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Technic1
Deinonychus
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22 Jun 2021, 12:41 am

• Effective communication
• Conflict resolution
• Active listening
• Empathy
• Relationship management
• Respect

negotiations;
- compromise;
- understanding even if disagreeing;
- clarifications (particularily useful among autistic people :mrgreen: );
- active listening (encouraging the other person to explain);
- letting off steam, apologizing and getting back together (useful only in well-tested friendships);
- and many others.

Oh, where to start?



auntblabby
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22 Jun 2021, 1:01 am

finding a decent and compassionate NT to bounce these things off of. aside from that, you might try working on one at a time. just pick one. rome wasn't built in a day, as they say.



cornerpiece
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22 Jun 2021, 1:16 am

Start with people you know best and are most comfortable with. When talking to them, try to focus attention on that person. Think about that person, their situation, why are they saying what they are saying. Avoid thinking about yourself or steering conversation towards what is interesting to you.

Then, once you get into the habit of shifting attention to your conversation partner, try using your head less, and your other body parts more (heart, guts), to understand them. In other words, try to feel them rather than just think about them logically. For that, you might have to observe their expression, body position, and recognize how that makes you feel.

As you learn to understand and feel the conversation partner better, use that to find the most appropriate answer. Dont try to approach it too logically - if you engage your instinct well enough, it will suggest you the most appropriate answers.

I think this is plenty for a start. This strategy has helped me a lot. It is the foundation of all social skills. It can take years to practice it though.

Sadly no one told me this. I discovered this myself, when I was high on ****, I noticed that I suddenly instinctively knew when a person didn't want to be talked to, just by looking at them, even if they were facing away from me. There was something in their body position. I realized that my brain works differently under influence, becomes "more NT". I continued practicing to engage feel and instinct in sober condition. And now I can switch that "NT mode" on whenever I want. I know that it works because I can get other NTs to hug me and thank for a good conversation, when I put enough effort into it.



Technic1
Deinonychus
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Posts: 318
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22 Jun 2021, 1:28 am

cornerpiece wrote:
Start with people you know best and are most comfortable with. When talking to them, try to focus attention on that person. Think about that person, their situation, why are they saying what they are saying. Avoid thinking about yourself or steering conversation towards what is interesting to you.

Then, once you get into the habit of shifting attention to your conversation partner, try using your head less, and your other body parts more (heart, guts), to understand them. In other words, try to feel them rather than just think about them logically. For that, you might have to observe their expression, body position, and recognize how that makes you feel.

As you learn to understand and feel the conversation partner better, use that to find the most appropriate answer. Dont try to approach it too logically - if you engage your instinct well enough, it will suggest you the most appropriate answers.

I think this is plenty for a start. This strategy has helped me a lot. It is the foundation of all social skills. It can take years to practice it though.

Sadly no one told me this. I discovered this myself, when I was high on ****, I noticed that I suddenly instinctively knew when a person didn't want to be talked to, just by looking at them, even if they were facing away from me. There was something in their body position. I realized that my brain works differently under influence, becomes "more NT". I continued practicing to engage feel and instinct in sober condition. And now I can switch that "NT mode" on whenever I want. I know that it works because I can get other NTs to hug me and thank for a good conversation, when I put enough effort into it.


Please tell me more, like how to engage the heart and gut.

And when is it better than the mind?



auntblabby
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22 Jun 2021, 1:45 am

when one has been hurt or hurt others to one's chagrin enough times, the heart and gut eventually become automatically engaged. "there is none so tender, as one who himself has been skinned." (can't remember who said it)



Something Profound
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22 Jun 2021, 2:59 am

Technic1 wrote:
• Effective communication
• Conflict resolution
• Active listening
• Empathy
• Relationship management
• Respect

negotiations;
- compromise;
- understanding even if disagreeing;
- clarifications (particularily useful among autistic people :mrgreen: );
- active listening (encouraging the other person to explain);
- letting off steam, apologizing and getting back together (useful only in well-tested friendships);
- and many others.

Oh, where to start?


There really isn't a good answer for this, because many of these things do not have simple solutions and are skills that even NT people struggle with. There is no codified process to use or gain them, and if that is your expectation, you will have a harder time of it.

It helps to know that NT people most of the time also do not have theses skills. Effective Communication? HA! Conflict resolution? Nope.

However, the best way to "gain" these is to try. Communication is important, talk with people who you think are good communicators, as them how they do things, try to emulate or synthesize their methods into your own. I spend much of my time pretending, using my older brother (who is too good at many of these things) as the model for how to do these. The end effect is that I come off as very NT (Keeping in mind that I am awaiting diagnosis, so there is some ambiguity on that for me). But I am most often feel like I am putting on an act, a very well crafted one. I can't say that it is easy to do the same for other people, because I was kinda forced to learn and adapt these social graces or be abused for being weird (Was still abused, am still weird, but I adapted my methods anyway).

I do want to note that respect is an odd one. You wanting respect from people you care about comes in different forms, and you may already have it. It is not something that is given or gained by doing X; The only thing that seems consistent in how to gain good respect is to be yourself, and excel at being yourself. People appreciate authenticity and tend to flock to it, which is a lesson I wish I had learned much earlier in life.

Anyway, hope it helps.



auntblabby
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22 Jun 2021, 3:29 am

the OP might consider googling "acting classes." :idea: there were other aspies here on WP who went that route, and they found it useful to them.



cyberdad
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22 Jun 2021, 3:55 am

Technic1 wrote:
• Effective communication
• Conflict resolution
• Active listening
• Empathy
• Relationship management
• Respect

negotiations;
- compromise;
- understanding even if disagreeing;
- clarifications (particularily useful among autistic people :mrgreen: );
- active listening (encouraging the other person to explain);
- letting off steam, apologizing and getting back together (useful only in well-tested friendships);
- and many others.

Oh, where to start?


Start with active listening. Join a group of NTs and listen to them speak, pick up cues/context for their conversation and watch their body language and tone of voice. Study NTs like you are Jane Goodall studying chimps. Take notes if you have to.