I am not right.

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My childhood was not very normal. The elementary school I attended was not able to deal with a child like me. I find out in my later life that I am dyslexic and was unable to read, I was made fun of because of that and being fat. By the third grade I was diagnosed with being hyperactive and put on Ritalin and flunked that grade. At the start of the new year of my 2nd third grade the powers that be felt they needed to put me and my desk inside a large cardboard box. The box was closed on 3 sides. Me and my box were at the back of the class, there I would stay that entire school year. I was called box boy, kids would make fun of me, pick on me and bully me. The fourth grade was very emotional for me. I remember crying aloud in class a great deal. I had become isolated from everyone. My parents were not there for me. My father would rage and hit me over the slightest thing. My mother was an alcoholic. I was lost. There was plenty of more things but to keep this short this was sort of how I grew up.

I was angry and I did not trust humans. In my teens I found a paraphilia behavior that was not human based. I have never been able to trust people enough to allow one into my shell. On the other hand non-humans have never hurt me.

I am seeing a counselor now to try and salvage what is left of my life. I am tired of being lonely and hating humans. He suggested that I take some of the online test to see if I have ASD. He was correct in his assessment. Years ago I discontinued the paraphilic behavior. I am wondering is "different sexual behavior" (not nessarly the kind I did) something that is prevalent with us ASD's than with NT's ?

welcome, Tom, to WP. you are in good company here.

It sounds like you have some legitimate reasons for not trusting humans, but no one is broken beyond repair. BTW, what was the deal with box?

Welcome. You are valued.

The box thing is interesting because you can kind of see how they would have considered it a solution. They probably felt that your being distracted could be solved by limiting what could distract you. It could have been worse. Consider all the people who died from the "medical" practice of blood letting.

The industrial approach to education can only see non-conforming children as defective because they see their system as inviolate. We home-schooled our children because the monolithic and mechanical approach to processing children we saw as harmful no matter how well intentioned the teachers were. (one can read the books by John Taylor Gatto)

There are some of us that had an abusive childhood. Like cops, emergency room nurses, combat veterans, and priests one comes to be separate from the "normal" social flow of life if one has extensive exposure to the bad things in life.

However life is not over as long as there is still breath. One might not ever to be able to plunge with care-free abandon many have into the social world. However, there are still ways to connect and build relationships even if on the fringe of the larger social world.

There will always be a gap between those who have survived difficulty and the superficial. Consider all the WWII vets who were unable to connect with others and became alcoholics. The first step would be to diminish negative habits and behaviors. These can be held on to as coping mechanisms, but often become obstacles to engaging with others.

The second is to become skilled in assessing others. As there is no point in wasting time with those unable to see the world with the clarity you have, you will most likely find it advantageous to identify those who also have a broader view of the world.

The third step is to work at developing the skill of gradual exposure. Trust is an issue for those who have been hurt. It is easy to shut everyone out. However, once a person learns how to let others in in small steps, you can still protect yourself.

The fourth step is to identify places where the odds are better of finding others who are more inclined to compassion than ridicule. For example, volunteer work or churches might be safer places to meet people than bars or political rallies.

One can rebuild a life and actually find happiness.

Thank you everyone, It does help to feel part of something.

I really don't understand the box I was forced to be in. A hard part was that my parents agreed to this. I suppose the school staff made a convincing argument. I know how it felt and the pain & anger, I was in a new class of peers that I was not allow to bond or be part of.

It may have been what started me down a path that was not right.

Thank you timf I wish I could have convinced myself to get help before I was 59. I would have known why I have been shunned for so many years. I do fine in the work place, but my job is a machine opperator and I have not a lot of contact with humans at my job. oh how I wish I could have a reset button.

Whats the thoughts of getting a offical diagnosees at my age? Would it help me in the future?

^^^it is never too late to find out something about oneself.

I am not sure a diagnosis would be of any value. You are the one that knows yourself best. Professional people are good at assigning labels (which may or may not be correct), but often come up short in helping in practical ways. The people on the forum are usually better at providing practical advice.

Be careful not to fall into the regret trap which can lead to bitterness and poison a life. A life lived looking forward can be rewarding each day. If you find ways that you can say a word of encouragement or kindness to those you come in contact with (even briefly), you might find that in addition to making their day a little better, you make your own as well.

You mentioned your mother was an alcoholic. You might want to go to an ALANON meeting and see if there are any opportunities to offer encouragement to others who may not have made as much progress as you have.

So they actually put your desk in a box. That is so intriguing because I still remember sitting in 4th grade wishing my desk was in such an enclosure. I can still see the picture I constructed in my mind of what it would look like. But I never told anyone about it.

I was going to ask why you were not considered for special ed. When I went to school in the late 1950s and early 1960s such did not exist. And it appears you were in elementary school just after that time, probably before special ed came to be.

Growing up I dealt with an alcoholic father, psychotic mother, and a sociopathic brother so I can appreciate what your childhood was like.

I have not pursued an official diagnosis because my discovery happened about the same time I retired. I reasoned that at that point it was not worth the trouble and expense.

Welcome to WP; we are here to help.

TomBarclay, you are all right by me. Welcome! I am glad to meet you!