Always Feeling 10 steps behind non autistic people

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Hugs! I didn't take it that way at all! I know that you meant a congenial community of like-minded or neurodiverse folks who are respectful of one another. I think I'm the freak for not wanting it, and always wanting to be alone. Your sentiment is much more common on WP than mine.

Yes especially in conversations involving multiple people. I am always replying to a topic when the conversation is multiple topics beyond the topic I am replying to.

Well here's me chiming in on you side . Well, sort of.

For a decent period of time I just wanted become a hermit and completely isolate myself. Sadly, I learned the hard way that I need regular social contact to keep my mental health in check. I still kinda wish I could completely isolate myself, but add in my still strong desire for a significant other and some companions, I know it's not possible.

Back on topic, though: I've always kinda taken my own path, so although I may fall behind I don't spend too much time dwelling on comparisons to others.

I mean, it pops up in my head every once in awhile and feels bad, but I know that comparing yourself to others (in most cases) is just straight up unhealthy for your mental state. The only thing that gets me down is when people ditch me to pursue..whatever it is they're currently pursuing.

But comparing myself to others just seems like a futile endeavor. Everyone is born into different circumstances, including that of body and mind. Rather, a far more effective comparison would be with our past selves, so we can focus on learning about ourselves, our limits and our potential. It's only by learning about that stuff that we can learn how to improve ourselves as best as is physically possible. And that's why I consider comparing oneself to others futile. It's inevitable that someone is going to be born with all the advantages, so if you've achieved the nebulous goal of improving yourself as fast as is physically possible then wanting more is literally banging your head against the walls of reality.

It's not fair, no, but the universe doesn't work like that. Fairness is a social sense we gained from evolution because it helped our ancestors survive the challenges they faced back then. It doesn't exist anywhere else in reality but in social comparisons. No one is surprised when a rock placed on a steep hill starts rolling down. Perhaps we shouldn't concern ourselves too much when the universe does as it's always done, and focus instead on what we can do and be happy about what we have done.

this really made my day

I was just on Facebook and saw a set of photos from four women I know that I didn't realize knew each other who were off backpacking in a place that I love. I was not invited, and have never been invited to a single outing of theirs. I am not sure why I am never included or part of anything, but that is the way it has always been. It's interesting, I travel a lot, I explore a lot, I am educated, and interesting, but for some reason, I give off this impression that I am not interested in connection, or maybe it's that whole double empathy thing. ..they read me wrong and i read them or something of the sort. That hurt me today, but it's okay, I am not like them and would prefer to spend time with people that understand what I am like rather than not. I moved away from that place after three years because in three years I did not make a single friend that was inclusive. It just was not the right place for me.

About the initial post, I used to not consider the lives of others as a measure of who I am or where I am supposed to be. Then I lived in California and was with a man who literally did that nonstop about every single part of his life which I then picked up. For the last 5 years or so I have been slowly letting that go, still, the social piece escapes me. Recently though after my diagnosis, coming here, and connecting more authentically with people without masking I have found connection. And it is such a beautiful feeling. I think too, focusing on my special interests has been better for me, although I have shoved them down so much ..I am starting to bring them out again and pursue them, I don't know if this is helpful but your path is not theirs, you have your own, and whether that is the riveria or field of flowers or something else it is valuable.

Sorry for ranting I have been struggling for so many days and still am but slightly better.

This has happened to me before and it hurts to even think about it. There used to be 3 people I worked with who were all my age, and they suddenly got friendly with a couple (also my age) who I knew before they did, and they all spent time together at weekends without even attempting to invite me. I hinted that I liked the things they were doing, but they still didn't invite me. They'd talk about it at work and I felt so left out. I was always friendly and always ''got'' their jokes and laughed and was easy to talk to and get along with, yet they completely left me out, and I don't think it was even deliberate. They just didn't care. Maybe one of them would have invited me, but they all sucked up to the ''alpha'' of the group, who didn't like me for God knows what reason. I was just disappointed because I'd have loved to have gone out with a group same-age colleagues, it would make me feel so normal and accepted. Also I liked them and was interested in them.

That's what I feel like too (or aspire to feel like).

I was led to believe that I was fairly intelligent - top sets, great expectations - but even my "dumb" friends have surpassed me over time in terms of jobs / experiences / apparent happiness.

I did meet someone special, we married and had children, but we are now living apart, though still friends and in theory lovers.

I have not had the opportunity to try and make friends in the last few years, but I think I get on better with people who are unlike me.
For instance I get on well with my No1 son's friends. They're between 13 and 17 (and all a bit atypical from what I hear)... Which makes me about 23 years younger than I really am.

Last edited by Cuppacoffee on 15 Jun 2021, 6:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There's a saying - "it's not what you know, it's who you know." You can be willing and able to do an excellent job, but in the world of work I think there's often a strong downward pressure on anybody trying to climb the ladder, which seems to take a combination of social / political skills, plus an insane degree of hard work and downright ruthlessness, to overcome.

I read about a bit of research they did to breed a bunch of superior "alpha" chickens that would lay more eggs and be good survivors. The problem was, that kind of chicken was more hostile to its own kind, so the experiment failed because the birds kept attacking each other.

So many things that have been said in this thread are true for me too. Especially the bewilderment at being left out of group events of people who are apparently each my friends.

but this was teh main one...

I am largely silent in group conversations because of this, by the time I have processed the chat, and have a response, the conversation has moved on.

i feel ya .

often the inhibition is common ground .

ive often found paths of others uninteresting .. doing specific activities .. settling down .. owning things . and also feel the lack of said burden . ive seen many settle down and have kids to then have to repeat the process . im simply past caring for certain dynamics . having said that .. ive been pretty social over the years .. and have returned to a more quiet way of being.

life is what you make it . everybody in all types of walks can look at immediate short comings . we are all designed different . figuring out your lane will strengthen your parogative

The way I put it as a teenager (decades before diagnosis) was "It's like everyone got the instruction manual for living except me."

that's mee too, like i was suddenly shoved forwards into life upon a crowded stage in a crowded house where i was expected to perfectly perform a complex song without having heard it before and with no practice.

In some ways I feel 10 steps behind, in other ways I feel 10 steps ahead. Of course, the ways in which I'm behind are the ones that are considered more useful in conventional life.

No you're not a freak at all. There are plenty of times honestly I just would love to find a isolated cabin in the woods or something and hide from everyone and only have animals.

There is so much in all of OP's post and the many replies so far that I completely resonate with. I just don't have anything to add, because it's already been said.

I too have often been the one left behind/outside while others created a social group, and I've never really understood why. Except that something about me isn't what they attach to.

My whole growing up was being told how "weird" and "strange" I was by my mother and other family. I've healed a lot of that over the decades, but I'm realizing lately that I must still be "weird" and "strange" to most people around me. Not to the extent that they move away from me in fright. But yes to the extent that they don't invite me into their spaces or to their events.

The only exception in my own life has been people who are alcoholics or drug addicts (whether "working" alcoholics/etc or not). When I was a young adult they formed the very first "friends" I ever had, and I walked in their circles for a number of years before I figured out it was boring and not me.

But why those folks? Is that what it takes to "like" me enough to invite me to participate? Someone has to be an alcoholic/etc.? I find that more than very confusing. And I have no answers for any of it.

I'm now 78 and "un-binable" so far. I have sure got lots of feelings, behaviors, quirks, etc., of this post (and this forum too). But it's smoky, vague, often squishy and quite uncomfortable most of the time.

Except when I do focused, intense "special to me" things. These things have common features of clear logic, structures, quite complex and complicated (my mind says these are two different "qualities") and "compelling to . . ." me and something else that "sez" keep at it . . .

This windy beginning is to describe an "other state of nature" (I think) that's maybe relevant here. I go to that "state,"or get sucked into it or, or . . . just find myself "in it."

The concept of "being steps behand", etc., is very familiar to me and all that's been discussed here. But it, and bunches of "feelings, etc." like it, never ever happens in my "other state of nature"(OSN?).

Morover, I don't think anyone or anything has ever been with me, close by to me, relatable to me, etc., (@??), for me to even understand such a thing as "being steps behind." My best of "being" is @OSN!! ! Sorry, that just seems to be "it" for me, and I like it there lots!!. Thanks for all posts on such.