Two different kinds of difficult person

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browneyedgirlslowingdown
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

Joined: 2 May 2021
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 240

14 Aug 2021, 2:27 pm

diagnosedafter50 wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
They both seem unhealthy. I would suggest other connections if possible.

Yeah.
Person A is not a problem, she has fallen out with me, but at least she said why.
Person B is more of a problem because she is part of a group who I get on with, and to cut her out would mean losing the other members of the group.


Is it possible to stay in the group but not engage in one-to-one interactions with her outside of it, but engage in one-to-one interactions with other people you find more healthy in the group?

She is the sort of person who has to get in everywhere.
Some of us meet and we do our own thing on other days or after we meet, like, one is into theatre stuff, and she wormed her way in with him even though he didn't want her to.
I go to an arts centre, anyone can go, I'd rather go alone, but she asks to come with me.
She has a crush on another member and told some of us in confidence that they were an item. She walks with him to the bus.
I trust him, she has it in for me because he has told me stuff he hasn't ever told anyone, not even his best mate.
She thinks I am coming on to him.
Today, I had a one to one with him, he can't stick her in reality. We felt like two sly school kids going somewhere else and hiding from the rest of them. We just couldn't face her today.


I would say very clearly when you want to do something alone, that you would prefer to be alone and let it go. If she throws a fit, that's not your problem. It sounds like a boundary issue to be honest. If no one is telling her no, and she has no boundaries and no one is making them by saying no, I don't know what to say.

Also, maybe you should not be discussing your relationships with others in the group with her, that also seems like a boundary issue. When you are with someone stick with that as the conversation, not the group. Just my two cents. Feel free to toss it in the garbage bin.

Not putting this in the rubbish bin.
She has no boundaries, she doesn't throw fits like the other more straightforward woman mentioned, her revenge is more slow and undetectable, except to the target.

My friend and I agree she is a narcissist.

These people don't do no.

It's hard to avoid gossip when someone pisses you off.
Two of us are affected by her and it feels nice to share with each other our experience, we don't feel so alone.

She seems to have other group members fooled.

My coach said she is targeting me as I am a threat to her.


I try not to take people's lack of boundaries personally. They will go after anyone they think has weak ones. I dunno. I would really just tell her no.

She sees me as a threat as I get on with the friend she has a crush on, him and me are not romantically involved we have just stuff in common.
He might be autistic and others just don't understand.
My coach said unlike the other lady who has gone off to do her own thing, this one is here to stay and her behaviour will get sillier and sillier.
My coach said that she will only get me down if I let her.


If you arent romantically interested in this guy what does it matter what she thinks of you? I guess I don't understand what the issue is. She can think whatever she wants. If she wants to go with you somewhere and you don't want her to, say no. If she tries to go with the guy and he doesn't want her to he can say no. Not saying no, talking about her, and going round in circles just seems unhealthy. I will leave it there, as I am not sure what else to say.

It matters what she thinks of me because that will determine how she treats me.
People who think badly of me treat me badly.
Going round in circles is what narcissists do, and they send us round in circles.
She is just hard work to deal with, at least the other lady says it straight, this one just is underhand and slimy.


You can't change what she thinks of you and she already seems to treat you badly. You can control whether or not she is with you when you don't want her to be by saying no, or some other means like not telling her what you are doing, leaving, etc.


_________________
Diagnosed ASD 5/17/21
AQ 40/50
Your broader autism cluster (Aspie) score: 153 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 50 of 200
You are very likely on the broader autism cluster (Aspie)
Systemising Quotient (SQ) 78
Empathy Quotient (EQ) 41
CAT-Q 156 Compensation 56 Masking 48 Assimilation 52


diagnosedafter50
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 15 Dec 2020
Age: 55
Posts: 294
Location: United Kingdom

15 Aug 2021, 3:33 pm

browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
diagnosedafter50 wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
They both seem unhealthy. I would suggest other connections if possible.

Yeah.
Person A is not a problem, she has fallen out with me, but at least she said why.
Person B is more of a problem because she is part of a group who I get on with, and to cut her out would mean losing the other members of the group.


Is it possible to stay in the group but not engage in one-to-one interactions with her outside of it, but engage in one-to-one interactions with other people you find more healthy in the group?

She is the sort of person who has to get in everywhere.
Some of us meet and we do our own thing on other days or after we meet, like, one is into theatre stuff, and she wormed her way in with him even though he didn't want her to.
I go to an arts centre, anyone can go, I'd rather go alone, but she asks to come with me.
She has a crush on another member and told some of us in confidence that they were an item. She walks with him to the bus.
I trust him, she has it in for me because he has told me stuff he hasn't ever told anyone, not even his best mate.
She thinks I am coming on to him.
Today, I had a one to one with him, he can't stick her in reality. We felt like two sly school kids going somewhere else and hiding from the rest of them. We just couldn't face her today.


I would say very clearly when you want to do something alone, that you would prefer to be alone and let it go. If she throws a fit, that's not your problem. It sounds like a boundary issue to be honest. If no one is telling her no, and she has no boundaries and no one is making them by saying no, I don't know what to say.

Also, maybe you should not be discussing your relationships with others in the group with her, that also seems like a boundary issue. When you are with someone stick with that as the conversation, not the group. Just my two cents. Feel free to toss it in the garbage bin.

Not putting this in the rubbish bin.
She has no boundaries, she doesn't throw fits like the other more straightforward woman mentioned, her revenge is more slow and undetectable, except to the target.

My friend and I agree she is a narcissist.

These people don't do no.

It's hard to avoid gossip when someone pisses you off.
Two of us are affected by her and it feels nice to share with each other our experience, we don't feel so alone.

She seems to have other group members fooled.

My coach said she is targeting me as I am a threat to her.


I try not to take people's lack of boundaries personally. They will go after anyone they think has weak ones. I dunno. I would really just tell her no.

She sees me as a threat as I get on with the friend she has a crush on, him and me are not romantically involved we have just stuff in common.
He might be autistic and others just don't understand.
My coach said unlike the other lady who has gone off to do her own thing, this one is here to stay and her behaviour will get sillier and sillier.
My coach said that she will only get me down if I let her.


If you arent romantically interested in this guy what does it matter what she thinks of you? I guess I don't understand what the issue is. She can think whatever she wants. If she wants to go with you somewhere and you don't want her to, say no. If she tries to go with the guy and he doesn't want her to he can say no. Not saying no, talking about her, and going round in circles just seems unhealthy. I will leave it there, as I am not sure what else to say.

It matters what she thinks of me because that will determine how she treats me.
People who think badly of me treat me badly.
Going round in circles is what narcissists do, and they send us round in circles.
She is just hard work to deal with, at least the other lady says it straight, this one just is underhand and slimy.


You can't change what she thinks of you and she already seems to treat you badly. You can control whether or not she is with you when you don't want her to be by saying no, or some other means like not telling her what you are doing, leaving, etc.

True I can, I just don't feel assertive.
Also when she is in the group I can't tell her to go. It'll sort itself out, I have bigger worries.