Autism and crying?

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The longest serious relationship I had before meeting my wife was with a young woman who I believe may have had some form of autism. Something that has occurred to me is that for the duration of this relationship, I never saw her cry (or heard her do so over the phone). As much as I hate having to deal with a partner crying, in particular if I feel helpless to mitigate whatever is causing her to cry, I wonder if things might have worked out better if she had sometimes cried, as it might have made me more sensitive to her feelings. Could there sometimes be a connection between autism and a woman never crying in the presence of her partner? Of course like most such topics, I am certain it would not apply to all autistic women and I'm certain many women on this site frequently cry their eyes out. I can't remember when I last cried as I was probably still a child, although I had meltdowns later in life but they didn't involve actual crying. But I think that is more a gender difference than anything else.

My understanding of Asperger and Autism could include a reduced tendency to cry. It could also include an increased tendency to cry.

I think we often deal with grief differently, some may cry more, some less, often at unusual times. That can get us into trouble. People might think us uncaring for not crying when they think we should, and they might think us weak or manipulative for crying when they think we shouldn't. As far as I can see, there's not much help for it except to explain and to hope they're not too quick to pass glib judgement.

Showing "appropriate" emotion does seem to be one of those things that secures co-operation. I read about a campaigner recently who said he'd tried for years to get people to listen to his arguments, but only really started winning hearts and minds when he made a deliberate effort to "get emotional" about it with them. I can't remember whether he was neurodiverse or not. It annoys me that the world seems to be like that, because I'm always more suspicious of somebody who jumps up and down about the idea they're trying to persuade me into accepting, but I don't suppose the world is going to change.

Personally I tend not to like it when people cry, except maybe once if it's pretty unusual for them to do so. I tend to be rather gender-blind (and prefer to be), so I don't see it as a particular sign of insensitivity if a woman doesn't cry. I'm more likely to admire her for appearing less wishy-washy than the stereotype. My partner cries fairly often and I don't like it. I tend to feel that the display of grief is pulling me down, rubbing off on me and threatening to overwhelm me, and I myself much prefer stoicism in demeanour, though I have no problem about people honestly describing their negative feelings and problems or asking for my help with them. Having said that, although she cries, she doesn't lose her grip on her problems at all, so it's purely a psychological effect it has on me, though I do rather wish she wouldn't do it.

I'm not exactly ashamed of crying myself, and it angers me that there's this gender-binary thing around that says men shouldn't cry (though I think women are more tolerant of men crying than men are) - just that I'm more geared to economy of sentiment, I prefer to keep the expression of most of my feelings moderate and sober, and I'd rather other people did as well. Strangely, I can tolerate intense laughter quite well, but that's probably the only emotion I can tolerate if it's really intense. And I like some kinds of strong emotion in music sometimes, though not prolonged blubbery sorrow.

I cry at the strangest things. Often it's been when I'm telling a sad part of a story (not usually a story about myself) - not fiction, but more often factual history. Or some songs make me feel so tearful I can hardly speak, though only in cases where the sorrow of the song is conveyed kind of indirectly.

I don't like crying in front of guys and didn't want to cry around my boyfriend at first, but because crying can be uncontrollable for me if I'm feeling emotionally fragile, I have no choice but to cry in front of him.
Guys cry less, I've never seen my boyfriend cry, and I feel guys aren't so compassionate when you're crying as women are.

I cried A LOT when I was a child, which was a welcome trait for the bullies to abuse.
This made me stop crying completely when in my teens, and it is only recently that I've begun crying again.
I tend to do it uncontrollably much or not at all, I guess that may be an autistic thing - all or nothing...

/Mats

I cry more easily than most people. I hate it. I start my days with coffee in order to give myself a buzz so I'll be too high to cry.

I cried easily as a small boy but after my best friend beat the s**t out of me for hitting his girlfriend with a ruler accidentally I stopped from 12 until I was about 20. I thought being a man meant not crying but that just lead to using other coping mechanisms like violence and getting mired down in toxic BS.

That's a good question Max. I wasn't a crybaby child and as I grew older I learned to hide my emotions from others. At my grandmother's funeral when I was ten I wanted to cry naturally, but I felt too guarded. I couldn't get the tears to start, and I knew it looked strange or offensive to others. I eventually forced myself to cry by putting my favourite, small plushie toy in the trash bin so that I would worry about it being lost. Somehow, that brought the tears which had otherwise been buried. (Yes I rescued my plushie lol -- desperate times bring desperate measures).

As an adult I've never been able to cry when I take SSRI, and even when I'm not on them I tend to hide my tears from people close to me. I'm embarrassed and afraid to be vulnerable. I'll put up a flat facade but break down in private.

My boyfriend cried when his cousin died. I think the only time he has seen me cry was when I had a meltdown in a copy shop, trying to prepare school reports for my ADHD assessment. It was an overwhelm / frustration type of cry instead of a sad one. I really do need to stop being so stoic. I wish I could let my guard down more often, but it's hard.

My body feels the need to cry when frustrated or overwhelmed. It’s very, well, frustrating, because usually the last thing I want is to draw attention to myself or have other people asking me questions.

The concept of actually having any real control over crying is entirely foreign to me, no matter what I do neither stopping nor starting is at all voluntary, really all I can do is try to keep people from noticing, I would be ecstatic if I had some way of preventing it so maybe people would just leave me alone when I’m upset and can barely communicate anyway.

I cry pretty easily, I try not to cry in front of family, but I would definitely feel comfortable crying in my fiancée’s arms (when we first met I was crying happy tears for more than 30 minutes.) and Definitely in front of God Jesus the Holy Spirit and angels (if I ever run into one) sometimes it’s the opposite and I know I need to let it out but I can’t.

I don't cry easily.
But when I do, it can escalate into violence and/or while holding back said violent urges.

While I had recently understood the real point of crying, my mind will always say there isn't a real point to it and would beat myself for actually crying or the idea of being upset.


Yes, I have this inane habits and unreasonable thoughts about my own emotions.
It's not limited towards men or strangers -- my head will always criticize about it, that it's my fault for being upset and I should not have the right to be upset.

Not necessarily a form of discomfort of expressing emotions, but more like a form of being intolerance to certain sudden change -- almost like how some autistics do not like surprises.

Probably because of my childhood experiences.
My head had equated "upset" for "making trouble" and "inconveniences".
Not because of something drastic or tragic like abuse, but because my reactions to said emotions usually leads to violence.

Then having to hold back said violence while at it. For me to end up crying is like dealing with two emotions attempting to contradict and exacerbate each other instead of one.

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I don't cry much as an adult and haven't since around 9-10 or so years old. I think my inability to cry is more from trauma than anything else. I do feel the "need" to relatively often, I just can't do it.

Autistics often express their emotions atypically. That certainly can include not crying.

It is quite normal for NT men to not cry much. My boyfriend hardly ever cries, he even says so. I tell him it's OK to cry and that crying for the right reasons isn't unmanly, but he says he physically can't cry that easily.

Some men think crying is for kids, especially crying at a sad movie or when a pet dies. But crying over that isn't childish at all. I remember my uncle cried when his dog died. He sobbed uncontrollably in front of his family and his girlfriend. It didn't make him any less manly. It proved that he loved his dog, which is a beautiful and healthy thing.

I think you're on to something. My ASD mother avoided her feelings (to this day) which means a lot of withdrawal and occasional rage. Not good. I will cry at the drop of a hat relative to a story or a friend's crisis, but put a personal crisis in front of me? No crying. Push that aside. Recently I have cried while dreaming - I kid you not - screaming, wailing, crying and they feel great!! ! When I lost six pregnancies in a decade it occurred to me I should cry more, but I couldn't. So it kind of lingers inside. I have it in mind to "process" that one day. So without the crying I tend to be withdrawn or occasionally vicious angry (like my mom). This week I was so overwhelmed that when my NT husband was mean ---- I cried hysterically, b/c it's on ON/off thing. I somewhat prefer that to the suppression or rage. I hope to find emotional moderation ... the holy grail of ASD. In the meantime, I am wound up like a top from the ongoing stress of my life demands. To feel or to put aside feeling? How to feel? Less life demands provides relief for sure. That ship has sailed for now (raising two children).

Did you cry? It's a shame the world still messages: don't cry it's a weakness. And if ASD women seem more "masculine" it follows suit we tend to do the same (not cry).

I cry a lot and don't trust people to cry around them. Regardless I have cried in front of my boyfriend and every time he asks me what's wrong, it's hard to talk about it and risky but I have learned it's probably a good thing to talk and i value it and he's trying to understand me and soothes me, so im not so scared to cry and talk about my feelings. Except it weighs on most people who listen to me and can get tired of my issues to the point of breakup.

When I'd get bullied in school i held back in the face of constant abuse, there were times id rush home when classes were done and fall on my knees in my room crying at which point mom would keep asking what's wrong and start yelling at me as i was crying loudly unable to hold back, shed blame me and make me feel even worse.

Oftentimes my exes would blame me for crying because I tried to manipulate them but in the end they were the manipulators. I have had some exes on the spectrum and they wouldn't cry, they felt build up yet inability to cry. They would not like it when I'd cry, call me emotional, irrational, sometimes I have hid it. They weren't open like I am, they didn't like to talk about things. I've had exes who would get extremely angry at the time id cry if I told them something in our relationship is the matter. It was really difficult because all I needed was just to be held and listened to and id try to understand them. It'd end up with threats or them just leaving the conversation.

I sometimes used to get instant relief the moment I started crying. Lately it's more balanced and I'm sensitive to like animal issues and people but in a positive way. It doesn't affect my mental to the point I can't get out of that state. It's a beautiful thing to feel for the needy and vulnerable ones and learn lessons from their lives. Life is not great but I want it to be. It can always be worse.

Fun fact: some posts here seem to be from June

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