Spouse has been going downhill fast

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I tried to cooperate with my dementia-impaired spouse today to gas the car. We have a discount program between the grocery store and gas station, whereby you acquire money off your gas bill by buying groceries. Spouse has been unable to follow screen prompts to redeem this at the gas station, so I stagger to the pump and start the transaction. Today he was unable to follow the right steps to pump the gas once I initiated the transaction. I told him "Now put the nozzle into the gas tank and pump the gas." Instead he picked up the squeegee and headed to the windshield. He kept doing wrong actions and must have closed the door to the gas tank four or more times (I kept opening it from inside the car).

Finally the store attendant came out and did the whole thing for us. I now have the station's phone number so we can just request this from inside the car in future, which they do for people with handicaps (mine is physical). And then when we were all done, my spouse screwed on the gas cap and did not close the gas door, which I only noticed when I was back on the highway.

In short, he was no more able to do the simple things than a child of 4 or 5. That is the level my spouse is now operating on. The other day I signed a graduation card and wrote a check for one of his grandchildren. I asked him if he'd like to read (grandchild)'s card before I sealed the envelope. He did not recognize the child's name and had a visual memory of a boyhood friend who was killed in a train accident.

He leaves lights on and doors open and water running all the time. He was very proud of himself though for buckling his seat belt without being told to, the last two times we drove.

It's just going to get sadder and more pathetic from here on out. He hates seeing himself decline and become unable to take care of me, and I hate it too. He thinks suicide or other death would be the noble thing to do. Fortunately, I have removed all guns and the biggest of the butcher knives from the house, but I suppose I will soon have to lock up the smaller knives and scissors too.

Edited to add: on the up side... I bought a new 50 inch TV on Amazon Prime Day. We'll both enjoy that.

(((((((Mr. & Mrs. Arthur)))))))

I know I would have a hard time dealing with this sort of situation myself. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm glad you love your husband, though. And I know he's glad.

I am so sorry to hear this, Bea.

I'll hold you and him in the Light. I wish you great strength and love to get you through.

I was doing some paperwork earlier today. Then I picked him up from adult day care and we had the episode at the gas station.

Now he's messing around with his CPAP machine. Looking for the manual, he started rummaging through, first, the box of paper we take to the community shredding event; and when I made him leave that alone (so I didn't have to sort through deciding all over again what should be shredded) I caught him looking in my stacks of paperwork, which were laid down in different piles for filing/paying/phone calling. This sort of thing drives me nuts. A lot of mental effort goes into deciding what paperwork needs what resolution, and if he comes and rearranges the papers, I'll have to repeat everything. Plus I'm certain his manual in none of these locations.

....maybe I should buy a second 50 inch tv.

Thank you, Fnord, kraftie, blazingstar.

I'm not sure what to say Bea but your story brought a tear to my eye. Your love for each other is an inspiration. I wish it wasn't so hard for you and that there were more support services available.

Sending you strength and admiration.

You are very dear, Isabella. Thank you.

God knows what level of immense fortitude and strength it takes to patiently and unremittingly care for a husband struggling with dementia, and while I truly empathize with your pain I absolutely have nothing but respect for you to endure all of that for the man you love. In a world of superficiality where superficial men cheat on their wives because their wives arent as beautiful as the supermodel next door, or where gold digger women leave their husband because their husband no longer makes $500,000 a year, your patience and love taking care of your husband makes me happy as I'm about to get married knowing that in this superficial world there are people like you who stay with the man you love even as he struggles with one of the most tragic brain illnesses is a testament to your character, and many men would wish they loved someone as loyal as you are to your husband

Take it from me when I say taking care of a patient with dementia isnt easy. My grandpa had dementia and in Muslim culture where dropping the elderly off at nursing homes is almost forbidden in Islam it was job of the kids and grandkids to raise the elderly in their senile phase. So for 6 years I had to every single weekend go to my grandfather's home and take care of him. My grandfather was violent though with his dementia and he used to hit me and beat me all the time. He couldn't use the bathroom by himself, he forgot names all the times, and he had the IQ of a petulant preschooler with his tantrums and limited theory of mind. Raising him was hard and something I dont think was ever easy, and that's why I empathize with you so much taking care of your husband with his struggles

I really do think you're stronger than you realize. Only those like us who've taken care of such people know the struggles. Yet it's also a humbling experience too because no human can escape one's mortality, and it always feels good to help those when one day given our own inevitability towards senescence and age decline we hope when we reach that stage we can be taken care of with as much compassion as we hope we showed those in need.