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QFT
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20 Jul 2021, 4:18 pm

So there was that girl recently on whom I hanged up because my mom was in the same room and I keep from my mom I am using dating sites. I sent her a text explaining this. She said it was odd, but we still got to talk on the phone when I called her again, then she cut the conversation short in like 20 minutes because "she had to lay down", and then I haven't heard from her. Then I started sending her text after text asking how did I turn her off. During one of the texts I asked her whether she thought htere was another girl when I hanged up on her. She said yes. Then I started explaining over and over how it REALLY was my mom and then after a week of frustration of sending texts without replies I FINALLY got her to give me another chance.

Now, from what I know now, the whole issue was that she thought that there was another girl. But she didn't say it, until I brought up the subject. So this makes me wonder: could it be that a whole bunch of other rejections were ALSO caused by a suspicion of another girl being somewhere in a background, and women were just too polite to say it?

Lets take the following statement that I was puzzled about (NOT from this girl -- from other girls in the past): "you can't be happy with someone unless you are happy with yourself first". It never made sense to me. I mean it is a lot easier to be happy in a relationship than to be happy as single. So how can I be asked to do something hard first before doing something easy? But now if I insert the "cheating" into the blank spaces, then it would make a lot more sense. What if "not being happy with someone" really means "likely to cheat on someone"? Then YES, it makes PERFECT sense. I am a lot more likely to cheat if I am unhappy with myself rather than if I am happy (if one doesn't know where to look for happiness, one might look at the cheating as one of the sources). But you see, I never guessed that this was the issue because the word "cheating" wasn't mentioned in that sentence. The ONLY thing that sentence said was that I would "not be happy with someone". So I took "not being happy" by its literal meaning, as in "being sad". But actually they didn't care about my sadness, they cared about whether I would cheat or not. But they were too polite to use the word cheat, so they used the word "not being happy" which everyone BUT ME understands.

Now that I am thinking along those lines, lets go to some of the other confusing things that girls said. One thing they mentioned is that I won't be able to love them. And I was like why do you think I can't love? I am not a robot. But if I "think dirty", then it makes a lot more sense. Namely,

a) What if they expected me to talk dirty to them and I didn't, so they meant I didn't love them in this sense but were too polite to say it?

b) Or the opposite: what if they suspected I am just after sex but again are too polite to say it?

Now, in my case I don't ever think in "sex" terms because I don't believe in sex before marriage, but they might.

I guess option "b" is a lot more likely than option "a" with MOST girls. But then there were a FEW girls who liked me at first and then went cold. Could "a" be applicable to THEM?

And could this also apply to other aspects of my behavior girls are unforgiving about? Like in case of the hanging up example. No, she wasn't thinking that "hanging up is rude". Rather she thought "there must be another girl". So could it be that when I am socially awkward in OTHER ways women also interpret it in a "dirty" ways that would never even occur to me? Like lets say I am late for a date. I am worried they would think that being late is rude. But actually they might be thinking I am late because of another girl. And what if I come on time and, instead, act in a socially awkward way. Does socially awkward behavior also implies something about another girl that never occurred to me?

The bigger question I wanted to ask is this. When I am puzzled about my lack of success in love, I am thinking of it in terms of social interaction problems, and then I am puzzled. But could it be about something else entirely that others are simply too polite to say? And the reason I am puzzled is NOT because I am bad at social interactions as such but rather because I have no idea that certain phrases or behaviors have to do with cheating or sex. In particular, I am unaware that when I hear a certain phrase from a girl that I am puzzled about, she alludes to cheating/sex. And similarly I am unaware that a certain behavior on my part would create suspiciouns of cheating/sex on her part. I am just way too naive in that department. So if I am thinking "social interactions" and they are thinking "cheating and sex", then we are simply not on the same page, so thats why we don't understand each other?

And this reminds me of something else. I remember over a decade ago one of my mom's friends was trying to persuade me to start having sex, so she told me that people don't become adults until they have sex (and no, this method of persuasion didn't work: I still haven't had sex to this day). And, conversely, when people talk about little kids getting molested, they talk about their "childhood being stolen". So the fact that having sex is being synonimous with adulthood and not having sex being synonymous with childhood. That, too, puzzles me. Because you see, what I would normally mean by maturity are things like decision making and the way the person interacts in regular, non-sexual setting. So why would sex have anything to do with it? Or maybe again it is the same kind of phenomenon. The seeminly-non-sexual interactions actually have sexual undertones that someone like myself is too naive to see. If the whole entirety of social interactions (even the ones at the workplace) are equal sex, then yeah I do have a problem with social interactions, after all. It just means something totally different from what I thought it means. The only problem is how can POSSIBLY things like workplace interactions (where maturity is largely defined) have anything to do with sex? But then again, being as naive as I am, how can I trust my judgement, so maybe they do?

And here is one recent example. So a girl described in this post viewtopic.php?t=397902 rejected me because I thought a certain other girl three years ago looked like a boy. I never understood for the life of me why would she take something silly so seriously? I can't control how I perceive someone, she doesn't even know that other girl, and its been three years?! Well, if everything in life is all about sex, then it makes perfect sense why she took it that seriously, doesn't it. So is THIS why my mom's friend 10 years ago said that until I have sex I will always be like a child? Cause I will not be on the same page with others, as this example illustrates.



that1weirdgrrrl
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20 Jul 2021, 7:00 pm

Things that tend to push people away:

Obsessively texting/calling/pestering them
"Calling out" their undesirable behavior
"Testing" them
Insulting them
Ignoring them

Try to calm down and be friendly.

Send one text asking how their day was.
If they dont reply, go engage in a hobby or study.

If they text or call you, reply in a friendly manner.

Women are wary of strange men as a general rule, even if they do want to date. If you start acting aggressively, they will almost certainly distance themselves from you.


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QFT
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20 Jul 2021, 7:42 pm

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Women are wary of strange men as a general rule, even if they do want to date. If you start acting aggressively, they will almost certainly distance themselves from you.


If I take 99% of women, what you just said is right. But if you take the one woman I had in mind when I wrote it, it was the opposite.

When I did something with her thats "not aggressive" (whether it is hanging up the phone because of my mom or forgetting to call her because I am looking for a housing) then she decides I am cheating on her. But then, when I was aggressive for four days in a row sending text after text, then she decided to give me another chance. So what would have happened if I wasn't aggressive? She would have still been thinking there was another girl when there wasn't one. I mean, its been over a week between her stopping talking to me and me becomming aggressive about it. So during that week when she wasn't talking, when I wasn't aggressive "yet", she was clearly not talking due to "other assumptions" she made. And that is precisely what I am trying to prevent by being aggressive.

Now, I realize that being aggressive only makes things worse. But then its a no-win situation. If I am aggressive I push them away by being aggressive. If I am not aggressive, then they walk away due to some assumptions they are making that are totally not true (such as me being with another girl or whatever). So its a no-win situation.

By the way, when it comes to "making weird assumptions about me" this girl is not an exception. I have a long list of other girls that also made weird assumptions. The only way in which this girl is an exception is that my aggressive behavior actually helped. So, with her this aggressive behavior helps, with everyone else it makes it worse. But fact remains: everyone make wrong assumption about me. And each time the "wrong assumption" happens to be totally different; each time it is a total surprise. So do you see why I feel so frustrated?



GGPViper
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21 Jul 2021, 1:51 am

QFT wrote:
Now, from what I know now, the whole issue was that she thought that there was another girl. But she didn't say it, until I brought up the subject.

It is also possible that she only said this to get you to stop constantly texting her with more questions.



QFT
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21 Jul 2021, 11:02 am

QFT wrote:
that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
Women are wary of strange men as a general rule, even if they do want to date. If you start acting aggressively, they will almost certainly distance themselves from you.


If I take 99% of women, what you just said is right. But if you take the one woman I had in mind when I wrote it, it was the opposite.

When I did something with her thats "not aggressive" (whether it is hanging up the phone because of my mom or forgetting to call her because I am looking for a housing) then she decides I am cheating on her. But then, when I was aggressive for four days in a row sending text after text, then she decided to give me another chance. So what would have happened if I wasn't aggressive? She would have still been thinking there was another girl when there wasn't one. I mean, its been over a week between her stopping talking to me and me becomming aggressive about it. So during that week when she wasn't talking, when I wasn't aggressive "yet", she was clearly not talking due to "other assumptions" she made. And that is precisely what I am trying to prevent by being aggressive.

Now, I realize that being aggressive only makes things worse. But then its a no-win situation. If I am aggressive I push them away by being aggressive. If I am not aggressive, then they walk away due to some assumptions they are making that are totally not true (such as me being with another girl or whatever). So its a no-win situation.

By the way, when it comes to "making weird assumptions about me" this girl is not an exception. I have a long list of other girls that also made weird assumptions. The only way in which this girl is an exception is that my aggressive behavior actually helped. So, with her this aggressive behavior helps, with everyone else it makes it worse. But fact remains: everyone make wrong assumption about me. And each time the "wrong assumption" happens to be totally different; each time it is a total surprise. So do you see why I feel so frustrated?


Update: yesterday night I sent her a rant explaining how sometimes I don't call at the time we agreed upon because I am behind on other things that take priority and it has nothing to do with my any other girl (which I don't have). Her response was that she has no problem with the fact that I didn't call, in fact she feels like our talking every day is a bit much. Her issue is that I constantly assume she is mad at me.

Okay in this case it is pretty interesting. In particular,

a) If she feels like we talk too much, how come when we do talk, she talks for like two hours. I thought she was the one keeping me on the phone longer than I wished, and now she says we talk too much?

b) If she has a problem with my always assuming she is mad, then what about two weeks ago when she DID in fact decide I have another girl until I corrected her?



kraftiekortie
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21 Jul 2021, 2:04 pm

You're overdoing it, my friend.

I used to be very similar---it got me nowhere.



hurtloam
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22 Jul 2021, 3:38 pm

She means you're contacting her too much.



QFT
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22 Jul 2021, 3:49 pm

hurtloam wrote:
She means you're contacting her too much.


Can you elaborate what you just said?

It seems like what you just said is that

a) The amount of talking is okay with her
b) The fact that I am contacting her is not

Does it imply that

c) She wants herself to be the one contacting me

But then the problem is that she didn't contact me.

I guess she did, but that was two weeks prior to this whole thing.

So are you saying that the issue is that I didn't respond to her two weeks prior, and so she lost interest, and my doing it now was "too much" since she wasn't interested any more? Kind of like if I starve someone to death and then given them food then this food would be "too much" since dead people don't eat, yet it is still true that back when it mattered I gave them "too little"? Is that what you are saying?

But then the other question is why is it that she talked for 2 hours two weeks AFTER this whole thing happened, which made me thought she came back, only to hear from her we talk too much two days later?!



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22 Jul 2021, 4:31 pm

I feel like you are adding up all of your short daily contacts and comparing that with her 2 hour one off conversation and viewing them as equal. They are not. It may add up to the same amount of time, but it is different.

She's got things going on everyday that take up her mind and energy and you keep chipping in and interrupting. It's a bit much. A preset time to have a conversation when she has time for it and is mentally prepared seems to be more enjoyable for her.