AS NT relationship struggles

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Matt47
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14 Jul 2021, 9:54 am

Last month I learned that I have been living with high functioning autism my whole life. I have been trying to educate myself about NT & AS relationships but my boyfriend seems to be insistent on wanting more affection and me to show more effort. I try to explain that I am not withholding affection and when I try to stick to the logical standpoint that if he is seeking more affection, he may not be compatible with an aspie. He gets really offended and says I am running away every time I try to stick to the facts. The way I am interpreting the situation, he expects me to acknowledge my lack of affection and try harder but I already feel burnt out in general and find it hard to engage virtually on a daily basis (long distance relationship). The more he asks me to show that I want the relationship, the more I feel anxious and like I cannot fulfill his emotional needs. He thinks that I give up too easily but I don't feel strong enough to constantly prove that I want to be in the relationship when I often feel like it is unsustainable and that he will be unhappy with me long term. Am I being unreasonable or are his expectations stemming from a neurotypical viewpoint and that's why he doesn't understand why I have difficulty reassuring him that I am committed (he feels like he is the only one trying to save it but I feel like he is the one that is constantly not satisfied and upset about my lack of affection, attention, etc.). Whenever I try to educate him about my aspie symptoms he says I am cherry picking information which also makes it seem like he genuinely does not believe or downplays my symptoms. Any advice is welcomed!



Mona Pereth
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14 Jul 2021, 11:14 am

Matt47 wrote:
Last month I learned that I have been living with high functioning autism my whole life. I have been trying to educate myself about NT & AS relationships but my boyfriend seems to be insistent on wanting more affection and me to show more effort.

Websites about NT & AS relationships vary in quality. Some of these sites are very good and have worthwhile, constructive advice. Others are little more than anti-Aspie hate sites.

Matt47 wrote:
I try to explain that I am not withholding affection and when I try to stick to the logical standpoint that if he is seeking more affection, he may not be compatible with an aspie.

Aspies are very different from each other, as well as from NT's. So telling him categorically that he might not be compatible with "an Aspie" is probably not the best approach.

Matt47 wrote:
He gets really offended and says I am running away every time I try to stick to the facts. The way I am interpreting the situation, he expects me to acknowledge my lack of affection and try harder but I already feel burnt out in general and find it hard to engage virtually on a daily basis (long distance relationship).

What specific form does your virtual interaction with him usually take? Video, audio, text-based chat, email, some combination thereof? Would it be less tiring to you in a different form, or a different combination of forms?

Matt47 wrote:
The more he asks me to show that I want the relationship, the more I feel anxious and like I cannot fulfill his emotional needs. He thinks that I give up too easily but I don't feel strong enough to constantly prove that I want to be in the relationship when I often feel like it is unsustainable and that he will be unhappy with me long term. Am I being unreasonable or are his expectations stemming from a neurotypical viewpoint and that's why he doesn't understand why I have difficulty reassuring him that I am committed (he feels like he is the only one trying to save it but I feel like he is the one that is constantly not satisfied and upset about my lack of affection, attention, etc.).

Without knowing a LOT more about the particulars of your relationship with him, there's no way for us to tell how much of this is due to him being NT vs. how much of this may be due to him just being insecure (more so than the average NT would be in the same situation).

Have you been in other romantic relationships before? If so, did your previous partners have similar issues?

Matt47 wrote:
Whenever I try to educate him about my aspie symptoms he says I am cherry picking information which also makes it seem like he genuinely does not believe or downplays my symptoms.

Ugh! You need him to believe you when you tell him about yourself and your needs. You need him NOT to think he knows you better than you know yourself. I would suggest that you tell him this.


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Sweetleaf
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14 Jul 2021, 11:30 am

I mean if the two of you haven't even met yet and its all virtual only, and its already to the point where the relationship needs to be 'fixed' does seem difficult to see it working long term.

That said I am a bit biased about Long distance relationships and don't think they work long term in general.


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Matt47
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14 Jul 2021, 12:01 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Matt47 wrote:
Last month I learned that I have been living with high functioning autism my whole life. I have been trying to educate myself about NT & AS relationships but my boyfriend seems to be insistent on wanting more affection and me to show more effort.

Websites about NT & AS relationships vary in quality. Some of these sites are very good and have worthwhile, constructive advice. Others are little more than anti-Aspie hate sites.

Matt47 wrote:
I try to explain that I am not withholding affection and when I try to stick to the logical standpoint that if he is seeking more affection, he may not be compatible with an aspie.

Aspies are very different from each other, as well as from NT's. So telling him categorically that he might not be compatible with "an Aspie" is probably not the best approach.

Matt47 wrote:
He gets really offended and says I am running away every time I try to stick to the facts. The way I am interpreting the situation, he expects me to acknowledge my lack of affection and try harder but I already feel burnt out in general and find it hard to engage virtually on a daily basis (long distance relationship).

What specific form does your virtual interaction with him usually take? Video, audio, text-based chat, email, some combination thereof? Would it be less tiring to you in a different form, or a different combination of forms?

Matt47 wrote:
The more he asks me to show that I want the relationship, the more I feel anxious and like I cannot fulfill his emotional needs. He thinks that I give up too easily but I don't feel strong enough to constantly prove that I want to be in the relationship when I often feel like it is unsustainable and that he will be unhappy with me long term. Am I being unreasonable or are his expectations stemming from a neurotypical viewpoint and that's why he doesn't understand why I have difficulty reassuring him that I am committed (he feels like he is the only one trying to save it but I feel like he is the one that is constantly not satisfied and upset about my lack of affection, attention, etc.).

Without knowing a LOT more about the particulars of your relationship with him, there's no way for us to tell how much of this is due to him being NT vs. how much of this may be due to him just being insecure (more so than the average NT would be in the same situation).

Have you been in other romantic relationships before? If so, did your previous partners have similar issues?

Matt47 wrote:
Whenever I try to educate him about my aspie symptoms he says I am cherry picking information which also makes it seem like he genuinely does not believe or downplays my symptoms.

Ugh! You need him to believe you when you tell him about yourself and your needs. You need him NOT to think he knows you better than you know yourself. I would suggest that you tell him this.



Thank you for taking the time to respond!

We communicate via Zoom & Duo for video calls and use Snapchat, Instagram, & Facebook messenger for text chats. I prefer video chat since I can see his face and communicate verbally but it does drain me to video chat daily despite wanting to spend quality time with him (I am unsure how to communicate this without him taking it personally - I have tried but unsuccessfully). I also feel like I fall behind and have to catch up on messages and it makes it seem like I am less invested but really am just burnout (ex: I have to watch videos he sends me while I am at work after work and it eats into my processing/down time/chore time).

I have been in romantic relationships before but they always have ended with the other partner leaving me. I used to think it was due to attachment styles (I often have gone for avoidant men but now I wonder if I was drawn to them because there was less emotional connection involved). My current boyfriend seems to have an anxious attachment style which triggers my avoidant attachment style and doesn't make it easier to meet eachothers needs. My boyfriend has not had a lot of past relationships so that may also be playing a factor.

We tend to work things out better in person because I can take my space and then come back when I feel ready to be affectionate but virtually I have been floundering because it requires more attention and communication than I feel able to provide on a constant basis.

He expressed that he wants to feel more loved but when I ask how, he says he wants me to make more of an effort. Since he is the one unsatisfied with my effort, I feel defeated because I don't feel like I have much more to give. It feels like an unsustainable cycle in a way but I also want to be with him but want him to adjust his expectations. When I mention that I feel pressured by his expectations, he gets mad again and says that he doesn't have expectations (while asking for more affection - which to me comes across as expecting more).



Matt47
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14 Jul 2021, 12:03 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
I mean if the two of you haven't even met yet and its all virtual only, and its already to the point where the relationship needs to be 'fixed' does seem difficult to see it working long term.

That said I am a bit biased about Long distance relationships and don't think they work long term in general.


We have met, we even lived together for a few months but struggled to make it work. In retrospect I think it was because I was undiagnosed and didn't understand my boundaries, triggers, etc.

We try to get together once every 2 months at least but talk virtually daily.



Mona Pereth
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14 Jul 2021, 2:24 pm

Matt47 wrote:
Thank you for taking the time to respond!

We communicate via Zoom & Duo for video calls and use Snapchat, Instagram, & Facebook messenger for text chats. I prefer video chat since I can see his face and communicate verbally but it does drain me to video chat daily despite wanting to spend quality time with him (I am unsure how to communicate this without him taking it personally - I have tried but unsuccessfully).

Might be a sensory issue?

Zoom has really bad flicker. Most people can't see it flickering, but my boyfriend, who is highly sensitive to this sort of thing, can see see it and gets a headache from it almost immediately. There are probably other people who can't see the flicker consciously, but see it subconsciously and get headaches or at least very tired from it.

Perhaps you might want to experiment with other video conferencing platforms to see if any of them are less tiring for you to look at?

Matt47 wrote:
I also feel like I fall behind and have to catch up on messages and it makes it seem like I am less invested but really am just burnout (ex: I have to watch videos he sends me while I am at work after work and it eats into my processing/down time/chore time).

Perhaps you need to ask him to limit the number of videos he sends you, or perhaps to send you videos only on weekends?

Also, an important question: Does he too have a job? If so, does he work as long hours as you do? Also, are you both currently working from home, or do either or both of you commute? If both of you commute, is there a significant difference in your commuting times?

Also, are either or both of you currently attending school?

In short, I'm wondering if he has more time on his hands than you do, and if he might therefore be lonelier for that reason.

Matt47 wrote:
I have been in romantic relationships before but they always have ended with the other partner leaving me. I used to think it was due to attachment styles (I often have gone for avoidant men but now I wonder if I was drawn to them because there was less emotional connection involved).

Is the amount of emotional connection really the issue, or just the amount of effort?

In my experience, if two people really "click" on a deep level, then they can have a strong emotional connection with relatively little effort (although all relationships do require some effort).

So, if you could have a stronger emotional connection with less effort on both your and the other person's part, would you want it? Or would an intense emotional connection feel dangerous to you in and of itself?

Matt47 wrote:
My current boyfriend seems to have an anxious attachment style which triggers my avoidant attachment style and doesn't make it easier to meet eachothers needs.

Yes, regardless of whether the issue is really "attachment style" or something else, being hounded by one's partner to be more affectionate tends not to make a person feel more affectionate, and if anything tends to have the opposite effect.

Matt47 wrote:
My boyfriend has not had a lot of past relationships so that may also be playing a factor.

How old is he? (And how old are you?)

Matt47 wrote:
We tend to work things out better in person because I can take my space and then come back when I feel ready to be affectionate but virtually I have been floundering because it requires more attention and communication than I feel able to provide on a constant basis.

He expressed that he wants to feel more loved but when I ask how, he says he wants me to make more of an effort.

You need him to be more specific about what he wants.

Saying he just wants you to "make more of an effort" sounds almost as if he doesn't care what you do as long as you wear yourself out even more than you are wearing yourself out already. That's probably not what he means, of course.

Matt47 wrote:
Since he is the one unsatisfied with my effort, I feel defeated because I don't feel like I have much more to give. It feels like an unsustainable cycle in a way but I also want to be with him but want him to adjust his expectations. When I mention that I feel pressured by his expectations, he gets mad again and says that he doesn't have expectations (while asking for more affection - which to me comes across as expecting more).

Sounds like you and he both need to learn to communicate better with with each other?

You might find some of the tutorials listed on the following pages of my website helpful (and you might want to share some of these tutorials with him): (1) assertiveness, (2) active listening, (3) giving and receiving constructive criticism, and (4) "Nonviolent Communication" (NVC).


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HarpyEagle
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15 Jul 2021, 10:25 am

Hi Matt47. I think it might be best for you and your boyfriend not to view this as an AS NT relationship struggle, but rather as a relationship struggle. Otherwise, there is a risk that all behaviours will get blamed on having/not understanding AS which can be quite toxic. For example, my son who has "problems on the autistic spectrum" once had a girlfriend who would point out anything she didn't like as being an autistic trait which he should see a therapist about. Thankfully, the relationship didn't last long. Your boyfriend does sound demanding of attention and this seems to be getting in the way of you both enjoying your time together. You seem to be doing your best. There is a risk that he is being abusive - telling you you are doing something wrong when you are not, particularly if he is blaming your AS - in which case, please leave him (easy to say, I know). But he might instead be panicking if he thinks the relationship is on the rocks. Even if the latter is true, there is probably more joy outside the relationship than in...



NT_AFAIK
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26 Jul 2021, 11:06 pm

Quote:
The more he asks me to show that I want the relationship, the more I feel anxious and like I cannot fulfill his emotional needs. He thinks that I give up too easily but I don't feel strong enough to constantly prove that I want to be in the relationship when I often feel like it is unsustainable and that he will be unhappy with me long term. Am I being unreasonable or are his expectations stemming from a neurotypical viewpoint and that's why he doesn't understand why I have difficulty reassuring him that I am committed (he feels like he is the only one trying to save it but I feel like he is the one that is constantly not satisfied and upset about my lack of affection, attention, etc.).


Quote:
We communicate via Zoom & Duo for video calls and use Snapchat, Instagram, & Facebook messenger for text chats. I prefer video chat since I can see his face and communicate verbally but it does drain me to video chat daily despite wanting to spend quality time with him (I am unsure how to communicate this without him taking it personally - I have tried but unsuccessfully). I also feel like I fall behind and have to catch up on messages and it makes it seem like I am less invested but really am just burnout (ex: I have to watch videos he sends me while I am at work after work and it eats into my processing/down time/chore time).


I'm glad I read this because it gives me some insight on what could possibly be going on in the mind of the guy I'm dating. I too would like more affection from him, and I have asked for "affection" in the past but he didn't know what that meant. Based on what I read on forum posts I have to be specific on what I want so I asked for hugs, and when he does it on his own I say I like it when he does that....kind of to remind him of my needs, without sounding like I'm nagging him. There are things that are sort of "expected" when you're dating someone, at least from an NT's perspective which may not come naturally with NDs (maybe because of sensory issues, overstimulation, or some other reason).. and that's the difference that has to be reconciled. I think it's great that you both are addressing it, but are you on the same page on what's being addressed? Maybe you need to be more specific on what that "need" is. What does "try harder" mean to him? What does affection constitute to him? Words of affirmation? Maybe send letters unexpectedly? How about your needs? Does your partner read about AS to understand YOUR needs? Does he know about burnout? My guy doesn't give me any affection when he's stressed out, and I don't force it because it'll just push him away.

I still take this personally from time to time, even though I'm actively trying to understand, but my guy would sometimes give me a heads up about when has a lot on his plate -- that means could be unresponsive, or he can be snippy. When he says that, I TRY to avoid texting him anything frivolous, understand if says he needs some alone time.. etc. I feel like the NT partner can only fathom this though if they understand how overwhelmed you can get, and that you need some down time.. and perhaps would know about this if they read about AS. It's very difficult to empathize with someone if they're not experiencing it themselves so communication along with them reading about AS will help. Without understanding on both sides, it will be very difficult to reconcile differences.