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DW_a_mom
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18 Jun 2021, 11:11 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Thanks DW. I don't mean to imply that there aren't trustworthy partners or that this will happen to everyone. Of course there are lots of solid partnerships and perhaps Brainiac and her girlfriend will be just fine once they iron out these details.

I get a little protective of young people when I sense that they might fall into the same trap, though. Brainiac is the same age as my daughter and that brings out the mama bear in me. Most young people don't realise what they might be stepping into with cohabitation or joint finance, not just in the event of separation but even with income tax or unintended common law jurisdiction.

Just to finish my story (lol sorry - I'm venting now), I forgot to add that I still needed to buy him out for half of the house even though I bought it, because it was the matrimonial home and it needed to be equalised. Even if I sold it, I'd need to pay him half and pay off all that credit line debt with the proceeds. Then of course he ruined my credit because of the overdrafts, and I couldn't get loans for my own lawyers or for raising our daughter / daycare, etc. It was really dark time in my life but hey, what can you do? That's not even why I have CPTSD, it's just a cautionary tale.

Rant over.

Back to the OP, please talk to your GF and get your relationship status figured out before making any more financial commitments to her.


Venting is good.

It is important for young people to understand the risks, and not let the rosy flow of young love keep them from protecting themselves.

To be honest, I tip toed into the whole “share everything” part of our finances quite slowly. I didn’t change the title on my house immediately; I had some money that stayed separate for a while. It was all stuff I could do under the radar, so I wouldn’t undermine the partnership we were building. We do both still have accounts that are in our separate names, just there isn’t much in them. Trust isn’t something that happens overnight, and you want to be careful your trust isn’t misplaced. People who take advantage of the love and trust of others really are the scum of the earth. Your ex was a thief in more ways than one. In any other situation than a romantic one it would have been criminal fraud.


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09 Jul 2021, 1:37 pm

Brainiac42 wrote:
Thank you both for the insight. You have both been very helpful to me on this forum. I wanted some different views on finances, because I’ve seen my dad pay for everything for my mom and him, due to him making more money, my entire life; I wonder if this is normal. The only people I get advice from besides here are my parents, so I was getting one sided advice. It’s a tricky subject because I want to help her, but I also feel like the more I do the less likely she is to want to make more money.


If she already works more hours than you and still makes less, what makes you think she is able to just make more money? Not saying she couldn't but, if she already spends more time working than you then she certainly isn't making less out of laziness. And of course wanting to make more money and having the means to just up and do that are quite different. I guess it kind of comes down to if she doesn't start making more money, and you have to help her some long-term is that a deal breaker for you and if so does she know that?

My opinion is, it's is not wrong to help her out some if you are making more money, but for there should be boundaries. And I cannot really say what those should be for you in your relationship, but it should not be such that you feel taken advantage of.

For sure in my relationship I'll probably never be making as much as my boyfriend considering I am on disability and can only manage part time work. So he does sorta have to help me out a bit with money, but I don't take advantage of it like just expecting him to buy me stuff all the time but yeah he's not going to have me living in worse poverty than him in the same house. We are together and so we share a household, and that includes resources...I guess we're communists in this house(apartment) :lol: . But we communicated about all this before moving in together and maintain communication about it, which that is the important thing.


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