractive.

I know it seemingly hasn't happened yet....but I wouldn't preclude it happening in the future, that's for sure.

I disagree with the OP, although I cannot speak for others.

I'm pretty sure, based on the partners I have chosen, that I am not picking partners out by their physical attributes. This is not to say I have picked out good partners in the past. Quite the contrary. But I didn't do it based on physical characteristics.

My current relationship, going on 15 years, was totally based on shared interests, what kind of "lifestyle" we wanted, and a commitment to spirituality.

Hmm... "Love and attraction" are pretty subjective. I'm apparently what some call "demi-sexual" and I feel no sexual attraction to someone I don't already have fairly deep feelings for. I'm not "lying to myself" about this. It's different for everyone. Don't get too attached to just one way of looking at things. It may be the way you function, but not necessarily the rest of us.
Not trying to be argumentative, just wanted to say that there are other ways of being, that's all. When I meet someone, I may think they are aesthetically pleasing (and yes, those are the terms in my head) or not, but that has nothing to do with anything for me. The people I have developed romantic/sexual feelings for have always been people who were in my life for a bit already. I have never felt sexual attraction for anyone other than a partner, at least since my mid-teens or so. Demi's are on the "asexual spectrum" and I pretty much never think about sex unless it's pretty clear that it's happening soon. I realize from your posts that's not your experience, I just wanted to let you know that there's a lot more ways it can be.

Have these friends told you why you wouldn’t be romantically suitable?

If they are such good friends, and know you well, they should seek to help you in this sort of thing. Give you advice. Things like that. I can’t give you suitable advice because I don’t really know you.

You might not like what I say sometimes....but I don’t believe total resignation, thoughts of suicide, and all the rest are the way to go for a person who has accomplished what you’ve accomplished. Nor for any person, really, unless they are in pain and terminally ill.

I guess I would be upset, too, if I wasn’t successful romantically. I haven’t been a total success...yet I am still here. I’m married, but not really happy with it. Being in a relationship is no panacea....trust me!

No sir. I don’t believe there is anything seriously wrong with you. I believe luck hasn’t been on your side romantically.