Whats the point...

Post Reply New Topic

Probably more of a scream into the void type post, I don't know, but ever the quintessential idiot I've been trying to date again. It's been rough to put it mildly. The latest girl who I thought was great has seemingly just ghosted me now after two dates. No explanation. Pretty sure I came off as insecure. Not sure how I can fix that. Growing up in the 90's with Autism and "therapy" literally instilled into me the response to distrust all my own instincts. Want to kiss the girl at the end of the date? Best not cause it's probably inappropriate cause it's your own stupid desire. It takes me so long to work though that and build up the nerve by the time I can even conceive of it shes looking for the door.

Dating is supposed to be fun right? Yet for me it's just this whirlwind of expectations that I barely perceive that I am failing to uphold. Am I being witty? Is this flirty? What the hell is flirting? Can I touch her hand here without it being considered creepy? Do I kiss her on the first date or is that assault? How am I supposed to build "sexual tension" without coming off like some shallow f*ckboy? All this while having to plan out an entire evening of activities. At almost no point in this process am I ever not supposed to be driving the evening and its frankly exhausting. Apparently even if I do manage to stir my inadequate slap-shod assemblage of social skills through its just not enough. The last girl was supposedly on the spectrum herself. I thought maybe this would be easier or at least make it more understandable. Apparently not and so comes the realization that any relationship I ever actually have will just be labor and trauma since at no point will I likely ever feel secure in any relationship. So why am I bothering for other than this gnawing sense of loneliness?

Yep, relationships are a nightmare for most guys on the spectrum.
I look back on how innocently inappropriate I acted when I was young and can't believe I didn't see how socially clumsy I was.

Children were never in my cards, so I guess I didn't lose all that much.
And I have my right hand to keep me company, after all.

very good question . always remember , people don't know your thoughts , so even what would appear the most socially aware person is probably going through what you describe . sometimes you have to stumble and make mistakes to learn what is ' the right play to make ' at any given time .

if a person is into you , none of the above will matter because it's a case of accepting you for you .

Do you desire to kiss new dates very early? First date? Seems like you tend to get attached very fast, so to say "wear your heart on your sleeve." It's not wrong to have such feelings, and you're not alone in it, but getting it under control can bring better benefits in your future with the person. Jumping the gun before they actually have gotten such feelings, or with a person who isnt going to have such feelings towards you can backfire and bring forth a whole array of issues that you don't need, that makes your situation harder.

But with practice and self control it will become easier to hold back these impulses, say, maybe even feelings, and not get so overwhelmed with emotion for each person coming your way, less impressed. This also may be coming with time and experience. This doesnt mean that you wont enjoy their company and discovering a person, which can become a very stimulating experience for us on the spectrum if it also becomes a special interest, but you can take it easy and instead focusing on getting them to be with you, you focus on getting experience, asking some important questions and remaining self aware of your emotions as well as the actions would need to be for what the person you're dealing with needs at that time. For most people who are interested in long term the case is they would want to wait for affection, and they would feel safe to have time to delve into it, otherwise you can be feared as an obsessed hands-on creep. People don't know who you are, they only have that date to judge you by. Thats a lot of pressure and that doesnt mean they judge who you are since they had no opportunity to know you but what you are able to portray in that date, and for some some things that are socially not well regarded are risks to take they dont want to even risk a second date for, or they may get turned off by it because of their beliefs.

Dating is very hard, but women, like dogs, can feel your frustration and lack of patience, somehow you need to regain strength and confidence and not give up to see improvement and success. Keep on working your mind and don't be discouraged with failures. You have accomplished some things and experience.

You might not be aware of this, but to take it a step further from dogs, women have developed a mechanism to make their mates stronger, which is called "testing" so whether they realize it or not, sometimes they instinctively test their partner to find "holes" in their armor. So for this you need a high mental power, patience and tolerance, to be able to successfully defuse such a stressful situation and make a woman laugh or feel good instead.

_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner. x

Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.

I never really done the dating thing with my current girlfriend or both my exes & your post OP is a perfect example of why I'm d@mn glad I never did. I woulda majorly screwed up doing the typical dating thing. All 3 of my relationships were long distance at 1st. We messaged aLOT so we were mostly doing communication with each other in the beginning. I was in my comfort zone more & we knew a bit about each other & our boundaries before we met up. We were more comfortable with asking each other things & suggesting things that way. Plus there was much less emphasis on doing activities.