Analysis of emotions in a bad relationship

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Blue Jay
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24 Jun 2021, 7:37 pm

This feeling when you realize, that your partner does not understand you, and it surprises you because you always thought that he did. How could you miss that? Did he pretend to understand and just told you what you wanted to hear?
This feeling, when you tell him that he does not understand, and he says that he doesn't care.
This confusion, when one day he cares, the other day he doesn't, then he cares again, and so on. And when you ask which of those statements is the true one, he replies it's "the current one". This surprise, because you didn't know that caring or not caring can be a one-day-long feeling.

And again confusion, when a few days later the relationship is better again, and and then back to good just like it always used to be, and you find that you like being with him once again. This self doubt, because you thought you didn't change your opinion just like that, every couple of weeks. Turns out you do.

This anticipation for the next bad streak.

A distant recollection, that previous relationships weren't like that, there were no fights. So how can it be always your fault? He says it is always your fault, but you have doubts. But you don't dare to voice them anymore, because if you do, he says - "okay fine, it's my fault then, everything is my fault, are you happy now"? Confusion, because it seems like in every argument someone has to be the guilty one, and there seems to be no guilt free way, no matter what you say.

Epiphany, when you read about gaslighting on the internet.

Regret, because it is too late and leaving would be so bad, that gaslighting is a less painful way. The only option is to learn how to deal with this.

Despair, because you are autistic and you don't understand how to play these games, let alone "win" them.

And finally, sadness.



DW_a_mom
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24 Jun 2021, 7:47 pm

An abusive relationship will slowly destroy all you know about yourself and steal who you are. Working with a therapist can help rebuild that. When you rediscover who you are, you may be in a better place to do what you know needs to be done (leave).

Your writing felt like poetry. I just wish for your sake it wasn't coming from so much loss of self.


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nick007
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29 Jun 2021, 7:33 am

Does he have certain things that always upset him or does he alternate between good & bad days? If it's the latter I would wonder if he might have some kinda disorder like depression, bipolar, or Borderline Personality. My girlfriend has bad depression & other stuff she's dealing with including probably being on the border of having Borderline Personality & she has days where she's just in a horrible mood & she can sometimes take things out on me & blame me for things that have nothing to do with me or she would be majorly upset about things that she would not be bothered at all by when she's in a slightly better mood. When her mood gets a little better, she suddenly goes back to being very affectionate & loving with me until something upsets her like negative things going on in her life & family. She's like that with her family as well & she admits that she would be that way with anybody she would live with & be close to. It's really good that she has enough insight to realize her behavior & she has been seeing a psychiatrist for 5 years & tried counseling as well at different points in her life with different counselors. I'm NOT sure if that's what's going on with your guy cornerpiece but if you do think it's something like that I would suggest trying to talk to him when he's in a better mood & maybe you could try something like couple's counseling &/or he could see a counselor on his own & maybe perhaps try meds down the road.


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cornerpiece
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02 Jul 2021, 11:30 pm

Thanks nick007. I do think that he has some serious psychological problems and the one thing that upsets him is life. He does not want to live. Most of the time he hides it but sometimes it comes out. I have suggested him to try a psychologist but he is fiercely opposed to that idea. He just doesn't want any help from anyone.

Like your girlfriend, on better days he realizes that he has a problem but still does not want to do anything about it. I think he is determined to continue to degrade physically and mentally until he dies, it's almost like he is just spending time waiting for it to happen. And it's probably not far away anyway. He is much older than I am.



cornerpiece
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02 Jul 2021, 11:35 pm

Nick. May I ask... How do you cope with it? Considering your girlfriend's problems?

nick007 wrote:
...



cyberdad
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02 Jul 2021, 11:39 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
An abusive relationship will slowly destroy all you know about yourself and steal who you are. .


Not meaning to disagree but how did you interpret the OPs partner to be abusive?



DW_a_mom
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03 Jul 2021, 12:01 am

cyberdad wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
An abusive relationship will slowly destroy all you know about yourself and steal who you are. .


Not meaning to disagree but how did you interpret the OPs partner to be abusive?


Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.

The cycles also sound like part of an emotionally abusive pattern. If it’s always supposedly your fault, someone is playing mind games on you. Because it never is always your fault.


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cyberdad
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03 Jul 2021, 1:12 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
An abusive relationship will slowly destroy all you know about yourself and steal who you are. .


Not meaning to disagree but how did you interpret the OPs partner to be abusive?


Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.

The cycles also sound like part of an emotionally abusive pattern. If it’s always supposedly your fault, someone is playing mind games on you. Because it never is always your fault.


I'm not sure this is a clear case of psychological abuse or gaslighting based on what the OP stated. It could also be interpreted as the man being obstinate or unwilling to admit he's wrong.

Perhaps the OP would like to clarify?



cornerpiece
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03 Jul 2021, 1:36 pm

cyberdad wrote:
I'm not sure this is a clear case of psychological abuse or gaslighting based on what the OP stated. It could also be interpreted as the man being obstinate or unwilling to admit he's wrong.

Perhaps the OP would like to clarify?

I remember reading a description of emotional abuse on the internet. I ticked about half the boxes.

But on the other hand I don't think he is intentionally mean. He just can't hold this s**t together.

Obstinate - yes I think that too... although this is interesting... He tends to take opposite side when I suggest something, but if left to decide himself, after a while does what I suggested.

For example when I got the vaccine and said he should get it too, he got angry and refused. Said that covid is just a flu, and vaccines are dangerous, that science says so, and if I take the vaccine it means that I reject science. He even made me say that I reject science, otherwise he wouldnt stop shouting and calling me an idiot. So I said that I reject science and I don't mind if he doesn't take the vaccine. After a few days I think he started doubting and researching which vaccine is better and how to get it. I think he knows what is the right decision, it's just that he needs to arrive to it himself, otherwise he takes the opposite view automatically.

It wasn't always like that. He used to agree with me before, and helped me with a lot of things. But now he says that he regrets it, he should have never agreed, he just never had the guts to say no, and let me made some bad decisions which have ruined his life.

It is true I made some bad calls. I just thought we were making them together. But maybe I missed some subtle hints and didn't see that he wasn't quite committed.



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03 Jul 2021, 3:19 pm

cornerpiece wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
I'm not sure this is a clear case of psychological abuse or gaslighting based on what the OP stated. It could also be interpreted as the man being obstinate or unwilling to admit he's wrong.

Perhaps the OP would like to clarify?

I remember reading a description of emotional abuse on the internet. I ticked about half the boxes.

But on the other hand I don't think he is intentionally mean. He just can't hold this s**t together.

Obstinate - yes I think that too... although this is interesting... He tends to take opposite side when I suggest something, but if left to decide himself, after a while does what I suggested.

For example when I got the vaccine and said he should get it too, he got angry and refused. Said that covid is just a flu, and vaccines are dangerous, that science says so, and if I take the vaccine it means that I reject science. He even made me say that I reject science, otherwise he wouldnt stop shouting and calling me an idiot. So I said that I reject science and I don't mind if he doesn't take the vaccine. After a few days I think he started doubting and researching which vaccine is better and how to get it. I think he knows what is the right decision, it's just that he needs to arrive to it himself, otherwise he takes the opposite view automatically.

It wasn't always like that. He used to agree with me before, and helped me with a lot of things. But now he says that he regrets it, he should have never agreed, he just never had the guts to say no, and let me made some bad decisions which have ruined his life.

It is true I made some bad calls. I just thought we were making them together. But maybe I missed some subtle hints and didn't see that he wasn't quite committed.


Most people who are emotionally abusive aren't intentionally, consciously doing it. But there is a pain deep inside them that demands they strike out as a way of temporarily relieving the pain.

I still see that pattern in what you write.

If that isn't who he wants to be, counseling could help him. But he is going to have to be willing.

I'm sorry to say this, but in my experience, until they admit the destructive patterns they are falling into, it will only get worse.

These situations are so difficult, because knowing someone you love is in pain and acting out of pain is difficult. You want to help, but once a relationship has reached this stage, it becomes important to realize that you will never be able to help. The solution has to come from somewhere else.

It would take books to explain all I know and think on the issue, but my instinct for it has never steered me wrong in the past. My recommendation at this point is simply get him to go to counseling. If he refuses, you need to rethink the relationship. You should enter separate counseling for yourself. I can see you losing and doubting yourself. I don't want that for you.


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cyberdad
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04 Jul 2021, 1:34 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
I'm sorry to say this, but in my experience, until they admit the destructive patterns they are falling into, it will only get worse.
These situations are so difficult, because knowing someone you love is in pain and acting out of pain is difficult. You want to help, but once a relationship has reached this stage, it becomes important to realize that you will never be able to help. The solution has to come from somewhere else.


I'm not entirely convinced every situation falls into relationships you've experienced DW but regardless the OP has reached a juncture where the outside solution might be counselling.

The OP's partner would have to agree to listen to a third party explain that he is choosing not to listen to the OP and that hearing it from a professional that he is causing the OP pain might help him identify the behavior patterns you have outlined.

What isn't helpful to the OP or her partner is labelling these patterns as gaslighting or abuse as that will only cause the partner to close down and then the OP will have no choice but walk away from the relationship. My interpretation is that the OP still wants the relationship to work (otherwise she would not be posting here) and that this might be the solution to at least try.



cornerpiece
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05 Jul 2021, 1:24 am

My wish is to help myself cope with being in this relationship as it is. I don't have much hope my partner will change something or even seek any help, but I would like to somehow redirect those expressions of his inner pain away from myself. And find strength to motivate myself to live and work and be productive despite difficulties in personal life (which we all have, after all). I have indeed considered personal counseling... Bloody expensive! But I might some day arrive at the point when it will be worth it.



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05 Jul 2021, 1:29 am

cornerpiece wrote:
I don't have much hope my partner will change something or even seek any help, but I would like to somehow redirect those expressions of his inner pain away from myself.


In that case it sounds like you have accepted the relationship is beyond repair. In that case I would take DW Mom's advice and try and end this relationship before it gets worse for your mental health.



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05 Jul 2021, 5:23 am

cornerpiece wrote:
My wish is to help myself cope with being in this relationship as it is. I don't have much hope my partner will change something or even seek any help, but I would like to somehow redirect those expressions of his inner pain away from myself. And find strength to motivate myself to live and work and be productive despite difficulties in personal life (which we all have, after all). I have indeed considered personal counseling... Bloody expensive! But I might some day arrive at the point when it will be worth it.


I don’t know what is available in your location, but even if you aren’t sure it applies to you, there hopefully are groups for women who have experienced abuse issues that are likely to be free. There may also be organizations with sliding scale fees.

Obviously I cannot definitively conclude anything about your life and your relationship from a message board, I can only share how it seems to me. Working through the questions with a counselor in real life can help you navigate regardless of if I am right or not.

I would not go up to your partner and label his behavior, but I do think you should tell him that for the sake of your relationship you think he should enter counseling. If he can get help, it would help you.

Meanwhile, perhaps do a lot of reading. There are many books on the topic.


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