Have you confronted NTs about lies, with evidence?

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Jayo
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12 Aug 2021, 1:23 pm

I know that we're not so good at spotting lies based on emotional intuition (for the obvious reasons), but then again even some NTs are horrible at this... heck even a behavioural psychologist did an experiment with COPS to see if they could identify whether someone they interrogated was lying or not, and it was only about 57% accuracy, not much better than random chance. 8O

However, in the context of lying as "white lies" for social smoothing-over, to save face and what-not... I found later in my 20s that it is a social faux-pas to confront someone with evidence if they're just doing a "polite" lie as such. It can make situations VERY awkward. You should only confront someone with evidence IF they don't have power over you in some way, AND if you don't, then it will be to your detriment in some way (i.e. financial, reputational, or the like).

So, if you're a guy and you ask a girl out and she casually slips in the "I've got a boyfriend" part, but she doesn't and you later find out this truth (e.g. from friends, online social media status, whatever), then DO NOT call her out on this - just accept the indirect rejection.

One little anecdote: a former friend of mine, who's NT, told me about how he got a girl's phone number at a club one night, then he called it and found it was a wrong number (she copied it down, not him). So it was very likely a fake. Then, wouldn't you know it, he gets off the bus at the mall one day and she's waiting around the bus depot area - they came face to face, recognized each other with the awkwardness, and the girl apologized with "look, OK, maybe I didn't give you the right number, but I'm just not ready for anything now, I need some space" - and my NT friend was kind of put out by that, but he readily understood why she didn't just express that sentiment from the get-go.

So, yeah, any attempts at friendship or relationship, where you find "evidence to the contrary", be that "I have to work tonight", "I have to help a friend move that day (and the week after)", or "my dog just died", whatever the polite/white lie may be, just keep the evidence to yourself.



Joe90
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12 Aug 2021, 1:33 pm

I can understand lies, as I've used them myself then got caught out. Like a few years ago before I met my boyfriend, a guy asked me on a date but I didn't fancy him. The truth was he was too small and thin for my liking, but I couldn't really tell him that, so when he kept asking why I wouldn't date him, I had to use the age excuse instead (I was only about 22 and he was about 42). But I actually liked older men, and the boyfriend I'm with now is 20+ years older than me. But when the other guy saw a picture of me on Facebook with my boyfriend, he could see that he was a lot older than me, and he blocked me.

Normally I get upset when people block me on Facebook, but this guy had a good reason to and I did feel bad for him. I bet it didn't do his self-esteem much good. Sorry, guy, wherever you are now. :cry:


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Fnord
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12 Aug 2021, 1:35 pm

"Little white lies" are not worth challenging.  Big Dark Lies -- such as false accusations of being a sociopath -- are always worth reporting.

Direct confrontation, however, is out of the question.  Most lies told to or about me seemed to have been intended to provoke a response from me, which would then be used as "evidence" to support the original lie.  Thus, it is better (more often than not) just to hit the "Report" button (for example), explain the situation to someone in authority, and let them handle it.

At work, liars get dismissed.  In church, liars get "shunned".  On social websites, liars get suspended or banned.

It all works out.



Dear_one
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12 Aug 2021, 4:49 pm

Fnord wrote:
At work, liars get dismissed.  In church, liars get "shunned".  On social websites, liars get suspended or banned.

It all works out.[/color]


It can take a very long time for big lies to get worked out. One example would be "The US promotes democracy" when the CIA has held a veto over the elections in most countries for decades, and the US elections offer little choice, and are heavily influenced by money, gerrymandering, and a myriad of other corruptions.