I dont like taking my medication

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Yes they do.

You are the one waffling on about money and pharma companies. Why, I have no idea. I'm in the UK where money doesn't come into it, and yet my cousin keeps battling with the same cyclical patterns of behaviour.

What I'm talking about there, is mental health conditions such as bipolar and schizophrenia tricking people into bouts of dangerous, over self-confidence. That often starts with "you don't need the meds, look how they dull your natural sparkle". And then everything escalates from there.

A bit like hypothermia tricking you into thinking you're too hot when actually you're freezing to death. Hypothermia victims are often found partially undressed. The mind plays tricks, we all know this. Hence Descartes' famous "I think therefore I am" statement - that's the only truth that's 100% reliable. If you're thinking, then in some capacity you must exist. Everything else is potentially false.

Doctors (and particularly specialists) are normally better at diagnosing patients with mental health issues than the patients are themselves. No surprises there. Firstly because that's what they've been trained for - it's literally their job - and secondly because those having issues may not have the background knowledge or clarity of thought to be able to understand their own problems clearly enough. Being able to step back from our own thoughts and analyse them isn't easy, even when we're thinking clearly. Let alone if certain parts of our own personality are actually doing their best to trip us up.

If you've had mixed advice from different specialists, that says to me your case is borderline. It doesn't necessarily mean ThErE's A cOnSpIrAcY and one bunch of Doctors are deliberately lying. Nonetheless you seem to have an agenda here and as a consequence you're giving potentially harmful advice. Have you ever tried any of the medications you were advised to take, long term? And if so, did you notice any improvement in your mood, stability, clarity of thought etc. over that time period? If not, were any attempts made to change the medication to something more suitable?

Because if you haven't been down this route then by definition you don't fully understand the ins and outs of it. And that's only for YOUR UNIQUE SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES, too. It may be that not taking the meds was appropriate for you, or it might not. If you've never tried them anyway, it's hard to tell. But regardless, what suits you doesn't necessarily suit everyone else, does it?

I heavily agree with this. I'm surprised this conversation has even been allowed to go on this long, it's incredibly harmful to tell someone you don't even personally know that their medication is "dulling" them, and that they should just stop taking it and any medication like it. I really hope OP doesn't take this seriously and do that, as this should really be a conversation between her and her doctor/whoever prescribed it, for her own wellbeing and safety.

This "paranoia" feels like fear of people and feeling like everybody hates me. Some days I feel like there are these people who watch me and I can't see them but they can see me. I feel like I can feel what they think about me and I feel trapped. Then I feel like other people start staring at me because they know what's happening. Other days I feel like people know what Im thinking and that they are reacting to it. Recently I had feelings that my dreams were being erased from my memory because I was dreaming stuff that Im not supposed to dream about. I feel like I can't talk to people about it because they get too concerned.

That sucks that you were mismedicated for that. I feel like psychiatrists misinterpret things a lot, especially with me because I have communication issues and I can't always communicate how I feel and I mistake my emotions. I can't always recognize certain emotions that I feel. It causes a lot of frustration with people who help me in my life.

Im a bit scared of lithium to be honest. I have heard stuff about it. Im back on my medication today though. Im having a crash. I feel overwhelmed and sad. My parents were talking about the psych ward. So I decided to take my pill today.

Did I? Give me a quote where exactly I said it.

You are basically assuming I said it because other people who hold my views have said it. Try reading what I actually wrote instead of just assuming I am rehashing the same thing verbatim.

Now, here is what I did say. It is natural for people to label as crazy something they don't understand. They don't have to be affiliated with big farma or with any conspiracy in order to do it. Its just natural. Think of how many NT-s ostracize aspies. Do they get paid by big farma or any other company to ostracize them? Nope. They ostracize them because thats their true opinion. And, as a fellow aspie, you agree with me that their opinion is wrong.

Well, if you follow me so far, what would happen if one of those people had a power to make the aspie in question take drugs. Would they utilize their power to enforce their negative opinion of an aspie? You bet. Now, if their opinion of an aspie is unfair to begin with, would their ability to prescribe drugs make the problem worse? Yup.

Okay, and finally: what if instead of misunderstanding an aspie, they misunderstand someone else who is different. How is it any better?

To me, mental illness like depression doesn't feel like "myself". When I was religious, I suspected evil spirits - and I still think spirits are not that bad psychoanalytical model. The concept of good and evil spirits have helped people navigate mental problems for centuries, probably because it could be useful enough.
Sleep deprivation also isn't a part of my identity even if I struggled with it as long as my memory reaches.

Why? I discussed it with my doc (MD in psychiatrics, the one who helped me get out of the misdiagnosis and become functional again), asking for possible alternatives and he said, everything similarily efficant is at least similarily problematic.
Quetiapine, unlike benzos, doesn't build immunity, so with lifelong insomnia, it turned out the better choice.

That does sound like paranoia I mean your anxiety crosses the limits of regular reality.
I understand difficulty talking about it - already with communication issues, describing things people never experienced is super hard, and they react weirdly, totally lost about what to do.

Tell me, were you raised with censoring emotions? Like, believing that being angry at your mother was morally wrong, stuff like that?

I know it. A lot of my therapy was about learning to recognize and name my emotions.
Again - were you raised in a culture of censoring emotions?

That's okay.
When a chance comes, try to discuss with your doc possibility of other meds with similar effect. Maybe you find some better fit.

All of the above is about money and scams and Doctors potentially tricking you.

Which has precisely NO relevance to what I posted.

It's just you rushing to assumptions and leaping back on a well-worn hobbyhorse.

Now saying "I didn't do that at all!" is laughable. Yes you did. It's right here.

Yeah. Its hard to deal with because I have been told Im "crazy" by people. Im not great at explaining it and then people tell me its not true. Then people feel worried because I talk about it too much.

I honestly do not remember if I had to censor my emotions. I know that I feel them intensely though and that they cause me to act out. Then I can't tell people why I feel the way I do. I used to have a lot of meltdowns as a child. I still do but they are less intense.

Im on Abilify currently. I think I will ask my doctor to change it. My doctor sometimes doesn't believe what I say though because I have a hard time answering their questions.

I talked about scams in an entirely different context. You mentioned that some people say NOT TO take meds in order to trick you and get your money. So I said I am not one of them. I wasn't talking about people thinking you should take meds wanting your money. I was only defending people that say not to take them from this accusation.

The person that scammed me whom I described in the above quote was not a doctor. He was a pastor, and the scam involved buying a land for church/orphanage. So it had nothing to do with doctors. The only connection between that and this conversation is because you said that you knew someone who was scammed when they went off their meds. So I tried to talk about the ways to avoid scams that don't require meds.

Also I didn't say doctors prescribe meds to get money. I said that people in general -- doctors or not -- are prone to making negative judgement. If the person making negative judgement is a doctor, they will prescribe meds. If that person is an employer, he will refuse to hire you. If that person is your neighror, he will refuse to talk to you, etc. When your neighbor refuses to talk to you, he isn't trying to get money by not talking to you. He is just being judgemental. Similarly when the doctor prescribes meds he is being judgemental too. All I am saying is don't take judgemental people's opinion as truth.

Been there :/ Once you're shoved into the "crazy" bin, it's really hard to be heard by other people.
But then you're alone with your real suffering The delusions may be - well - delusional, fake, but the suffering is very real.

One of the things I learned during my psychology course was never to ask why someone feels something. Another thing was: emotions should never be judged, neither morally nor logically. Actions can be judged, not emotions.
Emotions are like bodily sensations: they happen and you feel them. Often the source can be seen (you kicked a locker and now your foot hurts) but when you're sick, you just feel pain and it's up to the doc to find out why.

I had lots and lots of meltdowns in my childhood and I could never tell why - so I was told I was "hysterical for no reason" and often got yelled at, which, obviously, made it a lot worse. So, I learned to supress my meltdowns, that was quite an (unhealthy) achievement, but the feeling that would trigger them was still there and I couldn't describe it even to mental health professionals: it was like being in a horrible pain but without the pain itself. And that was dismissed as "crazy"
Years later, I learned the word: sensory overload. It was real, it made sense, it wasn't craziness, just unusual sensitivity.

Anyway, you don't have to know why you feel things. Knowing what you feel is often enough.

Maybe write down your feelings about the meds before the meeting?