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Summer_Twilight
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21 Jun 2021, 12:35 pm

Hi:

This upcoming Saturday, a good friend of mine is going to have a birthday lunch out with several people. He expressed to me that he set several boundaries from the beginning

1. No drama or guests will be kicked out
2. People have to RSVP before a certain date

One, who he did not invite, had invited himself which my friend seemed to be ok with. Though I have never met this person, and he wants to meet me, he sounds like a major jerk because.

1.He makes it sound like he wants to be friends and but finding everything on other people before gossiping about them
2. He stabs everyone in the back
3. Just about every time I hear about him, he always has something negative to say about out friends and makes everyone out to be a person while nothing is wrong with him.

Yesterday, I told my friend that he is not a good friend and to set boundaries with him by mentioning that the event was by invite only and that he was not comfortable.

Did I do the right thing?



angelofdarkness
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21 Jun 2021, 3:09 pm

I think you did as it's rude for someone to invite themselves to something and who needs that kinda drama at their birthday party


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Mountain Goat
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21 Jun 2021, 3:23 pm

I think that to set strict boundaries for an event, hardly anyone will turn up.

I remember a wedding of a couple I once knew. (Not been in touch for a good few years). They said that everyone has to wear either an orange or a purple suit and top hat (For the men) to come to the wedding. They sent out a great many invites. Only the immediate family turned up! They said they were dissapointed that hardly anyone turned up.

When one sets conditions, people think twice.

Just say "Have a good birthday" and leave it like that.



Fnord
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21 Jun 2021, 3:50 pm

There is nothing wrong with inviting only certain people to a party.  There is also nothing wrong with turning down an invitation.

Personally, my way of turning down an invitation involves politely citing "emergency" situations at work or with clients, without mentioning any personality conflicts with the other guests (invited or otherwise).

I think you did right by yourself, and that you have done nothing to regret.


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Summer_Twilight
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22 Jun 2021, 11:58 am

My friend told me that when he let this "Friend" down he had tried to manipulate him with

"I thought you were my friend," and that he could still show up at the restaurant and sit at another table. My friend also told me that he also attempted to lie to him about another friend. After, he texted me and explained that he hung up on him. I reminded him to block this person.



nick007
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08 Jul 2021, 5:05 am

Is your "friend" on the spectrum Summer? He sounds kinda like one of my girlfriend's relatives who's been diagnosed with Aspergers since he was very little. He's very controlling & needs everything his way because anything unexpected will throw him for a MAJOR loop. He majorly hates being alone but he is unable to accommodate anybody in his space. The only people who can stand to spend time with him are a couple family members including my girlfriend. He's very manipulative to get his way & when his support family member gets upset with him & leaves him be for a while, he will b!tch about them to my girlfriend. He seems like a covert narcissist but he has had lots of Aspie issues growing up like various sensory issues, need for routine & predictability, problems understanding nonverbal body language & tone of voice to name a few things. Growing up with him is probably a big reason why Cass can handle living with me so well. I'm very far from perfect but I am a lot easier to live with than him because I really try to be accommodating of her. Most anyone else would find me too difficult though. If your "friend" is anything like that, I think trying to set some boundaries is a very good idea. Setting boundaries is something Cass majorly struggles with. She's used to being guilt tripped & manipulated into putting her needs last.


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Last edited by nick007 on 08 Jul 2021, 5:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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08 Jul 2021, 5:09 am

All this is why I don’t bother with parties….



Summer_Twilight
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08 Jul 2021, 3:54 pm

nick007 wrote:
Is your "friend" on the spectrum Summer? He sounds kinda like one of my girlfriend's relatives who's been diagnosed with Aspergers since he was very little. He's very controlling & needs everything his way because anything unexpected will throw him for a MAJOR loop. He majorly hates being alone but he is unable to accommodate anybody in his space. The only people who can stand to spend time with him are a couple family members including my girlfriend. He's very manipulative to get his way & when his support family member gets upset with him & leaves him be for a while, he will b!tch about them to my girlfriend. He seems like a covert narcissist but he has had lots of Aspie issues growing up like various sensory issues, need for routine & predictability, problems understanding nonverbal body language & tone of voice to name a few things. Growing up with him is probably a big reason why Cass can handle living with me so well. I'm very far from perfect but I am a lot easier to live with than him because I really try to be accommodating of her. Most anyone else would find me too difficult though. If your "friend" is anything like that, I think trying to set some boundaries is a very good idea. Setting boundaries is something Cass majorly struggles with. She's used to being guilt tripped & manipulated into putting her needs last.


I don't know if he has on the spectrum, rather he has a medical condition along with having a serious issue with drama. He lies all the time and from text messages that I have seen, he writes up these annoying sob stories.



nick007
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15 Jul 2021, 10:18 pm

I just realized this should be the theme song for your "friendship". I think one of our mods or former mod would be proud of this :mrgreen:



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https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition