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Willow659
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21 Jul 2021, 9:22 am

How do you not just get so big inside and say or do whatever it is when things get big and upsetting and not only think first but somehow “think it all through” first and also not shut down? Experiences? Coping skills? Suggestions? I was told I was reactive and that my “mouth and body” were going faster than my brain. These things were said to be derogatory or not nice like it’s a shortcoming of mine.



Mona Pereth
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21 Jul 2021, 12:11 pm

This is tough. Problem is, when we get too upset, we just can't think. This is true for just about everyone.

It seems to me that the only workable solution is to develop and memorize, in advance, a set of scripts for excusing oneself temporarily from upsetting situations until one can calm down. When one is upset, it is much easier to act on a well-memorized script than to think creatively in the moment.

Does anyone else have other ideas?


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Edna3362
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21 Jul 2021, 6:14 pm

Other than finding out why -- distracted, overwhelmed, simply feeling intense, internal changes/adjustment, other underlying issues, etc., possibly resolve it, if not and skip that, figuring how to 'slow down' and breathe while not to be 'swept by the waves'...

I'm not sure.

Especially not sure if 'slowing down' in real time is even a viable option...
Except to catch people off guard, shift tones or the air, or possibly ruin any interactions and take what you receive.


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IsabellaLinton
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21 Jul 2021, 6:25 pm

I can relate to what you describe, Willow. In my case I was diagnosed with ADHD and I started ADHD meds. To be honest they seemed to over-amp me for the first few months, and I was worse. I was very reactive last year and had a lot of problems adjusting to my new body chemistry, but I didn't realise that was the issue. Now that my meds are stable I feel so much better.

I know you might not be ADHD and I'm certainly not pushing meds on you or anyone, but that's been my experience. I also did a lot of work with an Occupational Therapist about calming my nervous system and becoming less reactive. It helped to balance my limbic system and keep me out of fight/flight mode. My psychologist also recommended that I journal my feelings every day instead of letting them build up. I started a Google Doc that I could access from anywhere (phone, home, etc) and wrote my rants as they occurred. Sometimes just one word, sometimes a few observations, sometimes a long exposition. It was interesting to have it all recorded, so I could go back and reread weeks or months to look for patterns. I find that it purged a lot of my angst / reactivity.

Other resources might include a "Feelings Wheel" (google) if you experience Alexithymia, and have trouble deconstructing your feelings to find a root cause. I noticed there are entire sides of the wheel that I couldn't tolerate emotionally. This awareness helped me break down those walls and feel in control, so I wouldn't be overwhelmed if the feelings occurred.



chaosmos
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21 Jul 2021, 7:58 pm

Willow659 wrote:
How do you not just get so big inside and say or do whatever it is when things get big and upsetting and not only think first but somehow “think it all through” first and also not shut down? Experiences? Coping skills? Suggestions? I was told I was reactive and that my “mouth and body” were going faster than my brain. These things were said to be derogatory or not nice like it’s a shortcoming of mine.


I think I have lots of thoughts about this topic and totally relate.
My reactivity has destroyed many a relationship and can still be a problem in my now long term relationship: eg saying something before I speak or letting my emotions blow out before I can participate in conversation. But, a few things have helped reduce this over the years:

1. On-going therapy where I can 'be how and who I am' without judgement; a blowing off steam scenario with a therapist I trust has been really helpful at reducing my reactivity. She has also helped give me strategies to cope with big emotions and recognising them.

2. Yoga helped to calm my nervous system and I have been practicing for 8 years. It's sometimes annoying because I can't not do it to be a stable human! I have noticed a definite decrease in my hyper-arousal and therefore my reactivity.

3. Acupuncture works wonders on bringing the nervous system down and fostering internal awareness. It has helped me not only with lots of body ailments but has helped me to attune to my body and therefore be more aware of my emotions in hard times.

I hope this helps :)