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AspieVirgo
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06 Jul 2021, 10:17 am

Hey everyone
So this is my first post here. Please bear with me for any mistakes or repitions from previous posts :)

I’m a 32 year old woman, who is dating this amazing (NT) woman. I’ve been single for ages and never had an actual adult relationship. And it’s been fine. I’m very well on my own. But this woman... she’s everything. We have the same values, same sense of humor. We want the same things in life and we just click. And I can tell that’s she’s in love with me. So far, so good.
So here’s my problem. I’m not in love with her. At least, I don’t think I am. But I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. With anyone. I don’t completely know what being “in love” feels like, but from what I read in books or watch in movies, this isn’t it.
And that makes me feel pretty crappy. I haven’t told her that I’m in love with her, cause I don’t lie. But I haven’t told her that I’m not. And I don’t intend to.
I think the feelings I have for her are the maximum amount I can feel for someone else.
But a lot of the time, I can’t feel her at all. When we’re not together and I have an off day, have some anxiety or slightly depressed days, thinking about her doesn’t make me feel good. And I think that it should.

I haven’t talked to my friends about this. I feel very wrong. Like my feelings should be something completely different, but they just aren’t.

Can anyone in any way relate to this? I don’t know if this is an autistic trait or my emotional range is just.... off.



DW_a_mom
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06 Jul 2021, 3:08 pm

AspieVirgo wrote:
Hey everyone
So this is my first post here. Please bear with me for any mistakes or repitions from previous posts :)

I’m a 32 year old woman, who is dating this amazing (NT) woman. I’ve been single for ages and never had an actual adult relationship. And it’s been fine. I’m very well on my own. But this woman... she’s everything. We have the same values, same sense of humor. We want the same things in life and we just click. And I can tell that’s she’s in love with me. So far, so good.
So here’s my problem. I’m not in love with her. At least, I don’t think I am. But I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. With anyone. I don’t completely know what being “in love” feels like, but from what I read in books or watch in movies, this isn’t it.
And that makes me feel pretty crappy. I haven’t told her that I’m in love with her, cause I don’t lie. But I haven’t told her that I’m not. And I don’t intend to.
I think the feelings I have for her are the maximum amount I can feel for someone else.
But a lot of the time, I can’t feel her at all. When we’re not together and I have an off day, have some anxiety or slightly depressed days, thinking about her doesn’t make me feel good. And I think that it should.

I haven’t talked to my friends about this. I feel very wrong. Like my feelings should be something completely different, but they just aren’t.

Can anyone in any way relate to this? I don’t know if this is an autistic trait or my emotional range is just.... off.


This is a tough area for someone on the spectrum, because feelings do register differently.

IMHO there is no right or wrong way to feel love. While media tends to focus on the intensity of the chemical and lust side, for many people falling in love is more like realizing someone simply feels like family. There is a calm and comfort being with them; a sense that things are "right."

I do know someone who can relate to your conundrum, and when they raised this topic to me, the standard I used was the simple, "how would you feel if you had to return to life without them?" If the other person is filling an essential role for you that you don't want to be without, perhaps that is how you feel love. That seems to be what the last person I talked to decided, because they have since decided to use the term with their partner, and have gotten quite comfortable doing so.


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Juliette
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07 Jul 2021, 8:19 pm

As a fellow Aspie Virgo, my instincts tell me that this relationship could last, but you will need to really work at this to make it last.

I say this, as someone who has experienced being completely and utterly “in love” for years, decades in fact, and relationships I’ve experienced as you’ve described, simply, unfortunately, don’t last. The one chance you have of making this last, involves a very special event occurring, and this is rare. Sincerely wish you well.



Mona Pereth
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09 Jul 2021, 12:03 pm

AspieVirgo wrote:
Hey everyone
So this is my first post here. Please bear with me for any mistakes or repitions from previous posts :)

I’m a 32 year old woman, who is dating this amazing (NT) woman. I’ve been single for ages and never had an actual adult relationship. And it’s been fine. I’m very well on my own. But this woman... she’s everything. We have the same values, same sense of humor. We want the same things in life and we just click. And I can tell that’s she’s in love with me. So far, so good.

How long have you known her, and how many times have you seen her in-person so far?

AspieVirgo wrote:
So here’s my problem. I’m not in love with her. At least, I don’t think I am. But I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. With anyone. I don’t completely know what being “in love” feels like, but from what I read in books or watch in movies, this isn’t it.

Don't use movies or romance novels as a guide to what constitutes a good relationship. They're totally unrealistic.

For example, "Love at first sight" is common in movies. That's because a movie is only 90 minutes to 2 hours long, so there just isn't anywhere near enough time to show a relationship develop in any reasonable way. In reality, when you first meet someone, you don't know them well enough to have any idea whether you could have a good relationship with that person, beyond ruling out some obvious bad choices.

Unfortunately, a lot of people do take the movies as a guide. IMO this is one of the main reasons why a lot of people end up in bad relationships.

AspieVirgo wrote:
And that makes me feel pretty crappy. I haven’t told her that I’m in love with her, cause I don’t lie. But I haven’t told her that I’m not. And I don’t intend to.
I think the feelings I have for her are the maximum amount I can feel for someone else.

IMO, intense excitement is not the primary thing anyone should be seeking in a relationship, in the first place. Infatuation inevitably fades anyway.

So the most important question you should be asking yourself is not how intensely excited you are about this woman, but rather how well you and she would get along with each other in the long run. To answer that question, you and she will need to spend time in each other's company, both of you visiting each other.

You say: "We have the same values, same sense of humor. We want the same things in life and we just click." Sounds good so far.

Next thing you need to know is whether you would enjoy physical intimacy with her.

Also, and very important, you need to find out whether you and she have compatible household habits.

And then, the most important thing you need to know is whether you and she have compatible ways of handling disagreements. IMO that's the single most important factor that can make or break a relationship.

AspieVirgo wrote:
But a lot of the time, I can’t feel her at all. When we’re not together and I have an off day, have some anxiety or slightly depressed days, thinking about her doesn’t make me feel good. And I think that it should.

No, a relationship is not a magical cure-all for everything that might make you feel bad.

AspieVirgo wrote:
I haven’t talked to my friends about this. I feel very wrong. Like my feelings should be something completely different, but they just aren’t.

I see nothing wrong here except, perhaps, for giving undue weight to what happens in the movies.

AspieVirgo wrote:
Can anyone in any way relate to this? I don’t know if this is an autistic trait or my emotional range is just.... off.

It's true that many autistic people experience emotions differently from the way NT's experience them. But there's no reason to let that stop you from having a good relationship, if you've found someone truly compatible.


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AspieVirgo
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09 Jul 2021, 2:57 pm

Hey, thanks a lot for taking the time to read this, think about it and answer me. It means a lot.

I've had a good couple of days, minimum anxiety, and sometimes I can even almost feel her even when we're not together. And I know I want to see her and kiss her. And that I think about her a lot. And that when something happens, I want to text her and tell her. So yeah. I guess that's the closest thing to being in love that I'm gonna get (:

DW_a_mom wrote:
the standard I used was the simple, "how would you feel if you had to return to life without them?"


The logical part of my brain tells me that returning to life without her wouldn't change much, as we only see each other a couple of nights a week. At the same time, I know it would be brutally painful. And the idea that she would move on to someone else and be with someone who isn't me... that's heartbreaking. So yeah. I definitely don't want her not in my life.

Juliette wrote:
I say this, as someone who has experienced being completely and utterly “in love” for years, decades in fact, and relationships I’ve experienced as you’ve described, simply, unfortunately, don’t last.


I've never had that experience, though. Of being completely and utterly in love. With anyone. Not even as a crazy, hormonal teenager. So all of my relationsships have been like this. To be fair, none of them have lasted very long either...

[quote=Mona Pereth"]How long have you known her, and how many times have you seen her in-person so far?[/quote]

I've actually know her from a distance for a couple of years. We've been dating a few months now, seeing each other a couple of times a week.

Mona Pereth wrote:
Next thing you need to know is whether you would enjoy physical intimacy with her.

Also, and very important, you need to find out whether you and she have compatible household habits.

And then, the most important thing you need to know is whether you and she have compatible ways of handling disagreements. IMO that's the single most important factor that can make or break a relationship.


We have a very physical relationship and it's really good. For both of us.
We've talked about eventually living together and we agree that it's not for us. Ever (at least we don't think). We're both quite private people.
We've had a few, not disagreements exactly, but situtations where we've seen things differently and we've just talked about it, calmly.



kraftiekortie
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09 Jul 2021, 5:22 pm

I’m glad at least the physical part is good.