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Brainiac42
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18 Jun 2021, 8:15 am

My gf makes less money than me and is starting to have me pay for everything extra.. she pays for her half of the bills.. I just pay for extra things. Is this normal? I make about 10-12 grand more a year than her.

We’ve been together 6 years so typically we’d have a shared account and I’d be paying for more, but I haven’t wanted to combine yet.. and we aren’t married/engaged yet. (Because of me). It just sometimes bothers me to constantly be buying things for her when I work hard for my money.



kraftiekortie
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18 Jun 2021, 8:48 am

Do you make $1,000 more a month than her in net pay?

I would think of “buying things for her” as being a gift for her. I wouldn’t want it to be obligatory.

Does she say you must buy her things because you make more? That would be ridiculous.

It would be nice if she bought things for you as well. Less income is not no income.

I would keep your financial affairs separate from hers. I keep mine away from my wife, and she from mine. She has about $400K in savings, and I have very little, so this benefits her much more than me. Still, it’s the best way.



Brainiac42
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18 Jun 2021, 9:03 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Do you make $1,000 more a month than her in net pay?

I would think of “buying things for her” as being a gift for her. I wouldn’t want it to be obligatory.

Does she say you must buy her things because you make more? That would be ridiculous.

It would be nice if she bought things for you as well. Less income is not no income.

I would keep your financial affairs separate from hers. I keep mine away from my wife, and she from mine. She has about $400K in savings, and I have very little, so this benefits her much more than me. Still, it’s the best way.


I make around 600 dollars more than her a paycheck and she often works more hours than me. Today she said that it’s only fair that I pay for more because I make more money. She also spends money on marijuana which I don’t smoke, so I don’t know how much that usually costs a paycheck but it is an extra expense taking away from her money.



IsabellaLinton
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18 Jun 2021, 9:05 am

Oh dear. I'm not a fan of combined accounts even in marriage. That's extremely complicated and risky.

Do you have a cohabitation agreement or other legal agreement about how to share expenses? Normally in a legal agreement people pay bills in accordance with what percentage of income they make. For example if you make 30% more than she does, you would pay 30% more toward each bill. That doesn't mean she pays 0. But then you also have to consider who is paying more income tax and the value of your other assets, etc.

If you aren't ready to commit to this relationship I'd be very careful financially. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into expenditures. You have no legal obligation to support her and unless you've made an informal promise to pay for the extras, I'd be quite cautious.

Source: I won't be screwed again.



IsabellaLinton
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18 Jun 2021, 9:10 am

Brainiac42 wrote:
Today she said that it’s only fair that I pay for more because I make more money. She also spends money on marijuana which I don’t smoke, so I don’t know how much that usually costs a paycheck but it is an extra expense taking away from her money.


It's "only fair" that she treat you with respect. ^
Pot is very expensive, by the way.



kraftiekortie
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18 Jun 2021, 9:15 am

Sounds like she might indulge in the weed a little too much, maybe causing a feeling of entitlement.

Marijuana is expensive. She can use the money she spends on weed for better things.

When somebody says one is obligated to pay for more because one makes more income, I run for the hills. We live in a democracy, not in communism.

I just don’t believe in that ethos. I might pay more because I feel it’s right….but I’m not obligated to pay more.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 18 Jun 2021, 9:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

IsabellaLinton
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18 Jun 2021, 9:22 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

When somebody says one is obligated to pay for more because one makes more income, I run for the hills. We live in a democracy, not in communism.



This is Golden. ^

If you set a precedent of paying more, she can sue you for support in the event that you split up. She can claim you are married by commonlaw marriage even though you didn't get engaged. I shouldn't be butting my head in here and I apologise if I am, but I think cohabitation is extremely risky to the higher-income person. In many ways it's more dangerous financially than being married, because the law isn't clearly defined.



Brainiac42
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18 Jun 2021, 10:20 am

Thank you both for the insight. You have both been very helpful to me on this forum. I wanted some different views on finances, because I’ve seen my dad pay for everything for my mom and him, due to him making more money, my entire life; I wonder if this is normal. The only people I get advice from besides here are my parents, so I was getting one sided advice. It’s a tricky subject because I want to help her, but I also feel like the more I do the less likely she is to want to make more money.



Brainiac42
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18 Jun 2021, 10:22 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:

When somebody says one is obligated to pay for more because one makes more income, I run for the hills. We live in a democracy, not in communism.



This is Golden. ^

If you set a precedent of paying more, she can sue you for support in the event that you split up. She can claim you are married by commonlaw marriage even though you didn't get engaged. I shouldn't be butting my head in here and I apologise if I am, but I think cohabitation is extremely risky to the higher-income person. In many ways it's more dangerous financially than being married, because the law isn't clearly defined.


You’re not butting in at all, I was looking for this kind of advice. I did not know about any of this..



IsabellaLinton
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18 Jun 2021, 10:44 am

Check the laws where you live about commonlaw. Sometimes you only need to live together for one year before one partner can claim you are married. I don't think it's any different for same-sex, assuming that you present yourselves socially as a couple and have a history of claiming that you are in a romantic relationship as opposed to being roommates.

Commonlaw can be very expensive to dissolve because the law is less cut and dry. It ends up being expensive to get lawyers to argue over each specific case. Even with a cohabitation agreement, one party can sue the other for spousal support if there is a history of that person paying any of their bills.

I'm not trying to suggest that you are going to break up with this person, and I'm sorry if I sound doom and gloom, but I wouldn't want you in a situation with any potential risk. I hope you can agree to keep your finances separate so that the only thing connecting you is love, and a desire to be together.



kraftiekortie
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18 Jun 2021, 12:24 pm

It’s better to keep finances separate….yes.

If you don’t live in a community property state in the US—even better.



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18 Jun 2021, 2:32 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:

When somebody says one is obligated to pay for more because one makes more income, I run for the hills. We live in a democracy, not in communism.



This is Golden. ^

If you set a precedent of paying more, she can sue you for support in the event that you split up. She can claim you are married by commonlaw marriage even though you didn't get engaged. I shouldn't be butting my head in here and I apologise if I am, but I think cohabitation is extremely risky to the higher-income person. In many ways it's more dangerous financially than being married, because the law isn't clearly defined.


To me, the use of drugs (legal or otherwise) is an automatic red flag. She can spend money on them that she earns, but the OP should not have to make up the difference for her financial budget. The same could be said if the shoe was on the other foot. If she cannot afford the drugs that she is using, that is an even bigger red flag. She might be well on her way to addiction.

Relationships are give and take, but there become limits that will often break them. Difference in money is one of the major reasons that things sour over time. As others have already said, it is a good idea to keep the money separate in those cases. I saw this firsthand when my sister divorced her first husband. He got deep into drugs and wanted her to support his meth habit. He is now a lost soul to the drugs, an empty shell of what he could have been. She was smart enough to keep their money separate or he would have spent it all before the divorce was finalized. Unfortunately, my oldest nephew also took after his father and is now in the same boat.



DW_a_mom
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18 Jun 2021, 3:14 pm

When the question is, "is it normal?" I would say yes, it is, but the others have raised valid points which get to "is it appropriate for your unique situation?"

Feelings about money, who earns it, how it gets spent, etc are huge in a relationship. If you plan to be with someone forever, you want to share and you trust that you can co-mingle without feeling taken advantage of. I find it very unusual when I hear of marriages where they keep their money separate and one has significantly more to spend than the other; that isn't a partnership. In a partnership choices and decisions are made together, and the one who earns less may want the one who earns more to spend more on themselves, or the one who earns more may enjoy spending it more on their partner than on themselves. But the pattern is established together. My husband and I, for example, haven't had to talk about the split of our money for decades, we both just adapt naturally to changes in income and status, stay respectful of each other's priorities, can spend freely on the little things without worrying about how the other feels, and always discuss the big things.

But you aren't in that space. You aren't feeling the trust and you aren't feeling a desire for generosity (as v your partner demanding it). In many ways, you are at a testing point for your relationship. Which pretty ends what I can effectively say on the topic.


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Last edited by DW_a_mom on 18 Jun 2021, 6:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

IsabellaLinton
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18 Jun 2021, 4:14 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
I find it very weird when I hear of marriages where they keep their money separate and one has significantly more to spend than the other; that isn't a partnership.


I was married and had a joint account with my husband including owing the home together and having a line of credit available, which was secured against the house. I paid the entire downpayment on our house and had the higher income, but we were both working full-time. We broke up when our daughter was born because he came out gay. He went to the bank and withdrew the maximum of our line of credit on our home, in cash. Apparently he didn't need my signature because it was a joint account. He transferred that money to a new account in his own name, and then also borrowed cash advances on all of our joint credit cards -- at exorbitant rates. Then he was allowed to cancel his name off of the line of credit / credit cards so that all of the debt was in my name, without me even being notified. He used that money for his legal counsel and to buy a new home with his husband. I was responsible for repaying all of that money to the banks, with interest, because the credit line was secured on the house. So, I bought him a house and paid all his legal bills as well as my own for the divorce, plus compounded interest, as a single mother under 30 years old.

This is acceptable in banking. I will never, under any circumstance, have a joint account again.

This is only the tip of the iceberg because I could tell stories of cohabitation theft as well.



DW_a_mom
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18 Jun 2021, 6:07 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
I find it very weird when I hear of marriages where they keep their money separate and one has significantly more to spend than the other; that isn't a partnership.


I was married and had a joint account with my husband including owing the home together and having a line of credit available, which was secured against the house. I paid the entire downpayment on our house and had the higher income, but we were both working full-time. We broke up when our daughter was born because he came out gay. He went to the bank and withdrew the maximum of our line of credit on our home, in cash. Apparently he didn't need my signature because it was a joint account. He transferred that money to a new account in his own name, and then also borrowed cash advances on all of our joint credit cards -- at exorbitant rates. Then he was allowed to cancel his name off of the line of credit / credit cards so that all of the debt was in my name, without me even being notified. He used that money for his legal counsel and to buy a new home with his husband. I was responsible for repaying all of that money to the banks, with interest, because the credit line was secured on the house. So, I bought him a house and paid all his legal bills as well as my own for the divorce, plus compounded interest, as a single mother under 30 years old.

This is acceptable in banking. I will never, under any circumstance, have a joint account again.

This is only the tip of the iceberg because I could tell stories of cohabitation theft as well.


I should have worded that differently. Not weird, but uncommon, and it tends to leave me curious what their unique story is.

I am extremely sorry to read about happened to you. I do know it happens; I am not unaware. You think you have a partnership, but your partner does not, and is willing to take advantage. Protecting yourself is smart, but it can also get in the way of a shared sense of building something together. I can’t tell any one person which direction is right for them.


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18 Jun 2021, 6:32 pm

Thanks DW. I don't mean to imply that there aren't trustworthy partners or that this will happen to everyone. Of course there are lots of solid partnerships and perhaps Brainiac and her girlfriend will be just fine once they iron out these details.

I get a little protective of young people when I sense that they might fall into the same trap, though. Brainiac is the same age as my daughter and that brings out the mama bear in me. Most young people don't realise what they might be stepping into with cohabitation or joint finance, not just in the event of separation but even with income tax or unintended common law jurisdiction.

Just to finish my story (lol sorry - I'm venting now), I forgot to add that I still needed to buy him out for half of the house even though I bought it, because it was the matrimonial home and it needed to be equalised. Even if I sold it, I'd need to pay him half and pay off all that credit line debt with the proceeds. Then of course he ruined my credit because of the overdrafts, and I couldn't get loans for my own lawyers or for raising our daughter / daycare, etc. It was really dark time in my life but hey, what can you do? That's not even why I have CPTSD, it's just a cautionary tale.

Rant over.

Back to the OP, please talk to your GF and get your relationship status figured out before making any more financial commitments to her.