Emotional Intelligence in relationships

Post Reply New Topic

Who is the guardian of emotional intelligence in your relationships (familial, romantic, friendship, etc.)? Based on current gender norms, it is the woman (or most feminine). I have read that as gender roles shift, this may change. I hope so.

I know there are people who are therapists (of both genders) that must have it as part of their jobs. Relative to a household, I wonder that there are people who homeschool their children and manage it. Perhaps with focus it's more doable?

For me, my ASD-like BFF is a woman and by some standards she is the more reserved ("masculine") one of us, but we share the responsibility of emotional labor more evenly. I can't tell with the woman in my family b/c they are borderline narcissists. With the men in my family it falls on me.

In my heterosexual (cisgendered) relationship with children, I feel the peer pressure that I (the woman) do the emotional labor and have the emotional intelligence. It amuses me to the Nth degree that a non-Autistic man (my husband) entrusts the emotional well being of his children to an Autistic woman (me). Either I'm that ok at it, or he is that conforming or lazy. Both? In my case I've had the resources and put in the work and it's going well enough (albeit I have troubles modelling assertiveness). In the case of my ASD-like mother and ASD-like grandmother it didn't go so well - they didn't have the resources or support. In all our cases, it would have gone better if it was more equally shared. In any case, it's exhausting to emotionally regulate myself... and my children... and many times my husband (as best that I can). After even the smallest incidents at breakfast time, I need to recover. It's like an all-day battle (and my kids are "well behaved" by outside observations). I am exhausted.

I'm not sure if my input counts because I rarely had any connections with any male.
Females, even one that isn't even cisgender, I'm practically surrounded with.

And do not get me started with cultural aspects on top of this.
There's even a business stereotype around this culture involving a lot of soft skills.

One of those that are even allegedly declare internationally that "You cannot be X without soft skills".
Therefore NTs cultures here do have a certain soft skill that other cultures may not easily attain.



My closest and most frequently with are practically professionals in their own right; are in jobs that do strongly required higher levels of social and emotional intelligence.

So yes, I'm also referring to my own mom -- the closest -- she's basically a politician and a counselor in her day job.
She's not one of those people with a problem that their kids had to put up with it. Unless she's ill enough...

The second one's my SPED teacher -- a psychologist and a co-owner of business.
Partially it's her job. Partially voluntary. One of the very kind of social mentor.

Third closest?? A friend overseas. A student of psychology. We're equals than at odds even if I'm younger than her.

Fourth closest is practically a nurse. It is unclear who's more of a nurturer between the two of us.

Fifth closest is a foreigner online. Most relatable as an aspie. We're more of equals than at odds even if I'm older than her.

Sixth closest would be my own sister. It's supposedly my role as the elder one, yeah? No. I epically failed this one.

Seventh was a guy online who's at least 3 years my senior.
In a paradoxical position; he's more nurturing but at the same time he has more issues than I do.


The rest?? I'm generally the a listener and someone to confide to, than a direct nurturer or someone who confides in any dynamic so far.
Or someone who's just doesn't have the mood to interact and entertain unless bored -- too aloof to go further.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I have alexithmia and stress disorders. I shut down around a lot of people so that I won't need to access or express my emotions. I'm always flooded with nameless emotions on the inside and I don't know what to do with them, so it's easier to remain stone-faced and try to act detached. It's a vicious cycle with my mother because she sees my stone-face, and assumes that I'm resilient. She'll hurl what I call "stress bombs" at me, a constant barrage of emotions, problems, and anxiety, thinking that I can handle it because I appear to be stoic. I can't handle it. I can't always self-regulate my internal tsunami. An onslaught of sympathy or empathy in reaction to her stress bombs often sends me into silent spiral mode, since I don't know how to articulate my concern. Then I'm even more stone-faced the next time I see her, and the pattern repeats. Add a heaping tablespoon of guilt to each exchange, on my part.

My kids and I are about even in terms of emotional intelligence. It's my role to care for them emotionally and to listen to their problems as they arise. In that respect I can't say I have an unfair burden, but most of the time I worry about them more than they'd ever know. They think I can handle everything because I'm their mother. I'm strong. I've seen it all. But again, I'm breaking on the inside whenever there's a problem.

My bf is a retired counsellor and he's far more emotionally literate than I am. I struggle at times to experience or even discuss some of the emotions he feels. Some of this is because of my autism but some is related to ADHD and my slower processing time. I can't really do romance or many of the subtle emotions associated with relationships. I don't pine away like some people do with their partners. We have a deep bond, nevertheless.

I have more issues around emotional regulation issues than complexes or triggers.


And observed plenty of... 'Relationships management' of various angles, sizes...


In both with my mom and the teacher -- in job they manage groups differently, they also put different roles AND fronts.

From an onlookers point of view, they're both intimidating leaders and facilitators capable of creating, hosting and managing social spaces.

And had a somewhat similar familial social duty as the eldest daughters of their respectively numbered siblings, and the matriarchal figure of their respective households.

Therefore they both got this particular role as an advisor of sorts; both professional and personal.

Even their personal lives -- but they do so differently; my mom is one of those super social extroverts with resilience.
While the teacher is a highly sensitive introvert. I figured the core differences.



In my past online life, I got the sort of same experiences and role myself.
Had tons of friends. Been the advisor. Been the mediator. Been the first person to go to and trust issues over.
Been the in-between two raging parties and play messenger or therapist.

I could easily play that role whenever I want, but I don't want it now.


And in real life... I'm too busy dealing with encumbrances to do something similar.
Too busy being overwhelmed, too confused as to how to 'manage' myself.

In other words... I would know what to do AND could do so if it weren't for emotional dysregulation and various executive functioning issues.

And I'm not usually the most willing of all parties whether or not that's the issue.




But yes.
I have a decent support system. I'm just lucky in that regard.

Too bad I'm asocial. If I wasn't, I would probably be very grateful... Or very fearful.


And if I'm in any sort of relationship...
I do not have fantasies or assumptions around it. Maybe that's why, on top of not having a real interest around it.
But others do -- so I let them define it first along with their intentions or desires, then I decide what it also meant.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I'm the most emotionally intelligent one in my relationship with my boyfriend, but not because of pressure. It's natural for me and also enjoyable.

My (ND, but not on the spectrum) long-term partner has taught me so much about emotional intelligence over the years we've been together. It takes patience and perseverance from the other party, as well as your own willingness to learn new things to be able to grasp such an intense topic like this. It took me years of learning to figuratively fall and get back up again to get to the point where I am today, and I couldn't have done it without his help because literally everyone else in my life would not even bother to help me better understand.

I can say that today that we are very close to equal when it comes to emotional intelligence, but he still holds the torch at 60% and me at 40%.