Are Christian girls more judgemental in non-religious topics

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QFT
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09 Aug 2021, 2:51 am

cyberdad wrote:
QFT wrote:
In my experience there are a lot more such couples. Among the faculty members of the Math depratment of the university I am currently at, there are TWO such married couples. Also at the math department of the other university there was one boyfriend-girlfriend couple among faculty members, they weren't married though. Similarly, there are also couples among singers too. For example Sergey and Tatyana Nikitin, Yusif Eyvazov and Anna Netrepko, and so forth.

Dating is one thing. Of course young men and women date when they spend lots of time together they hook up. But I'm talking marriage.


To me, dating and marriage are linked to one another. Its true that when I am on a dating stage, I don't yet "know" whether I will want to marry her, since I didn't spend long enough time to see how we get along long term. But, at the same time, the "possibility" of marriage should be there. Dating without possibility of marriage would logically imply the certainty of a breakup, since I want to marry somebody. And why would I ever want to sign up for guaranteed breakup and a heart ache that goes with it? Plus its a massive waste of time.

cyberdad wrote:
Ok nobody can stop you from falling in love with anyone, so you are in charge of your own life. I am however, curious, you said you only like nerdy smart girls. Are you sure this racist/narrow minded christian girl fits this description?


Well, the vast majority of our phone conversations were about the Bible. And she was into isoteric interpretations of the Bible. For example, she believes that Jesus IS the Messiah but NOT God, she believes in keeping Jewish law, she rejected Paul, while believed the rest of the New Testament (except for Paul), and she also believed in some non-canonical work, such as Book of Jubilees. I find isoteric things appealing (both in physics AND in religion) and I find such conversations quite nerdy. In particular I like when there is a mix between an isoteric belief AND keeping Jewish law. So like the idea that "Jesus is the Messiah but not God" sounds like JW (except that I know thats not who she is since she doesn't believe in watchtower) while the idea of keeping Jewish law is Messianic, so that thought of "mixture of JW and Messianic" feels rather fascinating.

I do have mixed feelings about it though. Because rejecting Paul sounds like blasphemy. Yet at the same time her "reasons" of doing so are quite appealing: in particular she rejects Paul solely because she is in favor of keeping Jewish law and Paul is opposed to it. Most Messianics (and yes Messianics keep Jewish law) accept Paul, they just re-interpret it. There are a very few ones that reject Paul, but they are very rare and far between. I saw their website many years ago, but never got to interact with any, except for reading their websites. So I was excited to finally be able to do so. But like I said though it feels a bit like blasphemy: its one thing to just read their websites or even attend their church meetings, and its another thing to actually base my marriage on this. But the good thing is that she is Messianic (even if she disagrees with most Messianics about Paul) which I weren't able to date in the past. So yeah its both good and bad. But nerdy for sure.

With race thing its similar. Its not like she just doesn't like black people. Rather she believes that Whites are the lost tribes of Israel, which is a rather isoteric belief to have. And like I said I find isoterics appealing. Plus a lot of people who believe this also believe in keeping Jewish laws too (which is logical: since they consider themselves Israelite (by virtue of belonging to one of the lost tribes), they should keep Jewish law as well) and as a Messianic I find the concept of Christians keeping Jewish law quite appealing, regardless of the context. But mixing the Torah-observance with some isoteric theory, thats like a perfect combination.

But at the same time, just like with rejection of Paul, I also find some problems with this too. In particular, if Europeans are lost tribes, then does it mean that the whole continent of Europe was empty before those tribes were lost? If not, then these lost tribes would have mixed with others in the continent, so they would only have like a small fraction of Israelite blood. This wouldn't be enough to count: if it were, God wouldn't be so big on forbidding intermarriage back in the Old Testament days. Yet at the same time, these lost tribes "better" be preserved. After all, the prophecy of 144000 lists every one of the 12 tribes, so they better be around to fulfill it. So I guess to me this is a big open question and I am willing to SPECULATE in different ways, including hers. But if to me it is a speculation while to her its a dogma, this seems like a bit of a difference right there.

But still, in many ways isoteric speculations that I don't necesserely agree with are more appealing than just "plain" type of Christian who simply doesn't care. Of course the danger is that they might border into blasphemy if they go too far. But still they have some appeal to them.



cyberdad
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09 Aug 2021, 4:29 am

I think its irrational to debate "theosophical" and esoteric beliefs, especially when they claim "we are the chosen ones" and others are not based on fantasies. I find her beliefs psychologically toxic. However there are lots of nutjobs all over the world who believe weird things so she's in good company.

We live in a world where people call other people weird and exotic yet believe in crap that actually a lot weirder.



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09 Aug 2021, 2:39 pm

cyberdad wrote:
I think its irrational to debate "theosophical" and esoteric beliefs,


I am not sure I know the full meaning of the word "theosophical". I only ran into it in the context of "theosophical society", which is new age. In this case this wouldn't fit the beliefs I am talking about because they are definitely not new age. But I understand that in both cases there is that sense of something esoteric. So if by "theosophical" you mean anything isoteric then I can understand how you would apply that word here.

cyberdad wrote:
We live in a world where people call other people weird and exotic yet believe in crap that actually a lot weirder.


I agree with you. For example, the stuff about 6 day creation, tower of babel, or Jonah being swallowed by a fish, is a lot more problematic than the problems I listed in connection to "lost tribes".

And speaking of hate, the same thing. A lot of "lost tribes" people don't believe in eternal hell. So I would say that mainstream Christians that reject racism yet embrace hell are a lot more "hateful" than the lost tribe folks that embrace racism and reject hell.

I would say a lot of it is a question of numbers. So sometimes it feels nice to "take a break" from the problematic stuff "everyone" believes by switching to a problematic stuff "just a small handful of people" believes. But then after hanging with that "small handful of people" long enough one gets tired and wants to go back to "everybody". In both cases I am getting tired of one group and switching to the other. Its just that my thinking process is a bit different. If I switch from large group to small group, I say "its me" (as in, "I am the one being attracted to isoteric stuff") and if I switch from small group to large group, I say "its them" (as in, "its them who are being weird"). But the underlying thing in both cases is that I like variety, and if I am stuck with something weird I want to switch to something else weird in some other way.

And this goes back to the question of dating someone like that. As I mentioned earlier, I don't like the idea of "dating to break up", which logically means that at least possibility of marriage is in my mind. Now, its one thing to "explore" something weird knowing that I can "go back when I get tired" and its another thing to "commit myself to it" by marrying someone like that. This is probably why I enjoyed reading those kinds of websites, yet didn't enjoy nearly as much hearing the woman I am dating say those things. But then again it goes both ways: committing myself to the stuff majority go with don't feel good either. So I guess I would personally be the most comfortable marrying a "mainstream messianic": that would neither be "mainstream Christian" nor a "messianic cult", but something in-between. The only thing is that, given my Asperger, I don't have that much of a choice. So I am forced to settle to the situations other than this, unless I get lucky.



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11 Aug 2021, 6:34 am

QFT wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
QFT wrote:
In my experience there are a lot more such couples. Among the faculty members of the Math depratment of the university I am currently at, there are TWO such married couples. Also at the math department of the other university there was one boyfriend-girlfriend couple among faculty members, they weren't married though. Similarly, there are also couples among singers too. For example Sergey and Tatyana Nikitin, Yusif Eyvazov and Anna Netrepko, and so forth.

Dating is one thing. Of course young men and women date when they spend lots of time together they hook up. But I'm talking marriage.


To me, dating and marriage are linked to one another. Its true that when I am on a dating stage, I don't yet "know" whether I will want to marry her, since I didn't spend long enough time to see how we get along long term. But, at the same time, the "possibility" of marriage should be there. Dating without possibility of marriage would logically imply the certainty of a breakup, since I want to marry somebody. And why would I ever want to sign up for guaranteed breakup and a heart ache that goes with it? Plus its a massive waste of time.

cyberdad wrote:
Ok nobody can stop you from falling in love with anyone, so you are in charge of your own life. I am however, curious, you said you only like nerdy smart girls. Are you sure this racist/narrow minded christian girl fits this description?


Well, the vast majority of our phone conversations were about the Bible. And she was into isoteric interpretations of the Bible. For example, she believes that Jesus IS the Messiah but NOT God, she believes in keeping Jewish law, she rejected Paul, while believed the rest of the New Testament (except for Paul), and she also believed in some non-canonical work, such as Book of Jubilees. I find isoteric things appealing (both in physics AND in religion) and I find such conversations quite nerdy. In particular I like when there is a mix between an isoteric belief AND keeping Jewish law. So like the idea that "Jesus is the Messiah but not God" sounds like JW (except that I know thats not who she is since she doesn't believe in watchtower) while the idea of keeping Jewish law is Messianic, so that thought of "mixture of JW and Messianic" feels rather fascinating.

I do have mixed feelings about it though. Because rejecting Paul sounds like blasphemy. Yet at the same time her "reasons" of doing so are quite appealing: in particular she rejects Paul solely because she is in favor of keeping Jewish law and Paul is opposed to it. Most Messianics (and yes Messianics keep Jewish law) accept Paul, they just re-interpret it. There are a very few ones that reject Paul, but they are very rare and far between. I saw their website many years ago, but never got to interact with any, except for reading their websites. So I was excited to finally be able to do so. But like I said though it feels a bit like blasphemy: its one thing to just read their websites or even attend their church meetings, and its another thing to actually base my marriage on this. But the good thing is that she is Messianic (even if she disagrees with most Messianics about Paul) which I weren't able to date in the past. So yeah its both good and bad. But nerdy for sure.

With race thing its similar. Its not like she just doesn't like black people. Rather she believes that Whites are the lost tribes of Israel, which is a rather isoteric belief to have. And like I said I find isoterics appealing. Plus a lot of people who believe this also believe in keeping Jewish laws too (which is logical: since they consider themselves Israelite (by virtue of belonging to one of the lost tribes), they should keep Jewish law as well) and as a Messianic I find the concept of Christians keeping Jewish law quite appealing, regardless of the context. But mixing the Torah-observance with some isoteric theory, thats like a perfect combination.

But at the same time, just like with rejection of Paul, I also find some problems with this too. In particular, if Europeans are lost tribes, then does it mean that the whole continent of Europe was empty before those tribes were lost? If not, then these lost tribes would have mixed with others in the continent, so they would only have like a small fraction of Israelite blood. This wouldn't be enough to count: if it were, God wouldn't be so big on forbidding intermarriage back in the Old Testament days. Yet at the same time, these lost tribes "better" be preserved. After all, the prophecy of 144000 lists every one of the 12 tribes, so they better be around to fulfill it. So I guess to me this is a big open question and I am willing to SPECULATE in different ways, including hers. But if to me it is a speculation while to her its a dogma, this seems like a bit of a difference right there.

But still, in many ways isoteric speculations that I don't necesserely agree with are more appealing than just "plain" type of Christian who simply doesn't care. Of course the danger is that they might border into blasphemy if they go too far. But still they have some appeal to them.
"Dating without possibility of marriage would logically imply the certainty of a breakup, since I want to marry somebody". - not necessarily exclusive, this is a fallacious linking of cause-effect, if it's not also a generalization. There are people who didnt marry and have long term relationships, thats possible. And gays mostly dont get married. You cant make a person marry you if they see no benefit in it but they might still want to spend their life with you. These aren't mutually exclusive to exist in people. Or for example if they dont wanna get through a divorce or legal things that are necessary and take years to drag around if theyll be broken up with. In fact, marriage has a high divorce rate on statistics, and it sadly doesnt guarantee life with a person, especially for religious folks. Many reasons behind marriages don't even reflect the willingness to make a life together, might be often peer pressure or other reasons.


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11 Aug 2021, 7:01 am

cyberdad wrote:
QFT wrote:
I date girls all across the political spectrum. Case in point:
a) A democrat with Ph.D. is better than a republican with BA
b) A republican with Ph.D. is better than a democrat with BA.


WTH QFT! who judges a girl based on whether they have a PhD or A BA?? honestly you are the first male who prefers to date a woman based on her qualifications?? and BTW arts girls are much prettier than science girls (based on probabilities)

QFT wrote:
So that goes to show that republican vs democrat isn't as important as some other things. Same goes for views on races.
.


Ummm no not really. A girl who thinks black people are cursed and that god declared races shouldn't mix is a nutjob. Where do you find these women??

Perhaps the statistics show that having a Ph.D actually increases chances of being a great wife fr lifetime, I havent checked. Hehe. Would you think that racist bias adds up to that?


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11 Aug 2021, 7:51 am

QFT wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
QFT wrote:
[
I mean if they are so easy going when it comes to everything else yet are such a snowflakes when it comes to skype, there is got to be a reason for it. And if it is only devote Christian on whom I saw this contrast, that made me whonder whether it has to do with their Christianity.


What exactly is it they get picky over on skype? give me an example? why are they "snowflakes" when it comes to skype?


So I had two skype accounts and I told her the TRUE reason why. In particular I didn't want my mom to know that she exists so I wanted to skype with her from an account other than the one my mom knows about. Now, the skype account my mom knows about is hooked up to hotmail, so any time I log into hotmail it pops up even if I am not using it. But I didn't know that is how it worked (I only figured it out TOGETHER with her after an hour of us arguing about it). So when she said that the other account pops up I didn't know why. But the other thing is that when she said it the first time she pretended as if it is leisurly curiocity. So I was in the middle of a monologue about religion, and she interrupted my monologue to make that "light" remark about the other skype account. So my interpretation of it was that she was probably bored with my monologue and got disracted (which is really not unusual at all) but I felt a need to finish it anyway. So when she said "oh isn't it interesting your other account pops up" I said "oh yeah thats interesting" and then went right back to my monologue. But then she started to continue to bring it up in more and more angry way. So once she did make an angry tone then there was no way for me to miss that. But I still didn't know it had anything to do with cheating. Rather it sounded like she was angry over nothing. So I blew up at her and then she hanged up. Then I started calling her over and over and she said "I am done talking, you got what you wanted". Then I persisted and then she finally got back on, and THAT was when we figured out together that my hotmail hooked to the skype account. But it was like a two hour process of figuring it out. And to make it worse wifi stopped working so I had to get to paid station, and there I could only chat with her but I couldn't actually skype. Yet she "told me" that I was on a laptop since she saw my skype account popping up again. And I was telling her I have no idea why my skype account pops up (remember I haven't figured out that it is hooked to hotmail yet) but I know FOR A FACT that I am on paid computer and not on a laptop because I see what is in front of me and I am not blind nor hallucinating. But for some reason she didn't seem to get it. She still thought I was on a laptop. Now, remember she haven't told me that she suspected me of cheating yet. So I had no idea thats what it was about. I literally thought that she was thinking I was hallucinating, and I had no idea how could she possibly think that. Then after we had this really frustrating argument for an hour, we FINALLY figured out that my email was hooked to skype account and it pops up every time I check my email.

Then the other thing with skype was when it was not working very well due to the bad connection. Actually part of the reason I had bad connection is because I wasn't very careful with my laptop so its internet cord got damaged. But it didn't get damaged too much, just a little bit. So I could still get into the internet from my laptop, it just wasn't working too well sometimes. And by "sometimes" I mean that maybe 80% of my conversation with her were okay and 20% there were some connection inconveniences. During the vast majority of those 20% she acted very easy going about it. But then one day she decided to make a big deal about it. And, as it happened, that one day had nothing to do with my laptop. Instead, it had to do with wifi being turned off in the house I was at. So its like the one and only time when it was TRULY out of my control yet that is when she decides to get mad at me. I guess one thing that happened at that time that didn't happen at the other times is this. Normally when she sends me a skype messages she sees those gray circles in her screen, and those gray circles go away when I read them. So when there is a connection problem and I don't get to read those messages, then the gray circles on her screen stay. But what happened this time is that the gray circles on her screen went away, while at the same time I didn't see her messages. So she didn't believe me that I didn't see them. Yet I know for a fact I didn't see them. Now, if you ask me how is it possible that she saw the circles go away yet I didn't see her messages, I can speculate. Maybe the connection was strong enough for one and not strong enough for the other. If the common knowledge says its impossible, I have no idea how that happened. But what I do know is that I didn't see the messages on my screen, she saw the circles on her screen go away, so somehow such glitch did happen. How, I have no idea. But I am not going to accuse her of lying, nor am I going to accuse myself of hallucinating. I trust both what I say and what she says. I didn't get how she couldn't understand this simple concept. But again I had no idea it had anything to do with another girl since she didn't tell me till later.

Both of the skype examples are with the 2012--2014 girl. On the other hand, what happened with a girl a month ago is that she wanted to exchange phone numbers with me and I told her I didn't want to talk on the phone because I live with my mom during the pandemic, and I keep from her that I use dating sites. Then I noticed that she started talking to me less and less. I later asked her why is that. She told me two things: one is that my photo doesn't look white (actually I am white so I don't know what it is about the photo that made her think that) and the other is that mom thing made her think I am "hiding something". "Hiding something" is her words, so I wasn't sure whether she meant "hiding something from my mom" (as in I am a bad person) or "hiding something from her" (as in, its not really my mom but rather another girl). From what I learend a couple of weeks later, it was the latter. But I assumed it was the former. So I explained myself how I am "not watching porn nor doing anything else my mom wouldn't like; its just that my mom is overprotective". Also, I told her over and over, that I know for a fact I am white so it was a photo illumination that was off. She didn't believe me and still said she needed to see my other photos. So I referred her to an hour-long video of my physics lecture. After she seen that video she believed me that I am white. So after I convinced her I am white, she was willing to give me another chance. Now when she called me first time, I happened to have been doing other thing so I didn't pick it up. She left me a message though, but I was enjoying a sight of a community college campus I used to go to in the good old days so I didn't really want to disract myself with the phone calls; but getting a message from her DID feel like "icing on a cake" so to speak. I was certainly happy to get that message! And then she called me the next day, and it happened that when she called me I was in the same room as my mom. So I hanged up on her since I hide from my mom that I am using dating sites. Then few minutes later I sent her a text saying I only hanged up because of my mom. She responsed by saying "isn't it a bit strange". I then explained that it was my mom treating me like a little kid so thats why I react accordingly. I then called her and we talked for like 15 minutes or so. It sounded like an easy going conversation, so I thought everything was fine. We mostly talked about religion, and she asked me what I thought of homeschooling (which I assumed to be a good sign: why would she discuss it unless she views me as a potential partner). But then she had to go. When she said it I asked her if I turned her off. She said I didn't, we just talked long enough. Interestingly enough she didn't say that she had to do this that and htat other thing like most people would have. Instead she was like "I am not sure what I am going to do, maybe lay down or maybe watch TV". This sounds strange that she didn't even attempt to make an excuse. Yet at the same time she sounded really easy going so it didn't seem like she stopped talking either. But then I didn't hear from her for few days. So then I called her and she was like "oh no I was just busy with my family". And then I pressed on further saying that its hard to believe because if she really wanted to talk she would find a few minutes in an entire day to message me. Then she said that part of it is that I am really far away. So then I asked if I am far away then this would have been an issue from get go, why did it become an issue now? She pointed out that she only said "part of it". So then I asked her what is the other part. Then she wasn't saying. Then I decided to make a guess FOR her and ask her if its true. So I went BACK to her saying "I am hiding something" in connection to my mom. Now remember how the first time I assumed she meant hiding something "from my mom" (as in doing something my mom won't approve of). Well, THIS TIME I decided to try a different meaning: namely, "hiding something from that girl" (as in, lying to her it was my mom when actually its another girl). So I outright asked her "did you think I was with another girl when I said it was my mom". SHE SAID YES. So then I started to repeatedly telling her its not the case and how I realize its hard to believe that a 41 year old would have a mom issues but its true. After repeated messages like that she finally believed me, and said we can try again. So we did "try again". I told her how its good for me to call her a certain time in the morning because that is when I am suppsoed to "go running", so I can lie to my mom I am running while actually talking to her (and yes I told her that running would have to be a lie since I can't talk and run at the same time). She was fine with that so we had our conversation that day. Then the next day I called her an hour late because I overslept, and I apologized for it explaining that I slept really well, she said it was fine, and we had another long conversation. During the end of second conversation she mentinoed how she was thikning of re-locating just to find people from her sect. That made me worried because it contradicts any possible plan of relocating to where I am (since I have to be at my university). So I brought it up, and she said yes she can consider relocating to where I am too, but she needs to talk on skype first. So we agreed to decide when is the best time to talk on skype. Then the next day I didn't call her at all, again I overslept, and this time I just assumed it would be fine since it was fine the previous day. As it happened my mom had to go to a doctor which normally takes half a day if not a full day. So I texted her that this is a perfect time to skype with her since I can go to Barns and Noble and if my mom shows up early I can just lie to her that my computer is broken and I went to fix it. She said "well, not today". I thought she was frustrated that I didn't call her when I was supposed to. So I started sending her text after text explaning how the reason I didn't call was because I was preparing all night for the meeting with my professor (which is true). She said to me that actually my not calling is not an issue: in fact she thinks we talk a bit too much. What bothers her is that I keep asking her if she dislikes something every time she ends the phone conversation. And then she added "is your laptop really broken?" So I told her no its not broken I just want to tell my mom its broken to get an excuse to get out of the house at some time other than my running (namely to fix it). She then sent me a bunch of verses to show me why lying is wrong and asked me why can't I just say I go to Barns and Noble without making any stories. I said that my mom treats me like a little child so if I just tell her I go to Barns and Noble she would get nousy as to why I want to go there. She never responded to that message nor a subsequent message.

The first relationship seems really typical to me, but it makes the 2nd seem so much more successful. There is actual communication and it seems like it helped for a long time deflate all those worries she had and doubts.

The first is full of the "crazy" chase to just prove the point and the truth, and i can see how hiding things actually doesnt help with that case and probably you talking too much about hiding your relationship because if theres a deep issue that involves having such doubts, it just adds to it in the wrong direction. Regardless, I can't call any of these doubts crazy, and I'll tell you why. when someone is exposed and gets doubts about a certain situation, they look for facts. The fact you were hiding continuously and went to such extents to do it could make the most secure person wonder. The constant reminding of it didn't help her deal with the doubts she had, and the frustration of the limitations of a full relationship with you. This only takes from her, doesnt make up for anything missing. It feels one sided and strange. Fact number 2 comes into play to reassure her doubts, your machines are suddenly not working properly and she has to suffer because of it. But she sees you are actually there, or whatever, so you might be there but ignoring her. That might mean you have someone else, because you are also hiding your relatioship and go to crazy extents to do so and involve her into it.

Angry over nothing - partners have a tendency to call their partners crazy or have nothing to feel disress over, which can be very hurtful and feel alone and damage the trust between partners. The fact is distress and feelings happen, regardless of wheher a situation is true or false, misunderstood or there is discrepancy between the seriousness of the event [which in this case its online and she has no way of measuring it, it all comes down to: did he do it or not] and the feeling that happened. Feelings are unvoluntary. You dont choose them. They can be very distressful and make one worried about having them because they realize they can affect their relationships in negative ways but regardlessly they still feel that way. It's better in this situation to avoid minimizing or invalidating someones feelings as it can cause a lot of damage to do so. Also, im not too sure that any explanations actually help in her believing much, more so that shes merciful and tired of going on talking about her feelings rather than having that much faith. This is at least true for me, it doesnt much help me and in some cases it gets me stuck in that whirlpool of thoughts and doubts which i shouldnt fuel but distance from. And probably wears my partner down having to explain to me that its not true, and makes me feel guilty and sad. But each person is different. The work they do makes me feel like they are actually invested because ignoring it would make me very skeptical about them actually caring enough to input any effort or worry about the relationship and me. What helps me is usually understanding, i need to be understood that what i feel and the crazy doubts im going through are indeed distressful, theyre not nothing and can really f**k up my relationship. When people back themselves up and show strength and responsibility they are much more reliable. When they show initiative to behave reliably, instead of shooting bullets back like in a war, it does earn trust and helps in many ways. Practically ends the back and forth war. When there is peace and joy, it doesnt seem as crazy and confusing, unreliable and it shows me that the present is a good present, and the past or the bad happenings of others are distant from me. Sister was cheated on? I dont feel like i am, im so lucky. I'm nowhere near there. I was treated horribly in the past? I'm not at all now. Theres new path in front and new things to look forward to and everything is okay. While responding with anger and not understanding her makes her feel very uneasy about the present and future and makes her feel used for the good times and not backed up in the bad ones. Know those vows? Gotta prove you can handle them before marriage.

"During the vast majority of those 20% she acted very easy going about it. But then one day she decided to make a big deal about it." - this tells me it could have been her bottling it up or trying to ignore it, but she ultimately couldnt. It was very important to her and you're dealing here with a girl with deep issues about trusting you and some past scars about it. I think reassuring her and sometimes talking or offering her to talk could have been easing her distress over it. But she mightve been scared about confrontation, she didnt wanna argue especially if she had done it before, ignored it, and thought she was able to. That doesnt mean she wasnt struggling to deal with it on her own though. Sometimes its too much, and thats fine. But sometimes picking your battles might mean taking care of it sooner than your maximum capacity point where you lose control.

This single fact doesnt say your ex was crazy. She had real facts to base her observations on, that sparked distressful feelings in her, you both failed at dealing with them, further events happened that you failed and they got worse. There are multiple reasons to believe she was hding her distrust from you, or bottling up, also add in the fact she only at some point admitted she thought you were with another girl. She was probably worried and ashamed of her feelings, and instead trying to find ways to deal with them and involve you, which she probably lacked trust you could anyway, she chose to be hiding them. It's possible she had some trust in you and willingness to prevent it affecting your relationship. The path to your demise was already unawarely paved, though.

Theres no doubt about the power and control your mom has and how she is able to affect your life and relationships. You cannot have a healthy mature realtionship until you learn to stand up and gain immunity against it, let it not affect your life and free will so much and be able to be detached from mommy and enter an adult life where you and your wife will be a family and there will not be external influence on your family. When you are able to decide for yourself and your girlfriend/wife and create the environment your relationship needs and you can truly say you desire it and feel free to build it, thats when i think that relationship will have much more chances to be successful, favorable and healthy. A woman needs someone who isnt a mommys slave, controlled to great extents but someone who she can rely on and whose decisions wont be influenced and impossible to be talked about or fulfilled, but that she can talk to him and build a life where theres just two, and especially no evil mom that sparks fear into you to the point that it renders you cornered and dazed, unable to act and evolve.


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christinejarvis21
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10 Oct 2021, 7:52 pm

As a Catholic women I honestly believe it depends on the person and with the religions sometimes some women are just a little more specific in what they are looking for.



Itendswithmexx
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17 Oct 2021, 11:11 am

Date a Mormon woman. They chill with anti feminism and sexism,misogyny. Multiple wives not multiple husbands.



QFT
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18 Oct 2021, 1:57 am

Itendswithmexx wrote:
Date a Mormon woman. They chill with anti feminism and sexism,misogyny. Multiple wives not multiple husbands.


And what makes you think I am misogynic?



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18 Oct 2021, 2:05 am

@rexi

There's not a lot of options - young, single, white, PhD in math/physics, semi-attractive and accommodating....probably about 6 people in the entire USA meet this category.



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18 Oct 2021, 2:07 am

QFT wrote:
So I guess I would personally be the most comfortable marrying a "mainstream messianic": that would neither be "mainstream Christian" nor a "messianic cult", but something in-between. The only thing is that, given my Asperger, I don't have that much of a choice. So I am forced to settle to the situations other than this, unless I get lucky.


I think if you open up your criteria you will increase your chances of finding love.



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18 Oct 2021, 2:54 am

cyberdad wrote:
@rexi

There's not a lot of options - young, single, white, PhD in math/physics, semi-attractive and accommodating....probably about 6 people in the entire USA meet this category.


I am not as rigid about most of them as you assume.

young: I would prefer someone in her 20-s, but I am still open to women in their 30-s. In fact, given that most people in their 20-s would think I am too old, I am now focusing on the ones in their 30-s in my online searches. I wouldn't date anyone in their 40-s though. For one thing I want kids and they likely will lose fertility soon if they haven't already.

single: Yes, I do insist on this one. But I don't see anything unreasonable about this. I assume your wife was single too when you dated her, or else she wouldn't be your wife. Yes, I remember she wasn't single when you just met her: you said she was with someone else and you were just friends. But here is a key word: "when you dated her". At the time you started dating her she was single. Same here. I am totally fine being *friends* with women that are taken. But I won't date them. I assume you are the same way.

white: Yes I insist on this one. But its not a lot to ask. I don't have the exact numbers, but lets assume for the sake of the argument that 2/3 of women are White. So if I were to allow myself to date women that aren't White, I would basically multiply my dating pool by 1.5. But if I have such a tiny success now, multiplying a really small number by 1.5 would still be a really small number. So this alone won't solve my problem.

PhD in math/physics: Thats a bonus but not a requirenmnet. None of the women I dated in the past were in math/physics, yet it didn't stop me from dating them. However, that doesn't change the fact that if there was a woman in ph.d. program in math/physics that was willing to date me, I would probably drop everyone else just for her. So yes, this is important. *But* I am open to dating women that don't have it, due to my not being able to get the ones that do.

semi-attractive: Again, its a bonus, not a requirenment. Most women I dated were *not* semi-attractive: they were far too overweight for that. Yet I dated them anyway. Nevertheless, I do feel like I miss out on dating semi-attractive women. I really wish I knew how it feels to be with one, which unfortunately I don't, since I never been with one.

accommodating: Accommodating towards what? I don't remember myeslf ever saying "oh this woman doesn't sound accommodating, so I won't date her". It was actually quite the opposite. My second long-term ex actually told me her expectations in the beginning of a relationship, and I was telling her that its all fine I can adjust. But then a year later I got into lots of conflicts with her due to my studying too much and not being willing to give her the time and attention she wanted. But you see, this was one of the things she warned me about at the very beginning. Yet it didn't determ me from dating her.



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18 Oct 2021, 3:02 am

cyberdad wrote:
QFT wrote:
So I guess I would personally be the most comfortable marrying a "mainstream messianic": that would neither be "mainstream Christian" nor a "messianic cult", but something in-between. The only thing is that, given my Asperger, I don't have that much of a choice. So I am forced to settle to the situations other than this, unless I get lucky.


I think if you open up your criteria you will increase your chances of finding love.


Being with Messianic is also a bonus, not the requirenment. As evident from the fact that none of the women I dated in the past were Messianic.

However, just a few days ago, I strated talking on skype to a woman in England who is Messianic (and by the way, unlike most of my ex-s, she isn't obese). We aren't officially dating yet, but I mentioned this to her and asked her if she is considering it, and she says she does. In fact she is willing to stop talking to other men on a dating site. At the same time, however, she says she doesn't want to be official until we meet twice. I asked her how is it possible seeing she is in England, she sort of said she was hoping skype would do the job (we had bad connection so far).

In any case, actually I can thank *you* for her. Because I remember in one of the other threads you mentioned how American women are more picky than women from other countries. So I decided to go ahead and try other countries to see if I have better luck. Now, if I were to try Africa or Asia, then I already know I would have better luck (given the number of unsolicited emails I get from those countries) but thats not the kind of luck I want (I never respond to them). So the only thing that might actually interest me is Europe. And it is a good question whether European women would be less picky than American ones. Logically they are just as White and just as rich, so they shouldn't be less picky. But who knows, maybe there is something in American culture that would make American women pickier despite lack of logical reason. So since there is nothing to lose, I decided to set my search on Europe. And here I am, talking to a European woman.

So yeah, I am genuinely greatful that you mentioned it. If not for you, I wouldn't have been talking to her.



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18 Oct 2021, 3:19 am

I am glad to hear you are making progress QFT

BTW in that list of criteria I think if you just dropped one (the PhD) then it opens up a lot of doors. There are a lot of intelligent women who aren't postgraduates.



QFT
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18 Oct 2021, 3:39 am

cyberdad wrote:
I am glad to hear you are making progress QFT

BTW in that list of criteria I think if you just dropped one (the PhD) then it opens up a lot of doors. There are a lot of intelligent women who aren't postgraduates.


For the past several years I was contacting women on dating sites that didn't have ph.d.-s. In fact many of them didn't have college education either.

That doesn't change the fact that I *wish* I was with a woman who has Ph.D. The reason I was contacting women that don't have it is precisely for the reason you gave: to open doors.

However, once I did get into relationships, I found myself trying to persuade the women I was with to go to college. No, I wasn't outright telling them to get ph.d. in physics: I knew it was too much to ask. But I was trying to find more deplomatic ways to persuade them to get more educated. For example, my third long term ex mentioned her ancestors came to US on Mayflower. So I kept trying to persuade her to go to university and major in history. Of course I would rather she majors in physics, but I knew history would be the only thing she would possibly agree to major in. And so I decided that having her go to university and major in history is better than her not going to university at all. But even with history I wasn't too successful. After several months of attempts to persuade her, I finally got her to look into the scholarships and applications process for one day and then the next day she again decided she doesn't want to do it.

So, as you see, I never ruled out women on the basis that they didn't have education. Instead, I just tried to change their mind afterwords.

Of coruse if I had more options I would have went for the woman with ph.d. in math/physics, but I can't afford to do it. That doesn't change the fact that I "wish" I was with such a woman. Thats why when I had female officemate (who is by default in math ph.d. program -- as any officemate(s) of either gender would be) it was such a big deal when she didn't like me.

As far as Messianic thing, it is actually quite similar. I would start dating mainstream Christians, but then as the relationship develops, I found myself trying to convert them from mainstream Christianity to Messianic. As far as whom I "start" dating they don't even have to be Christian. I am fine dating atheists too, as long as they aren't pagan. But as it turns out the women that ended up dating me happened to be Christian (some devoted, others in name only). And then like I said I ended up trying to get them to be Messianic, and wasn't that successful at it.

But the woman I am currently talking to is Messianic already. So thats good. She isn't educated though.

By the way the whole thing about trying to get a woman to go to college or to become messianic is only something I did months into relationship. In the beginning I wouldn't even mention any of those things and act as if I am happy with her as she is. But then as time goes by I would start to try to change her.

Although as I type I just realized its not entirely true. When I asked the man who leads Bible study here on campus why don't people talk to me, one thing he mentioned is that I keep trying to push my own religious views that he considers to be far from mainstream Christianity. One of the things he cited is, yes, me trying to persuade people to be Messianic. And the other thing he cited is my obsession with end times. Now in those cases it wasn't like I knew them really well and then did this. On the contrary. I started doing it before I ever got a chance to get to know them: in fact even now they barely say hello to me, and my pushing religious views is his answer as to why not.

But then again, in case of Bible study certain passages might trigger me to do it. Whereas in case of dating sites I won't do it unless I actually want to.



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18 Oct 2021, 4:17 am

On the subject of sexuality I have found them to be very judgemental but only the ones I met so far.

The ones in question I found very untrustworthy and deceptive. They intentionally lied about what they wanted in a relationship and tried to string me along.

After watching them for years they seemed to make a habit of stringing people along in celibate relationships indefinitely. They knew full well they were useless as both wife's or girlfriends (as are many highly religious folk, both male or female). Naturally they had to be thoroughly dishonest as a result if they wanted any hope in getting interest from potential partners.


Anyone who started dating at 30 despite seemingly being able to do so far earlier needs to be given a wide berth.

30 years old and never had a proper date?
A virgin despite being able to lose it sooner?
Paranoid over a Skype malfunction?
Immediately thinks you're cheating over such a trivial problem?
A religious fruit cake?

Sounds like she's a 5 year old in an adult body. Perhaps you should tell her that she's a little brat and it's about she should grow up? Someone like her will infuriate me.