How a romantic relationship is distinct from a friendship

Page 2 of 2 [ 25 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,439
Location: New York City (Queens)

14 Aug 2021, 11:50 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
It feels really weird to me to think that I’m supposed to somehow use the fact that I never think about something unless someone else mentions it as any kind of identity. Am I ahandstand because I don’t usually think about and don’t have any desire to walk on my hands?

The point of these "identities" is simply to have a way of identifying like-minded people -- or, at least, people who are like you in one important way (though they might be very different from you in other ways).

If almost everyone you knew walked on their hands and was constantly bugging you about why you don't walk on your hands, then you might make a point of seeking out the few other people you knew who don't walk on their hands. And, if such were the case, that would be the point of an "a-handstand identity."

Fortunately, we don't live in a world like that, so there's no need for an "a-handstand identity."


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


StrayCat81
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 24 Jul 2021
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 173
Location: Wellington, New Zealand

15 Aug 2021, 1:10 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
The point of these "identities" is simply to have a way of identifying like-minded people -- or, at least, people who are like you in one important way (though they might be very different from you in other ways).

Hmm, you sure it's not more about validation and feeling of belonging? Whenever I see people discovering asexual or autism or similar, they inevitably write "I felt like I was broken but now I found a label so I feel valid" kind of nonsense...



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,330
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

15 Aug 2021, 1:38 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
It feels really weird to me to think that I’m supposed to somehow use the fact that I never think about something unless someone else mentions it as any kind of identity. Am I ahandstand because I don’t usually think about and don’t have any desire to walk on my hands?

The point of these "identities" is simply to have a way of identifying like-minded people -- or, at least, people who are like you in one important way (though they might be very different from you in other ways).

If almost everyone you knew walked on their hands and was constantly bugging you about why you don't walk on your hands, then you might make a point of seeking out the few other people you knew who don't walk on their hands. And, if such were the case, that would be the point of an "a-handstand identity."

Fortunately, we don't live in a world like that, so there's no need for an "a-handstand identity."


It would be pertinent when around others, yes, but I think of “identity” more as who/what I am without the influence of others, more like my core being. When I’m alone, I’m not constantly reminded of that difference. But it is still an important distinction to make in a social setting. I think in that post I didn’t really say what I’d intended to say :oops:


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.


StrayCat81
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 24 Jul 2021
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 173
Location: Wellington, New Zealand

15 Aug 2021, 2:03 am

dragonsanddemons wrote:
I think of “identity” more as who/what I am without the influence of others, more like my core being

Actually, now I'm curious, since you have no fancy "social" identity, how do you describe yourself to others? Or maybe, hmm, how do you understand yourself? Not sure which question is better, just tried to be maximally open here.



Mona Pereth
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Sep 2018
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,439
Location: New York City (Queens)

15 Aug 2021, 2:08 am

dragonsanddemons wrote:
If as several people here have said, there must be an erotic or “turned on” aspect of some sort for a romantic relationship, then what’s the difference between being aromantic and being asexual? Does “asexual” just mean not having a strong urge to act on those feelings if they’re there?

Not trying to suggest that that’s necessarily wrong, I honestly have no clue.

Different people use the word "romantic" to mean different things. Apparently some people don't experience sexual/erotic attraction and/or don't desire sexual/erotic activity, but nevertheless desire other aspects of a romantic relationship such as physical affection/intimacy, a strong emotional connection, and a longterm commitment. Some of these people describe the desired relationship as "romantic but not sexual."


_________________
- Autistic in NYC - Resources and new ideas for the autistic adult community in the New York City metro area.
- Autistic peer-led groups (via text-based chat, currently) led or facilitated by members of the Autistic Peer Leadership Group.
- My Twitter (new as of 2021)


nick007
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 May 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 24,809
Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in the police state called USA

15 Aug 2021, 3:17 pm

I think a life partnership is somebody that I've made some kinda commitment with each other. It does not have to be a marriage commitment but we've both agreed to be together long term & are living together or we both majorly want to live together but cant currently due to various circumstances like school or work. I think a serious romantic relationship involves being very close with somebody like we are each other's best friend but we are also very affectionate with each other. The affection does not have to be sexual but it can include that. We've also both decided to be an official couple like boyfriend & girlfriend. A non-serious romantic relationship is somebody that I'm in the very early stages of a relationship with. We are both kinda trying to feel each other out & get to know each other & are not sure if we want to be an official couple yet.


_________________
"I don't have an anger problem, I have an idiot problem!"

~King Of The Hill


"Hear all, trust nothing"

~Ferengi Rule Of Acquisition #190
https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Ru ... cquisition


dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,330
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

16 Aug 2021, 6:02 pm

StrayCat81 wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
I think of “identity” more as who/what I am without the influence of others, more like my core being

Actually, now I'm curious, since you have no fancy "social" identity, how do you describe yourself to others? Or maybe, hmm, how do you understand yourself? Not sure which question is better, just tried to be maximally open here.


This isn’t really stuff I usually think all that much about, sorry if my answers are a bit clumsy.

I tend to view things even about myself as simply facts, without much/any emotion attached, and it seems to me that some sort of emotion/feeling is supposed to be involved in this whole identity thing. I feel the same about being asexual, for example, as I do about having brown hair. It is an accurate description of some aspect of myself, but not really any more than that to me. I don’t usually think about these traits when they aren’t relevant to something else. If asked to describe myself, I’d need some sort of context or starting point to bring anything to mind.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.


StrayCat81
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 24 Jul 2021
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 173
Location: Wellington, New Zealand

16 Aug 2021, 7:05 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
I tend to view things even about myself as simply facts, without much/any emotion attached, and it seems to me that some sort of emotion/feeling is supposed to be involved in this whole identity thing. I feel the same about being asexual, for example, as I do about having brown hair. It is an accurate description of some aspect of myself, but not really any more than that to me. I don’t usually think about these traits when they aren’t relevant to something else. If asked to describe myself, I’d need some sort of context or starting point to bring anything to mind.

That's interesting, since I have very similar. Did they give you any specific label for that? Or all of that goes under the autism?

To get some actual emotions about myself, I had to do a trick and imagine myself meeting my copy. And since I have plenty of ideas what cute and nice things we would do together, how safe we would feel with one another, it quickly evolved into very warm feelings, it's basically like having a relationship with myself.

Now I'm wondering how to find others with similar trait so we can compare notes... And how to even call it?



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 6,330
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

19 Aug 2021, 3:19 pm

StrayCat81 wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
I tend to view things even about myself as simply facts, without much/any emotion attached, and it seems to me that some sort of emotion/feeling is supposed to be involved in this whole identity thing. I feel the same about being asexual, for example, as I do about having brown hair. It is an accurate description of some aspect of myself, but not really any more than that to me. I don’t usually think about these traits when they aren’t relevant to something else. If asked to describe myself, I’d need some sort of context or starting point to bring anything to mind.

That's interesting, since I have very similar. Did they give you any specific label for that? Or all of that goes under the autism?

To get some actual emotions about myself, I had to do a trick and imagine myself meeting my copy. And since I have plenty of ideas what cute and nice things we would do together, how safe we would feel with one another, it quickly evolved into very warm feelings, it's basically like having a relationship with myself.

Now I'm wondering how to find others with similar trait so we can compare notes... And how to even call it?


I’m not aware of a label for it.

If I met a copy of myself, we’d probably just both stand there in awkward silence until one of us thought it would be less awkward to leave :lol: But that is a good idea, I’ll think more about what it would be like if we actually talked.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.