Got ghosted again…..

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This time it was less than 48 hours after she said “you can tell me anything. I’m all ears”. Well, it had to have been something I said that made her decide to stop talking to me, so that’s bogus.

Nothing else to see here. Just wanted to air out the frustration.

Don't give up. It is her loss not yours.

I wouldn’t share personal information with most newly met people until I’ve established that they are kind enough and showing me they are trust worthy.
Then I would share some personal info about family but it takes awhile before I open up about my own personal issues.

What exactly did you say?

Funny that beady was like "I wouldn't share personal info" because I did in fact tell the girl I was talking to that I had aspergers. Big reason why I brought that up is that I had asked her if she has much experience with people with disabilities. And then I told her about how both of my siblings have autism(much more severe than me)before I brought up me having aspergers. She responded "I haven't had much experience with people with disabilities". So I decided to change the subject again to asking her what her day was like to get an idea of "what a day in the life of(her name)is like". She never responded to that.

But I could tell her anything, she said.

Do you think she may be busy? How long has it been since she responded, and can you see if she read the message?

If she stopped responding just because you told her that you have Aspergers, then she is either uneducated, shallow, or both. I wouldn’t want to communicate with such a person.

It is most likely that she does not really understand what autism is, because many people who don't know have wierd concepts..

Before I started dating a lady who said she has aspergers and she has a son with autism, I did not know what either of them were. I was concerned because I needed to know how the condition effected her so when we met I asked her what it was and how it effects her... Which actually puzzled me!
I saw her as no different from myself. The more she tried to describe what aspergers was from her perspective, the more I found that I saw it as normal... It did not occur to me that I shared traits. There were two things she said which I found were different... I can remember one. That is that she thinks in her own language and translates it into english. I think more in pictures myself. (Not sure if thinking in pictures is a trait? I do know that though I did not have language delay as a child, I did have and do have much more of a limited vocablurary then most people, and it is noticable, as I am often stuck trying to fit words into sentences because I can hold a thought but not know how to use words for the thought? But also my memory of words in english is limited, so I tend to use "Simple english" so I am told by people who are learning english that I am easy to talk to and they understand me more).

But going back to the lady that I dated, I did find that we had a lot in comon and it was more like a situation where I could not actually fathom out what autism is with her, as I just did not realize I could possibly be on the spectrum. (I do not know if I am as I write this).

As my wife would say, “Now what did we learn?”

I hate hearing stories like these. This quite possibly might have had potential, but you lost her because she doesn’t really understand what’s really going on with you. There’s nothing wrong with us.

I think it’s a bad idea to float the autism label like it’s some sort of identity in the early stages of dating. I don’t find that sort of thing attractive myself, tbh. The most fun I had dating was with a girl who has albinism. Skinny, had hair the color of the blazing sun, and looked cute with those glasses and her nose three inches from the book she was reading. Underneath she was all personality. But our conversations weren’t all “albinism this” and “albinism that.” I’d ask things out of curiosity, but she didn’t really want to talk about it much. She showed me this one trick where she held a flashlight up to her temple and made her eyes look like something out of Terminator. But mainly it was that she was cute and funny. While we were together I did end up helping her out with a lot of things because I wanted to.

On the other hand, I briefly dated an older girl with a history of abuse when she was young. We were never intimate, though we’d been close. One night she just sort of broke down on me, and I’d had enough experience with neurotic girls to know this wasn’t worth pursuing. I didn’t ghost her over it, we continued to be friends until she graduated. But I think she knew it was over and it made her sad. It’s not that being a victim of abuse makes you undateable. It’s just I have neuroses of my own to deal with, and I wasn’t prepared for a girl like that. Our respective relationship situations were, uh, “complicated,” too, so it ended for the best.

So to make a point about autism specifically and what and how much to disclose consider this: Just how much of your identity is really tied into these things: sexual abuse, autism, albinism, or even race? In practical terms, those things aren’t exactly relevant unless you make them relevant. And if they aren’t relevant, why bother disclosing them? Sometimes they are obvious. I’m a musician, so if you date me, you’ll need to understand I’ll likely never be rich, I’ll never turn a gig down, I’m busy every Friday night, and I’m in church every time the doors are open. Long term, things will be difficult. If we get married, you might end up being the primary wage earner, but on the plus side I’ll do a great job raising our kids. I’m not going to tell you all this on our first date because no girl wants to date a bum. But after a month or so if things turn serious, she deserves to know. I expect to talk marriage after three months and meet her parents. That’s when you need to know if there are any dealbreakers. Before that, you’re just two people having fun. After that, it’s something else, and you don’t want to waste each other’s time. That’s when you take her somewhere nice and say, “this is me and these are my intentions. You tell me where we go from here.” If you break up, then you BREAK UP. No being friends after, at least not for a while because most people can’t handle “just friends.” That’s just something nice people say to be polite. It’s possible, just unlikely. But if you ghost her or she ghosts you, understand that’s just how it is. You’re allowed to do that.

I have an ex who does worse than ghosting. She submarines. I’m happily married nearly 16 years now with 4 kids, so it doesn’t affect me. We keep up with each other over social media now, but we both know we’re only going to get along well as long as we live in separate towns. My wife HATES her, too. But before we connected on Facebook, I’d get totally random messages like “hi,” we’d talk for a while, and then she’d vanish for a few years. Wouldn’t return my messages, NOTHING. I learned to send a single message after her last response and then just wait. She’d surface whenever she was ready, and that was it.

So unless the relationship really is that serious, don’t bother with your autism diagnosis. When I was dating, there were only a few things I was even worried about: chronic or incurable disease (not a dealbreaker, I just want to know), STI’s (HIV, herpes, hepatitis, and warts DEFO a dealbreaker), and having 30+ sexual partners (again, not a problem, I just want to know). Other than that, I really don’t want to know. Once your relationship turns serious, a girl is going to know all your quirks and your symptoms. She’ll think those are just personality traits. Or if you have a meltdown, she’s just going to think, ok, that’s just what he’s like when he gets emotional. If a girl really loves YOU, and I’m talking long term, not just after a couple of dates, she’s not going to care. That’s when you disclose, put the ball in her court, and see if it matters. But before you do that, YOU have to decide if it’s even important enough to disclose. If she’s serious enough to accept a marriage proposal, it hasn’t affected the relationship, anyway. I think what most girls are afraid of is that a diagnosed condition becomes an excuse for bad behavior. Unfortunately, there are nightmare situations that made the evening news, plus any amount of personal experience being around autistic kids that makes it unattractive. My philosophy is that if an autistic boy really isn’t a bad kid and not a single girl will go out with him after he disclosed that, then no girl even deserves or is entitled to that information. We sometimes have a similar discussion about virginity: no girl wants to be with a virgin, so how does a boy lose his virginity? Well...when I was younger, the only way girls knew I was a virgin was when I brought it up. Even after my first experience, you know how many times my lack of experience came up in conversation? ONCE, and only later on when I hit on a girl who a) wasn’t that into me and, b) assumed I was less experienced than I really was. I didn’t really have much of a chance with her, anyway. I knew it, too, but I figured I had zero chance if I didn’t even try. I’ve been with girls much more experienced and simply declined to discuss my “issues” or my “catalogue” (or lack thereof). Once you have Catch-22 types of things that you bring into a conversation, you’re likely to kill any chances you might have otherwise.

“You can tell me anything” is just something polite girls say to be nice. They don’t actually mean it. They really just want to talk about themselves. I prefer to SHOW, rather than to tell. In my experience, girls really just want to talk about themselves. If you want dates you can spin into a long term relationship, keep them talking and keep your own disclosure to a minimum. You have permission to talk when she reveals a common interest, something you enjoy, too. But keep her talking and she’s yours forever.

we last talked on Tuesday.

Where I come from even the so-called experts think of autism as a less sever form of mental retardation(I communicate too well verbally & seemed too intelligent to have anything on the autism spectrum ) so I would avoid mentioning autism unless the girl would mention it 1st. I think it would be better in general to explain the way you are without mentioning autism. If you have some other disabilities or comorbids with autism you might have better luck explaining those instead.