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Earthbound_Alien
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02 Jun 2021, 12:51 am

Does anyone else here not enjoy socialising because you can't relax and be yourself around people?

Everything you do is wrong and all they do is constantly complain at you...even for doing things they do all the time.

Do they act as if they have no faults and you have no good points?

Do you get fed up with it and find you prefer your own company?



timf
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02 Jun 2021, 7:15 am

Perhaps it is the result of our industrial one-size-fits-all approach to education that most people see the world in monolithic terms. It can be frustrating to be different (more focused, analytical, or sensitive) and attempt to engage with a group that is uncomfortable with differences.

This is why people tend to self-segregate into groups with whom they have more in common (artists, musicians, cops, plumbers, etc.)

Life can be much more pleasant if we do not expect others to behave to our expectations, but learn the minimal skills necessary to survive essential social situations (masking, brevity, and superficiality).

It can be more rewarding to invest your time with those others with whom you can be more open. The trick is finding them.



Fnord
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02 Jun 2021, 9:15 am

I really have not much trouble socializing.  It is the post-event comments that I must deal with.

"You said WHAT to the Russian ambassador?!"

"It is called 'Afghanistan', not 'Ratznestistan'."

"The polite term is 'buxom lady', not 'chick with bodacious ta-tas'."

"I do not care whose turn it was in the barrel, that joke was inappropriate!"


:lol:



Edna3362
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02 Jun 2021, 9:44 am

If I don't feel like it.
If I'm not in control or at equal terms.


If socialization feels more like a job to accommodate everyone over yourself instead the whole point of socialization as the humans describes -- connections and enjoyment.


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Steve1963
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02 Jun 2021, 10:40 am

Earthbound_Alien wrote:
Does anyone else here not enjoy socialising because you can't relax and be yourself around people?

Everything you do is wrong and all they do is constantly complain at you...even for doing things they do all the time.

Do they act as if they have no faults and you have no good points?

Do you get fed up with it and find you prefer your own company?

I do not enjoy socializing. I can't just be myself (whoever that is) and masking is exhausting.



ToughDiamond
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02 Jun 2021, 11:52 am

Yes the sense of risk spoils a lot of it for me. I often feel like I've been dumped among a bunch of natives in some far-flung part of the world where all the customs and even the language is disturbingly different to my own. So the best I can hope for is to get the mineral-mining rights off them in exchange for a few cheap, coloured beads, then go off and have a crafty snigger at them for being so gullible. And I wouldn't want to do that even if the opportunity arose. There's nothing objectively wrong or inferior about these people. They're just not mine, and I can only get it to work by pretending I'm one of them, and that's uncomfortable to say the least. What are they going to think if my mask slips? I want to go home, but there is no home. Except solitude, and that's a very lonely thing. My own people don't exist. I miss them.

That's probably an over-bleak picture of how it really is for me. We all have our basic humanity in common, there's always some points on which we can relate. There are traces of my own people in a lot of folks. Sometimes there are more than traces. There was once a whole group with which I had an awful lot in common. I still get to see a few of them now and then, and I occasionally meet new people who show strong signs of coming from the same stock. They don't seem quite as comparable to me as they once did, but there are still moments when they say or do something that makes me feel like I made it back home.



DuckHairback
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02 Jun 2021, 12:36 pm

Yes, I really struggle socially.

I can just about get along if I'm talking to one or two people, I shutdown in groups of people. My mind goes blank and I just let others talk. I think I probably come across as aloof or disinterested, or just uninteresting.

I have no problem when I consider there to be a 'purpose' to the interaction. For example I can talk about work with clients and colleagues, if I am interviewing someone I can manage fine.

But if it's just me being social for the sake of it, I'm pretty much lost.



Steve1963
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02 Jun 2021, 12:39 pm

DuckHairback wrote:
I think I probably come across as aloof or disinterested, or just uninteresting.
I often wonder what people make of me in social situations.



ASPartOfMe
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02 Jun 2021, 7:40 pm

Earthbound_Alien wrote:
Does anyone else here not enjoy socialising because you can't relax and be yourself around people?

All the time

Earthbound_Alien wrote:
Everything you do is wrong and all they do is constantly complain at you...even for doing things they do all the time.

Do they act as if they have no faults and you have no good points?

Not openly, but sometimes I wonder what they say behind my back.

Earthbound_Alien wrote:
Do you get fed up with it and find you prefer your own company?

I prefer my own company anyway, being socially unskilled adds to that desire but it is not the primary reason for preferring my own company.


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ToughDiamond
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03 Jun 2021, 3:22 am

To answer the other 3 questions I overlooked in my previous post:

Earthbound_Alien wrote:
Everything you do is wrong and all they do is constantly complain at you...even for doing things they do all the time.

Do they act as if they have no faults and you have no good points?

Do you get fed up with it and find you prefer your own company?


People never constantly complained at me and I've not noticed any great hypocrisy when they have. Maybe the people I've known were culturally disposed to being more polite than the ones you know. So in my case I experienced various uncomfortable incidents with people here and there over the years, which convinced me that I had a bit of a knack of upsetting people. After a very late diagnosis of ASD I realised that was behind a lot of those incidents, and that therefore it wasn't just them who were being as*holes, that because of my condition I was prone to get into problems with people. I'd noticed that people tended to accept each other more readily than they accepted me.

In the main I don't think they acted as if they were faultless and that I had no good points. They often seemed to see themselves as more reasonable people than they perhaps were, but I was probably just as guilty of that. Most of us have difficulty with our own pride.

I don't prefer my own company to being with people. I don't feel that they treat me particularly badly. I tend to feel resentment that we can't be more compatible and emotionally I often feel very tempted to blame them for it, but I don't truly think they're to blame. I think it's just unfortunate. I think I'm as blind as they are, just in different ways. For example, they're often wedded to rituals, and that makes me so uncomfortable that I could kick them for it, because I can't relate to their rituals so all I see is the discomfort and harm they cause. But for some reason those rituals mean a lot to them. It's silly, but then so are a lot of my ways.