Which option do you think is best?

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I chose #2 because I already get a lot out of being alone as it is, so it's easy to ignore the fact that there is no significant other to speak of. Also, it doesn't help that previous relationships were stressful due to social obligations and not yet being diagnosed. In those cases, whatever attraction may have existed initially did not last.

Socializing is still an option while single of course, along with flirting. Even if none of it amounted to anything, I would still learn a lot from those interactions and have work to get lost in. A large variety of traits are attractive to me though, beyond looks, so even with just a hint of physical attraction, it wouldn't take much effort to choose #1 instead.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a guy I wasn't romantically attracted to, probably because I'd just end up letting them down. It happened before, years ago when I was single. This boy asked me out, and I thought he might grow on me so I said yes. But he kept texting sweet messages and as I read them I felt nauseous. Then I went to the movies with him and as he sat with his arms around me I had to pretend to love his touch. But I was getting more and more depressed by the day, until I could no longer keep up this charade. So I had to get my friends to tell him that he's not my type and that we could just be friends. He took it well but I think he was heartbroken. But it was the kindest thing to do and had to be done. I felt free after that.

That's awesome Some people, especially us Aspies tend to make bad 1st impressions. Some of us(myself included) tend to perform better & show more attractive qualities after we are within a serious relationship than we do trying to get dates & in the very early stages of dating. Sometimes people can accurately judge a book by it's cover but NOT all the time. It can take time for those of us on the spectrum to warm up to people & feel comfortably with being close to them & showing more of our true selves. That's why it really irks me to read posts by very lonely extremely frustrated singles who claim to majorly want a relationship but they have more requirements for a partner than the TSA has for items not allowed on airplanes & people who are not allowed to fly. I guess beggars really can be extremely choosy & demanding I know what it's like to be extremely lonely & frustrated about being single because I've been there. But I also know that people need to have something that would make somebody want to be with them. It can be odd or something very few would like but you have to have something that would make you attractive to the type of person you want to be with. You are delusional to expect & demand that you can get a partner who fits your LOOOONG laundry list of criteria when you have next to nothing about you that would make the one person on the planet who actually fits that list actually want to be with you. I mean You in general sense RightGalaxy, your kewl. Those constant complainers do NOT listen & it gets to be extremely exasperating posting the same things to them that they immediately dismiss every time. I really do NOT have the patience for that anymore because even I get tired of that much redundancy.

Most humans don't want a boyfriend or girlfriend, they just want sex and therapy.

Isn't that what basically defines boyfriend/girlfriend stuff? I don't know since I'm asexual, but that how it looks from the outside to me.

Last edited by StrayCat81 on 10 Aug 2021, 3:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.

can you tell me how that differs from #1?

having been somebody's last choice, [or 2nd to last], i know how that feels, it feels lousy. i would not inflict that on another.

I think of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff as spending a lot of time together doing whatever together but also being there for each other & supporting each other. Kinda like best friends or siblings who grew up together & are very close with each other but are also very affectionate with each other. Different people have very different ideas about relationships though

I've known some disabled people & people with different issues who've got in relationships where they were both kinda each others only choice/option at the time & they ended up falling hard for each other after a while. They were wanting things to work because it was better than being alone or being homeless on the street or whatever & they started seeing each other's inner beauty as they spent time together & learned about each other. I've also known people who got in serious romantic relationships with someone they were majorly attracted to & things became very toxic after a bit because they realized that their partner was not a good person & was very abusive. Infatuation can make you blind to the real person, especially if they are just putting on an act & being on their best behavior at 1st.

Last edited by nick007 on 10 Aug 2021, 4:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

people by and large have not shown enthusiasm for my inner beauty. they only notice an outside that does not impress them. oh well, i'm closer to the end than to the beginning so it is increasingly a moot thing.

I just edited & added a tad because I thought of something right after I posted it like I usually do no matter how many times I reread my posts 1st
People need to be willing to give others a chance to prove themselves before writing them off. It's like that with LOTS of things not just romantic relationships.

why do you care if you let them down...you are not attracted to them?

I don't like to hurt their feelings but letting them down is a different thing.

just tell them you don't feel the same...its difficult but its life

amuuuricans by and large seem uniquely unforgiving and strictly of a good first impressions mode.

I agree but I think it may inherently be part of human nature & not a characteristic specially related to the US. That discussion is probably much better suited for another section. There are plenty of exceptions though & they are more likely to be people who are very misunderstood themselves & not part of mainstream society, think various minority groups & underground cultures or loners & outcasts. Us Aspies fall into those so it makes sense(at least to me) that we may have much better luck if we try to seek out potential partners who are not part of mainstream society. Even if they don't fit in for very different reasons than us, we can still both relate to what it's like to be misunderstood & excluded. It can also help if we are willing to be accepting of decent people who are very different from us. "Judge not lest ye be judged" after all.

so far, i am too dissimilar to everybody on earth, to be widely considered suitable mate material or even friend material.

I'm great when I'm single, mentally balanced, therefore with the knowledge i gathered if it were possible singleness would be a good idea. There are more chances for me to select partners that are abusive and easily give up. Seeing as the majority of people also have this issue since most suffer from one form or another of childhood traps and few do learn how to distinguish between healthy and non healthy partners, as well as being tricked is not hard even for professionals who are trained not to be, I would say that is not a bad life, a life where people are single.

However if i highly desired to have a relationship for the sake of having a relationship i would do it regardlessly of much anything. But from this there comes the moral question: how would i make it fair and honest, because that's a necessity of relationships and the ego. If I did this, I would go against what I represent for selfish purposes, but that's the nature of desiring a relationship for mainly the sake of having one. And if not I think there is not much possibility for me to be successful, id have to search for partners who are up for what I want and I'd likely not find them easily and fast. Even for sexual partners generally there is a requirement there for you to be interested in them, is what they expect and I don't blame them for desiring that.

I actually did number 1 (not a joke) but the situation was, friends i was not attracted to wanted to be with me, i gave them a chance, and I believed we could make it through based on what i had observed they were like and given the work we both agreed to do. Eventually attraction developed, I would say in one case significantly more, but that didnt ensure a healthier relationship neither success.

I dont naturally desire relationships, I desire people.