Going to fast. From the male perspective.

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Nades
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18 Aug 2021, 7:29 am

Texasmoneyman300 wrote:
Nades wrote:
We all know what going to fast is from a females eyes (getting pushy for sex obviously).

Over the last week I was wondering what going to fast from the male perspective is. I've been seeing this woman and she insists on going slow. By the second date she invited her family to see me and by the 4th uploaded a picture of me and her to Facebook, tagging me in it obviously without asking causing me to explain "she was just a friend" to my family. Now on the fifth date she recommended skydiving.


Am I alone in thinking she's going to fast? Seems a little quick to me that's for sure.

What is going to fast from a guys perspective?

The girl i dated we met on a dating site and we talked on the phone for a while and she brought up marriage before the first date.That scared me a little and i thought it was too fast.


Yes. I noticed women generally move to fast emotionally and men to fast sexually.



MaxE
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18 Aug 2021, 9:35 am

Nades wrote:
I noticed women generally move to fast emotionally and men to fast sexually.

This has not been my experience. Women generally know more or less immediately if they're physically attracted, and don't need time to "work up to" having sex. I have more than once gotten the message that it took me too long to "get down to business" and have experienced performance issues at least 3 times when unexpectedly given to understand that the person I was with wanted to do the nasty. I suppose at least part of that was due to prior experience with guys who were chomping at the bit, but in those days there wasn't as much sex-negativity as there is now so it wasn't as much of an issue for the guy to be eager and impatient to get it on is it would be today.

The disconnect I've experienced is for the woman to then assume an emotional connection simply because a sexual connection had been established.


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18 Aug 2021, 9:52 am

MaxE wrote:
[...] The disconnect I've experienced is for the woman to then assume an emotional connection simply because a sexual connection had been established.
In my experience, this was more of a demand than an assumption.

:evil: "We've had sex! You're my husband now! Why don't you act like one?!"


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Nades
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18 Aug 2021, 10:30 am

Fnord wrote:
MaxE wrote:
[...] The disconnect I've experienced is for the woman to then assume an emotional connection simply because a sexual connection had been established.
In my experience, this was more of a demand than an assumption.

:evil: "We've had sex! You're my husband now! Why don't you act like one?!"


I've had a mix of both but mainly Women getting very latched on emotionally but not wanting to get down to business. It's a bit if a red flag and makes me wonder if they like me so much then why do they have such an issue with getting intimate?

I don't even consider someone a girlfriend until sex has happened in the way I want it to happen. Not only after an expensive date, not only after some sort of man choir around the house or errand but naturally because she actually loves me as a person and not just the crap I can do for her.

We can have sex 100 times. It'll still mean nothing to me and I won't be introducing her to friends and family if it's just her paying back a subconscious "debt" and not done out of genuine love. Probably the reason why I'm yet to introduce a girlfriend yet but I can wait and hope. It'll only be a matter of time hopefully



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19 Aug 2021, 1:06 am

Well the first proper date away from her house with screaming kids is actually today. We had to rearrange it from yesterday.

Yesterday she said she was holding off intimacy until i was introduced her to my family and said she already told everyone in her family about me (talk about piling on the pressure)

I told her all that telling family does is put pressure on people and she agreed. I also said that I don't consider it a proper adult relationship worthy or writing home about unless intimacy of some sort (in the correct way) has happened. I said I was getting tired of strictly being seen as someone who provides emotional support and utilitarian services and nothing more in relationships. Nobody wants to just be used as an object to vent their days frustrations or a impromptu taxi service. She could see where I was coming from which is good.

It irks me to no end that she fails to realise how being with her is a huge sacrifice for a guy. She admitted she wants no more kids as she already has two with another man and not only that, she wants a new guy to forgo kids of their own and look after those two kids. It's like she's failed to realise that she's a 30+ year old with a lot of baggage and still thinks she's 19.



Nades
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20 Aug 2021, 2:10 am

Well an update on the date. She actually behaved herself and didn't make a scene about it which was good.

The bad is that she still has a compulsion to tell everyone she can. All her family know about me and she knows who my aunt and cousin is and has done so after the 3rd date which I find borderline creepy. She said she "happened" to find out coincidentally after she was asked why she needed someone to look after her kids which she had no choice other that to reveal ALLL too her parents......yada yada yada, they revealed my family tree. Which is a strange excuse as yesterday was the only occasion where someone actually needed to look after her kids.

She says she sees my aunt regularly at school and when asked she'll tell her about us.

Her demeanour changed a little too. On Wednesday she said she refuses to have any sexual contact until i introduce her to my family. I said I won't until I'm confident we'll have an adult, intimate relationship that will last. (To many women saying they love me but never touching me in the past, not doing it again)

Yesterday she seemed to be much more relaxed about sex and said she would have had it last night if it wasn't for her feeling a bit ill. Getting her foot in the door possibly?

She seems more interested in my family than making me feel comfortable with her.



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20 Aug 2021, 2:29 am

Nades wrote:
Well an update on the date. She actually behaved herself and didn't make a scene about it which was good.

The bad is that she still has a compulsion to tell everyone she can. All her family know about me and she knows who my aunt and cousin is and has done so after the 3rd date which I find borderline creepy. She said she "happened" to find out coincidentally after she was asked why she needed someone to look after her kids which she had no choice other that to reveal ALLL too her parents......yada yada yada, they revealed my family tree. Which is a strange excuse as yesterday was the only occasion where someone actually needed to look after her kids.

She says she sees my aunt regularly at school and when asked she'll tell her about us.

Her demeanour changed a little too. On Wednesday she said she refuses to have any sexual contact until i introduce her to my family. I said I won't until I'm confident we'll have an adult, intimate relationship that will last. (To many women saying they love me but never touching me in the past, not doing it again)

Yesterday she seemed to be much more relaxed about sex and said she would have had it last night if it wasn't for her feeling a bit ill. Getting her foot in the door possibly?

She seems more interested in my family than making me feel comfortable with her.


Regardless she is probably not the person for you, do you really think a single mother who doesn't work and is on disability I think you said...is really going to match up to your financial level and be able to pay half of everything? I mean if you were to get with this woman there is a non-zero chance she will need some amount of financial help from you if you are to live together. But if you already know you for sure do not want a woman who is at all dependent on you I guess I don't understand why you are still seeing a woman that is unlikely to live up to that.


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Nades
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20 Aug 2021, 4:16 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
Nades wrote:
Well an update on the date. She actually behaved herself and didn't make a scene about it which was good.

The bad is that she still has a compulsion to tell everyone she can. All her family know about me and she knows who my aunt and cousin is and has done so after the 3rd date which I find borderline creepy. She said she "happened" to find out coincidentally after she was asked why she needed someone to look after her kids which she had no choice other that to reveal ALLL too her parents......yada yada yada, they revealed my family tree. Which is a strange excuse as yesterday was the only occasion where someone actually needed to look after her kids.

She says she sees my aunt regularly at school and when asked she'll tell her about us.

Her demeanour changed a little too. On Wednesday she said she refuses to have any sexual contact until i introduce her to my family. I said I won't until I'm confident we'll have an adult, intimate relationship that will last. (To many women saying they love me but never touching me in the past, not doing it again)

Yesterday she seemed to be much more relaxed about sex and said she would have had it last night if it wasn't for her feeling a bit ill. Getting her foot in the door possibly?

She seems more interested in my family than making me feel comfortable with her.


Regardless she is probably not the person for you, do you really think a single mother who doesn't work and is on disability I think you said...is really going to match up to your financial level and be able to pay half of everything? I mean if you were to get with this woman there is a non-zero chance she will need some amount of financial help from you if you are to live together. But if you already know you for sure do not want a woman who is at all dependent on you I guess I don't understand why you are still seeing a woman that is unlikely to live up to that.


Luckily because she has no job she actually gets given a fair amount of state support. I explicitly told her I'm not financially supporting her before we met and so far has asked for no money. She's been doing pretty well support wise and I'm sure she wouldn't need any support from me. It's just her trying to make a show of it all that I have the issue with.

Everyone past 30 has baggage and her more so than others. She doesn't realise that a lot of guys want to make sure people like her are fit and proper before introducing them to family who are going to scrutinize such a person a lot more, especially given my autism makes it more likely unscrupulous women might only get with me to rinse me dry. My father especially will analyse any women intently.

Women like her are much more complex cases than the blank slates they were at 18 and it takes much longer to figure out if they're manageable. Despite telling her that she seems keen to tell everyone about us like a 14 year old with her first BF.



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07 Sep 2021, 1:57 am

Might as well five an update......she's asked for money.

It's not a huge amount only being 100 pounds but her account is overdrawn and she needs money for food for the kids and herself.

I asked her why she hasn't asked her loaded father for money and she just said "look, I'm stressed, can you help out or not". In other words she dodged the question.

I know for a fact she's had gambling problems in the past and is keen on get rich quick schemes. I absolutely despise stuff like that and told her early on I strongly dislike women asking for money.

Obviously a massive red flag how she would ask me for money over her own dad. It's clear she's hiding something so I might have to call it quits.



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07 Sep 2021, 2:45 am

nick007 wrote:
Texasmoneyman300 wrote:
The girl i dated we met on a dating site and we talked on the phone for a while and she brought up marriage before the first date.That scared me a little and i thought it was too fast.
How much did you chat before the 1st date :?: The 3 relationships I had were mostly LDR things for half a year & we never really did the whole dating thing. Dating wasn't really feasible & we met up after things got serious. We chatted alot before we started discussing marriage but we still had that discussion before we managed to meet up. You know how there are more than a few stories & songs about people going to Vegas & getting drunk & waking up married the next day, I woulda been one of em if I had that opportunity when I was single but I would NOT of been drunk or under the influence of any drugs. I was very lonely & majorly HATED being single. If I was single rite now I would be asking if you still had her contact info if you thought I'd might have any chance at all with her :wink:

I think we chatted for about a month or two or less and she brought it up.It scared me. because We did not even go on date yet and she was bringing up marriage and kids.We even talked about number of kids and that scared me too.I would only start talking about serious things after 6 months.



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11 Sep 2021, 1:59 pm

Quote:
It irks me to no end that she fails to realise how being with her is a huge sacrifice for a guy.


What a horrible thing to say. Why the hell are you going out with someone you don't like it respect.

Do the good thing and leave her alone.

Just read the update.

Ah ha. She was after money.

Learn from this. Don't date people you don't like or who give you bad vibes.



Last edited by hurtloam on 11 Sep 2021, 2:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Nades
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11 Sep 2021, 2:01 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Quote:
It irks me to no end that she fails to realise how being with her is a huge sacrifice for a guy.


What a horrible thing to say. Why the hell are you going out with someone you don't like it respect.

Do the good thing and leave her alone you creep.


Since when is it creepy wanting a family of your own?



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11 Sep 2021, 2:04 pm

Nades wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Quote:
It irks me to no end that she fails to realise how being with her is a huge sacrifice for a guy.


What a horrible thing to say. Why the hell are you going out with someone you don't like it respect.

Do the good thing and leave her alone you creep.


Since when is it creepy wanting a family of your own?


I highlighted the creep bit. It's weird to bother this person you don't like or respect. You're words are filled with distain.

I don't think I'd trust her either, but I would walk away. You saying this stuff is condescending and not very nice.

Are you hanging round her because she gives you a sense of superiority.

She's not great, buy your comments here don't paint you in the best light either.



Last edited by hurtloam on 11 Sep 2021, 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hurtloam
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11 Sep 2021, 2:10 pm

Texasmoneyman300 wrote:
nick007 wrote:
Texasmoneyman300 wrote:
The girl i dated we met on a dating site and we talked on the phone for a while and she brought up marriage before the first date.That scared me a little and i thought it was too fast.
How much did you chat before the 1st date :?: The 3 relationships I had were mostly LDR things for half a year & we never really did the whole dating thing. Dating wasn't really feasible & we met up after things got serious. We chatted alot before we started discussing marriage but we still had that discussion before we managed to meet up. You know how there are more than a few stories & songs about people going to Vegas & getting drunk & waking up married the next day, I woulda been one of em if I had that opportunity when I was single but I would NOT of been drunk or under the influence of any drugs. I was very lonely & majorly HATED being single. If I was single rite now I would be asking if you still had her contact info if you thought I'd might have any chance at all with her :wink:

I think we chatted for about a month or two or less and she brought it up.It scared me. because We did not even go on date yet and she was bringing up marriage and kids.We even talked about number of kids and that scared me too.I would only start talking about serious things after 6 months.


I think some people want to find out quickly whether you have similar goals. They don't want to waste time on someone they're not compatible with. Why would they? They have a plan. I think it's sensible to discuss practical things before you get too emotionally invested.

Imagine you really want children. You fall for someone who doesn't. You have to break up after wasting months on this other person and now you're both hurting because you got attached. Seems stupid and pointless to me.

Stuff like children is non-negotiable. You either want them or you don't. I've heard of marriages breaking up after years because they thought they would eventually agree and they never did. They wasted their child bearing years.

You've got to get this stuff sorted as soon as.



Nades
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11 Sep 2021, 2:12 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Nades wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Quote:
It irks me to no end that she fails to realise how being with her is a huge sacrifice for a guy.


What a horrible thing to say. Why the hell are you going out with someone you don't like it respect.

Do the good thing and leave her alone you creep.


Since when is it creepy wanting a family of your own?


I highlighted the creep bit. It's weird to bother this person you don't like or respect. You're words are filled with destain.

I don't think I'd trust her either, but I would walk away. Your saying this stuff is condescending and not very nice.

Are you hanging round her because she gives you a sense of superiority.

She's not great, buy your comments here don't paint you in the best light either.



It's never been a mystery that people with ASD can't really get exactly what they want in a partner. It's a fact that having kids with someone and then sterilising oneself before starting a new relationship is indeed a huge sacrifice to make for a man or woman if they don't have any kids themselves. It doesn't make someone creepy to admit such and it doesn't make someone judgmental to consider it as "baggage".

I'm undecided on kids but I at least want the option. For many people having kids is not as clear cut. She only told me she intends to sterilize herself on the most recent meeting and I'm already distancing myself from her.



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11 Sep 2021, 2:16 pm

Nades wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Nades wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
Quote:
It irks me to no end that she fails to realise how being with her is a huge sacrifice for a guy.


What a horrible thing to say. Why the hell are you going out with someone you don't like it respect.

Do the good thing and leave her alone you creep.


Since when is it creepy wanting a family of your own?


I highlighted the creep bit. It's weird to bother this person you don't like or respect. You're words are filled with destain.

I don't think I'd trust her either, but I would walk away. Your saying this stuff is condescending and not very nice.

Are you hanging round her because she gives you a sense of superiority.

She's not great, buy your comments here don't paint you in the best light either.



It's never been a mystery that people with ASD can't really get exactly what they want in a partner. It's a fact that having kids with someone and then sterilising oneself before starting a new relationship is indeed a huge sacrifice to make for a man or woman if they don't have any kids themselves. It doesn't make someone creepy to admit such and it doesn't make someone judgmental to consider it as "baggage".

I'm undecided on kids but I at least want the option. For many people having kids is not as clear cut. She only told me she intends to sterilize herself on the most recent meeting and I'm already distancing myself from her.


I stopped reading at the line I quoted.

I read that one line I knew you didn't even like her at all.

Why bother with her.

I'm not debating whether what she wants is a big ask. It is and I agree with you.

What I'm criticising are your words on her about her that dripped with destain from the first post.

You don't like her. You should have stopped association with her sooner.