I'm Not Sure If I've Ever Loved

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I'm really tired, but I'll try my best to explain my potential realization.. I've had many partners and friends throughout my life... got caught up in "hook-up culture" in my 20's...

I've had about three, what I'd consider "real relationships"... and countless partners... despite the complications that would eventually end them..

I've made friends that I think I'd fallen in love with... well that's were the confusion begins...

I don't think I've ever been in love.. I've felt feelings, enjoyed cuddling, romantic moments of bonding.. even with long-term hook-ups aka "booty calls"...

I've shut many men and women down who were interested, when things would always get "too serious".. (e.g. marraige talk/proposals, them getting my name tattood on them.. s**t like that always pushed me away)..

I love conversation and flirting and I'm a really smooth talker, when I'm interested in people.. and even when I'm not interested in someone, or fear them based on whatever strong vibes I get from them, to where they'll think that I'm being flirtatious towards them (causing negative outcomes for me) when it was just a misinterpretation of me just being uncomfortable around them..

I've had two bdsm-type of relationships.. one guy I still converse with vaguely.. the other was hot, memorable, but I ended it quickly, when my instincts kicked in that he was bad news (still miss him tho)..

Even my best friend/soulmate.. I feel envious/jealous of her fiancé because I love her so much.. despite us never having a sexual relationship..

I remember every intimate relationship that I've ever been in, asexual, platonic, or sexual..

When these relationships end.. it crushes me.. but I still reminisce about special moments experienced with all of them to my peril and self-destructive overthinking about how and what I did wrong (even if they were in the wrong), I just dissociate and dream about those fruitful exchanges.. be it with people overseas from different parts of the world.. long distance relationships... etc.. whatever..

I may be dead or not exist to them anymore, but their times with me, I will always cherish..

I've always said I'm a multi-lover.. my heart can love many people at once, past or present..

I know some would figure it's because I'm polyamorous (which is true.. or has been for most of my sexual and/or romantic life).. but it dawned on me the other day.. in my lonliness and absolute isolation (I recently ended a five year relationship (with my family's help and support) from a toxic and narcissistic abusive as*hole whom I adored and still do, but it was an asexual love from me and he was all about the sex causing me to always doubt my love for him; being treated sh***y didn't help me maintain arousal, during sexy time which was always a chore for me and I had to pretend to enjoy it.. which would, in turn
anger him more.. (I still text him to no replies in my desperation of not accepting that it's over)..

I enjoyed the romantic parts, but with him I had no sexual chemistry.. with that said it was a need of his, but I just relished in the romantic side of things..

Years before that, one of my dearest and closest relationships was asexual.. on his behalf, despite me being sexually attracted to him, but regardless it worked out incredibly.. until I began being "overbearing" (the word he used to describe me when breaking up with me.. all those years ago).

My point is... I still am connecting with most of my past partners, even if they've "moved on"... rather... I believe.. or had phathomed the potential that perhaps I've never loved any of these people.. perhaps I become obsessed with them in unhealthy ways instead (not stalker-type s**t, more just a longing for their return into my life and getting emotional, concerning their absence, that lasts a lifetime and drives me mad and makes me feel needy and pathetic because they don't want me anymore or they'd had their "moment" of fun with me, and I'm left with a pain and void in my heart for all of them in different ways based on how they treated me and how our chemistries matched independently from one another..)..

I question, have I ever truly loved?.. if so, am I just afraid of love, do I love too much, or am I just obsessed with those that show me love and compassion because I can't find it within myself, and even if I learned self-love.. would I still suffer with life long obsessions with past lovers/friends dead or alive?..

I never forget and I'm lonely and miserable, these days.. I want to find love again.. but worry if I even know what real love is, opposed to extreme obsession...

I get used quite a bit, despite being weary beforehand and aware that I'm high risk for whatever reason, attracting the people most bad for me..

Better stop saying in real life that if you want to be taken seriously.

There are a lot of people who believe that love is always about one particular person in your life.
They can not imagine that what you say about yourself is true.


What you are describing is exactly how a stalker thinks and feels, so better quit talking like this IRL if you want to be taken seriously.

Better believe that what you are truly missing are the feelings and the moments, not the people. That is healthier for you and for others.


I believe you have. But you just have not been lucky enough when it comes to finding a lover for life, which is actually a BS story. There is only something like finding a lover for until a very old age. After that, the one that remains will suffer for the loss of the other for the rest of his/her life. Endless suffering like that is the price of true love.


I think "obsession" is often called real love when it comes from both sides. That is what called "obsession" is actually the emotion that keeps people together as couples. But is considered as a sickness when it turns out to be one-directional. I believe that it is natural and that plenty of other people feel like that as well, but you have to learn to live with it and most important: hide it.

I am not gay or bisexual but I have been called a stalker by one particular person, simply because I keep thinking back about past relationships and special moments in the same way you do. But the woman who calls me a stalker has never been a direct person so I can imagine the way she responds to me in the present. At first she wanted me dearly and now she only considers me as annoying. I have done my best to explain her what goes on in my mind, but that did not work, because she does not really listen, because she already made up her mind.

It is impossible to convince people when they don't listen, so stop trying it.

You have to realize that most people do not remember those actual moments. Most people only remember a feeling about past relationships and most of the time it is, in general, a bad feeling when it concerns a broken relationship.

So all in all, the problem you are describing can be considered as a memory problem or memory incompatibility.

I believe that what you are describing is proof that you have not found a true lover yet, but did your very best to get to that point. You should talk more about topics like how people deal with memories of past relationships, but you have to be careful, because you can be identified as creep in no time when you are to open about it.

(First of all, thanks for reading and giving your insight. I know it was a lot to read and comprehend)

In regards to being "taking seriously", by whomever for whatever reason is not a concern for me.

I understand that different people live by different lifestyles and "morals", some are more conservative and singular-minded, preferring one person at a time and that's ok. (I'm beginning to lean towards monogamy again myself, now in my 30's; I figure it time to settle down, as I haven't the energy anymore to keep up with my previous dating preferences.)

Some people are monogamous and some are polyamorous or practice polygamy. I'm polyamorous and so are many other people whom are very open about it.

To clarify, I don't go around telling people my dating practices, unless I plan to date them, and if I do, they are usually polyamorous as well, so there are no problems.



Again to clarify, I don't go around speaking of these things to anyone, I'm an extremely private person; which is why I posted my concerns here to get similar insight that your providing (thank you) because it's been eating me up inside, holding in these thoughts and "ah ha" lightbulb moments.

I don't understand your insistance on being "taken seriously", excuse my confusion, but by who and why should I care about the opinions of others? I don't seek or care for the validation from others to meet the status quo of what is considered "serious" or "not serious", concerning my dating preferences.

This is my truth, and my struggle. Not that of those that may seek to judge me because they prefer monogamy over other dating lifestyles, so in turn doesn't apply a necessity in draining the miniscule mental energy I've left to spend on what to worry about.



That's a enlightening assessment, thank you. I will take that into consideration, moving forward. I agree.. I must be relying on these past experiences for some sort of internal comfort, as my internal voids are many that need filling. But with that said.. I am aware that I miss these people on an individual basis for the specific qualities they each possessed.

I miss them for the specific comforts they provided me, but I seem to be the one who either cuts a relationship short before thinking things through from fear of commitment (or some other neurosis yet to be uncovered making me this way), or when I'm open to commitment, I burn the other person out when they fail to upkeep with my emotional needs.. it's all very confusing to me..

I'm trying to understand myself and how I'm wired..



I agree that I believe that I have indeed loved before, when it comes to not having been "lucky enough" when finding a lover "for life"; I agree with you that you're assesment on that is BS as well; as I have very high luck in finding others whom I could have settled down with in the past, as I've stated in my initial post.. but, I do live with those regrets everyday of going into "fight or flight" mode when the concept of life-long commitment to one person arises on their accord, not mine.. perhaps I myself have some control issues (another lightbulb appears above my head) or I am just not ready to settle down, as much as it is tempting, given the financial and combined success in living that middle to upper class life is granted to friends and family whom marry and reproduce, as I sit idly by watching my own life goals shrival under me, attempting to "go it alone" in this country foundated on capitalism to survive..


I do enjoy the ideals of the societal norms that ecompass "one man, one other person, happy ever after- fairytale hollywood concepts".. and I find myself more secure in finding such notions appealing.

I like what you said about "Endless suffering like that is the price of true love.".. that concept applies to my feelings and situation, regarding all of my exes and lovers past and present.. showing me that I have indeed loved before (such a relief knowing this).. I'm not an obsessive creep, I'm obsessed with the idea of their love for me in that time and space that is no more.

When they move on, their memories and my feeling of and for them persist, providing me such deep sorrow.. perhaps it's not obsession, but the natural way that we all experience in reflecting on past relationships.. perhaps one of my special interests are people, in general at some extent.. but I haven't the language for it..



Thank you, for your words; they are a relief.. knowing that I'm experiencing normal feelings; I just need to learn to let them go when appropriate, and most importantly tell them to f*ck off, when I end the relationship; not get sucked back into their games of manipulation to keep me coming back (like with my last relationship of 5 years which was very abusive).

I need to figure out why (despite the facts of a relationship ending) do I still feel "attached" for life to them for some reason. Causing me a collective silent agony that I bear alone.

Rest assured, I keep my obssesive daydreams of yesteryear to myself and have never done things actively "IRL" to be considered, nor have I ever been called a stalker because I've had my own share of stalkers (again I attract those that are red-flag adorned), and know the fear that is induced by being chased down and harrased and abused..



I'm sorry to hear you went through that. It must have been very hurtful to be called out as being deemed a stalker by someone who've loved and cared about, but had since moved on from you.. I can't imagine the pain.

When one's mind is made up, you can't change it, you're right.. eventually, I broke things off for good, but still deal with the same personsl struggles from my abusive ex. He was obsessed with me and isolated me from family and friends, once we moved in together.. s**t eventually hit the fan and I left him (multiple times).

In hindsight, I was obsessed with his love and addicted to being in a constant state of fear of him... hence, why I needed my family's help in keeping me away from his narcissistic, gas-lighting, love-bombing, guilt-tripping abusive ways.. after everytime time I'd break up with him, he'd never let me go.. until I burnt him out, ironically.. so, I guess it ended somewhat poetically..

I'd allowed him to break then mold me, and in the end he left me after having conditioned me in a way that was unbearable (trauma therapy is helping me with this situation)..



Good advice, I agree. Being on the recieving end of stalker's tactics and toxic lovers alike; I see how my actions would constitute a valid annoyance to those I reach out to following a break up, which is rare for me to do, as I usually just text them once in a blue moon (the ones I'd loved the most), but for the most part, I keep my obsessive nature of yearning those I once had, and can't have anymore to myself; eroding my most internals, to myself; rotting my insides.



This hits home for me, and is valuable advice I will keep in mind. Nuerotypicals don't experience love and memories the way I do.. they just associate things with vague reverance or attention during the present and not the past, and have the skills and strength to let go and move on, unlike myself where I remember everything about them, down to when we meet, how they smelled, and vivid memories they've already discarded..



I'm new to this concept and verbage, but will investigate it's meaning accordingly, so I learn how to not suffer anymore. Perhaps bring it to the attention to my therapist..



Thanks for the advice and your perspective. I'm a very private person and I'm not one to blab my troubles to people IRL.. I'll be sure to keep these thoughts for discussion on this forum and with my therapist.

I think you are afraid of true honest intimacy.

And also that it is exactly what you really need, but have never really had.

It's possible... and if so, I need to figure out why and how to resolve the agony that I've encountered and continue to endure..

I get intrusive thoughts of su!cide with considering that I may be alone forever.. we all die alone in the end, regardless.. but it would be nice to have a partner by my side when I do.

My last ex did a number on me.. and I don't trust easily.. I've suffered with severe cptsd before I met him, and he just added to the wieght on my struggle to breath and love myself..

Self-hatred is a problem of mine.. they say you can't love someone if you don't love yourself.. but I don't know if that's true or just motivation p*rn for weak people as myself, in an attempt to lift us up to the occasion of learning self-love.. but I never understood it.

Dealing with the pain of past relationships is already difficult enough and autism does not make it any easier.

I consider the inabilty "to let go" of confronting moments as an autistic trait that a lot of people with autism share, but from different angles.

I have also very often been ruminating about people who were somehow confronting to me. Not just ex-lovers, but also bullies at high school. I consider ruminating as a common autistic trait as well.

And about eating yourself up about being alone forever: I would advise you to keep a day by day record of how you felt at the end of each day. By doing so, I have discovered that similar days have a different effect on how I feel at the end of the day. I do not understand why, but being alone and feeling lonely is not the same and does not always feel the same at the end of every day.

A lot of times I feel tired or bored these days, not lonely.

By keeping a day to day record of how I feel I have also discovered that I have a hard time during the first half year of a new year. For example, in 2020 and 2021 I suddenly felt really bad about myself and my life in April and May. This bad feeling lasted for a month each year. It seems like I suffer from a depressive period that returns every year. It is not just depression. I also get psychotic.

These are of course my experiences and do not have to apply to you, but I really recommend you to keep track of how you feel every day. A logfile of your life. I do this in Excel, a spreadsheet per month.

Why? Because it hurts.



Nah agony just builds up over the years. There is no getting rid of it. You need to accept it and live with it.

Easier said than done, I know

Time helps though. When you realize it won't get better and that your time is running out, and that you will never get what you want, then there is a chance to learn to enjoy small things. Selfless gestures. Honest sentences. Low expectations. That is how moments of true intimacy can be achieved.

I've been in luv twice in my life.
Once romantically.
Once platonically.
I will never do that agian.

Luv is for young people.

"Luv" is a state of mind and the result of the evolutionary process.
While evolution is "blind", there is a method to its madness.
Ultimately, overwhelmingly, this manipulative biological device has the blind intention of procreation.

Luv also ties in to a sense of meaning.
Having a feeling of purpose is one of the most powerful drivers in humanity's arsenal of bio-psychological bag of tricks.
People will even kill for it.
People will even die for it.

Recommendation: Avoid at all cost.