How important is the other person's job?

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Fnord
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23 Jun 2021, 4:44 pm

Having both partners employed is a definite plus.  Employment in a similar field is good too, and employment at similar pay grades is also good.

Other important issues are intelligence and education.  For instance, my wife and I have Masters' Degrees: hers is HASS and mine is STEM.  She is smarter in some areas than I, and vice-versa.  We get along very well most of the time; and when we do not, we can at least reason things out.


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cyberdad
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23 Jun 2021, 4:47 pm

Fnord wrote:
Having both partners employed is a definite plus.  Employment in a similar field is good too, and employment at similar pay grades is also good.

Other important issues are intelligence and education.  For instance, my wife and I have Masters' Degrees: hers is HASS and mine is STEM.  She is smarter in some areas than I, and vice-versa.  We get along very well most of the time; and when we do not, we can at least reason things out.


Common interests and an emotional bond are more important than paper qualifications.



Fnord
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23 Jun 2021, 4:53 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Having both partners employed is a definite plus.  Employment in a similar field is good too, and employment at similar pay grades is also good.  Other important issues are intelligence and education.  For instance, my wife and I have Masters' Degrees: hers is HASS and mine is STEM.  She is smarter in some areas than I, and vice-versa.  We get along very well most of the time; and when we do not, we can at least reason things out.
Common interests and an emotional bond are more important than paper qualifications.
With a disparity in "paper quals", all the common interests and emotional bonding will be under constant stress, and will eventually snap.

Unless, of course, one partner enjoys playing the role of "dummy" to the other partner's "genius" role.


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Last edited by Fnord on 23 Jun 2021, 4:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

IsabellaLinton
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23 Jun 2021, 4:53 pm

I don't care what their job is so long as he's smart and has a good sense of humour.

My guy's retired and I'm on LTD so it works out great when there aren't worldwide pandemics.



cyberdad
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23 Jun 2021, 4:56 pm

Fnord wrote:
=With a disparity in "paper quals", all the common interests and emotional bonding will be under constant stress, and will eventually snap.

Unless, of course, one partner enjoys playing the role of "dummy" to the other partner's "genius" role.[/color]


I think it also depends on the value system of the couple. There are men who has PhDs or an MBA or an MBBS who go to work and are happy to come home to a wife who left school to get married and look after the kids.

I'm pretty sure that formula is still successful.



cyberdad
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23 Jun 2021, 4:57 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I don't care what their job is so long as he's smart and has a good sense of humour.


Gosh! I hear that so often that a good sense of humour is so important....so much pressure :lol:



IsabellaLinton
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23 Jun 2021, 5:16 pm

cyberdad wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
I don't care what their job is so long as he's smart and has a good sense of humour.


Gosh! I hear that so often that a good sense of humour is so important....so much pressure :lol:


"Must have sardonic wit. And love dogs."



Fnord
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23 Jun 2021, 6:10 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Fnord wrote:
With a disparity in "paper quals", all the common interests and emotional bonding will be under constant stress, and will eventually snap.  Unless, of course, one partner enjoys playing the role of "dummy" to the other partner's "genius" role.
I think it also depends on the value system of the couple. There are men who has PhDs or an MBA or an MBBS who go to work and are happy to come home to a wife who left school to get married and look after the kids...
I think it would also be a safe bet that they vote Republican, own military-grade firearms, and believe that having sex with their wives against their will is not rape.


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IsabellaLinton
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23 Jun 2021, 6:15 pm

cyberdad wrote:
Fnord wrote:
=With a disparity in "paper quals", all the common interests and emotional bonding will be under constant stress, and will eventually snap.

Unless, of course, one partner enjoys playing the role of "dummy" to the other partner's "genius" role.[/color]


I think it also depends on the value system of the couple. There are men who has PhDs or an MBA or an MBBS who go to work and are happy to come home to a wife who left school to get married and look after the kids.

I'm pretty sure that formula is still successful.


I'm in favour of one parent staying home to raise the kids. I don't know why women are offended by the thought of stay-home-mothering. Of course I'm also fine if the father stays home. And same sex couples. Whatever works.

Single parenting and working full time was hell.



cyberdad
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23 Jun 2021, 6:21 pm

Fnord wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Fnord wrote:
With a disparity in "paper quals", all the common interests and emotional bonding will be under constant stress, and will eventually snap.  Unless, of course, one partner enjoys playing the role of "dummy" to the other partner's "genius" role.
I think it also depends on the value system of the couple. There are men who has PhDs or an MBA or an MBBS who go to work and are happy to come home to a wife who left school to get married and look after the kids...
I think it would also be a safe bet that they vote Republican, own military-grade firearms, and believe that having sex with their wives against their will is not rape.


Yeah I guess traditional christian family values overlaps with conservativism like a venn diagram. I don't judge the lifestyle choices.

From a biological perspective there's some interesting data
https://www.cnbc.com/2011/03/03/smart-m ... arent.html



IsabellaLinton
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23 Jun 2021, 6:28 pm

Fnord wrote:
I think it would also be a safe bet that they vote Republican, own military-grade firearms, and believe that having sex with their wives against their will is not rape.


Wait, what?

Did I read this wrong?

Are you saying that people who believe in parenting their own children are Republicans with firearms, who rape their wives?

What about people who believe their children's formative years are important? People who make sacrifices for their children? People who don't want to pay out at least 2/3 of one parent's income so they can put one child in daycare? (It's often more than an entire income to put 2+ children in care, not to mention entering a higher tax bracket).

Please clarify if I read this wrong.



cyberdad
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23 Jun 2021, 6:31 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Fnord wrote:
=With a disparity in "paper quals", all the common interests and emotional bonding will be under constant stress, and will eventually snap.

Unless, of course, one partner enjoys playing the role of "dummy" to the other partner's "genius" role.[/color]


I think it also depends on the value system of the couple. There are men who has PhDs or an MBA or an MBBS who go to work and are happy to come home to a wife who left school to get married and look after the kids.

I'm pretty sure that formula is still successful.


I'm in favour of one parent staying home to raise the kids. I don't know why women are offended by the thought of stay-home-mothering. Of course I'm also fine if the father stays home. And same sex couples. Whatever works.

Single parenting and working full time was hell.


A disproportionate number of regular WP posters (I'll include you in this group) are college educated whereas the majority of the American population (70% of all women) have never completed a college degree. When you have invest time/money in higher studies it makes sense that you would want to focus on building a career. But this may not be a priority for school leavers or vocationally trained women.

I agree that finding yourself as a sole parent changes that dynamic and the staying at home becomes a luxury/trade-off in terms of paying bills and keeping your child/ren fed/houses/clothed/educated/entertained.



cyberdad
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23 Jun 2021, 6:33 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Fnord wrote:
I think it would also be a safe bet that they vote Republican, own military-grade firearms, and believe that having sex with their wives against their will is not rape.


Wait, what?

Did I read this wrong?

Are you saying that people who believe in parenting their own children are Republicans with firearms, who rape their wives?

What about people who believe their children's formative years are important? People who make sacrifices for their children? People who don't want to pay out at least 2/3 of one parent's income so they can put one child in daycare? (It's often more than an entire income to put 2+ children in care, not to mention entering a higher tax bracket).

Please clarify if I read this wrong.


Given Fnord is our resident scientific skeptic, I think he means that there is some overlap (hence my use of the venn diagram) as opposed to a 1 to 1 correlation.



IsabellaLinton
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23 Jun 2021, 6:43 pm

cyberdad wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
Fnord wrote:
=With a disparity in "paper quals", all the common interests and emotional bonding will be under constant stress, and will eventually snap.

Unless, of course, one partner enjoys playing the role of "dummy" to the other partner's "genius" role.[/color]


I think it also depends on the value system of the couple. There are men who has PhDs or an MBA or an MBBS who go to work and are happy to come home to a wife who left school to get married and look after the kids.

I'm pretty sure that formula is still successful.


I'm in favour of one parent staying home to raise the kids. I don't know why women are offended by the thought of stay-home-mothering. Of course I'm also fine if the father stays home. And same sex couples. Whatever works.

Single parenting and working full time was hell.


A disproportionate number of regular WP posters (I'll include you in this group) are college educated whereas the majority of the American population (70% of all women) have never completed a college degree. When you have invest time/money in higher studies it makes sense that you would want to focus on building a career. But this may not be a priority for school leavers or vocationally trained women.

I agree that finding yourself as a sole parent changes that dynamic and the staying at home becomes a luxury/trade-off in terms of paying bills and keeping your child/ren fed/houses/clothed/educated/entertained.


Thanks. Sorry for the freak-out, but yeah ...

My husband and I agreed I would stay home to raise our daughter but he walked out during my maternity leave. I had to wean her at six months of age so he could see her the few times that he did, and I had to go back to work full-time for the next 20 years working 10 hour days. It wasn't just to keep her fed etc., but because he would have sued for custody if I didn't have a stable income and professional career. I would have given anything to stay home as a responsible caretaker. I'd have no problem cooking and cleaning for a partner in balance with them earning the income (or vice versa if I worked and he / she stayed home). It's equal value for the family. I think of the kids who are developmentally delayed or ADHD, or even those who suffer anxiety and depression, going to daycare and not being nurtured the way they should be by their own parent. I know it's a luxury. Even I didn't have that luxury. But it freaks me out when people (men or women) think it's somehow degrading to run a household and care for children, especially in America where people ship six week old babies to strangers so they can earn minimum wage. It's not their fault. People do what they have to do, but they also deserve respect for staying home if they can.

In my case I paid 2/3 of my salary to a live-out nanny. It wasn't even economically sound for me to work, but I had no choice. When I started paying daycare for my nephew (adopted son) as well, I was losing money to work even with the tax credits. I would have rather been home with them but I had no choice, and I guess that's the point of this rant.



cyberdad
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23 Jun 2021, 6:53 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
But it freaks me out when people (men or women) think it's somehow degrading to run a household and care for children, especially in America where people ship six week old babies to strangers so they can earn minimum wage. It's not their fault. People do what they have to do, but they also deserve respect for staying home if they can.


Yes this is a universal phenomenon. Here in Australia the federal government has tried to introduce subsidies for childcare to get women into the workforce. And you are right, there is a social stigma toward women who choose to stay at home to look after their kids.

Despite this stigma, when I used to go to school parent meetings I was often the only male in a group of 20-30 mothers.



IsabellaLinton
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23 Jun 2021, 7:56 pm

cyberdad wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
But it freaks me out when people (men or women) think it's somehow degrading to run a household and care for children, especially in America where people ship six week old babies to strangers so they can earn minimum wage. It's not their fault. People do what they have to do, but they also deserve respect for staying home if they can.


Yes this is a universal phenomenon. Here in Australia the federal government has tried to introduce subsidies for childcare to get women into the workforce. And you are right, there is a social stigma toward women who choose to stay at home to look after their kids.

Despite this stigma, when I used to go to school parent meetings I was often the only male in a group of 20-30 mothers.


Subsidies are great, but they're usually paid to daycare centres. I didn't want my child in a daycare centre. I wanted (needed) her at home in our own house, with her own belongings, and personal care from a trained / licensed and fully vetted nanny. That might sound extravagant but my daughter was premature, and (undiagnosed) autistic - meaning she had complex emotional and sensory needs, plus she had a chronic physical illness which required skilled care not available in a group setting. On top of that she's allergic to antibiotics and she can't have flu vaccines. There was just no way she could go to daycare, and I'm sure there are many infants and children with similar needs who rely on personalised care at home. It would have been untenable for her to grow up jostled between a daycare centre @ 10 hours a day, and shuffled between her father's house and my house on a regimented schedule. Kids need a home base and a sense of stability especially in the case of divorce and / or special needs.

Sorry if I'm changing the topic or derailing.

Back to the original question I don't care if my partner is blue-collar, white-collar, an artist or on disability. All that matters is if we get along, and if they give more than half-a-crap about their children's best interest.

I'm glad you were involved in your daughter's life and her education. I didn't miss a meeting either. There were some very involved dads at her schools. I think children are blessed when they have two parents supporting them.