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EEngineer75
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

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Joined: 5 Aug 2019
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 180
Location: Texas

20 Aug 2021, 7:57 am

Has anyone else had experience with Imago Therapy / Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imago_therapy

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/ther ... ip-therapy
"Some research suggests that individuals with ADHD can also benefit from the development of communication, self-control, and listening skills that form the basis of Imago relationship therapy."


= = = = =

Toward the end of my marriage, my ex & I tried a therapist who got us to try an interesting conversational tool that the therapist said was part of the Imago / Hendrix method.

In my simplified understanding, the first part of the technique is like a conversation “game” with “rules” that made sense and helped me/us get to the root of inner feelings without guessing OR blaming/judging:
Part 1:
-Take turns as Sharer and Listener; limit to 1-3 sentences with NO “you” or judging language, only “Me” or “My” view language (actually the hard part)
-Listener either re-words/reflects OR just parrots back and then asks “Does that sound right?”;
-Sharer answers Yes OR Clarifies what they meant (briefly again, in 1-3 sentences);
-Listener re-words or parrots again...
-Repeat the cycle as necessary until... the Sharer agrees that Listener seems to mostly have understood, then the Listener says “Is there anything else?”
-Repeat whole cycle until ...Sharer feels they have fully communicated whatever was on their mind/chest (or a timed interval is well past)
Part 2:
-Listener attempts to re-summarize the Sharer's statements/feelings--but in the Listener's own words.
...
Part 3:
?

= = = = =

I think the above represents only 1/2 or 2/3 of the Imago process, BTW. (We didn't continue therapy more than 5~7 weeks.)

It was AMAZING to practice it by ourselves and have REAL sharing and healthy & productive communications about feelings and perspectives.

I cannot express how frustrating and even toxic (to the relationship) it was for the first 5+ years of our marriage to repeatedly attempt for us (unknown ND + NT) to think we just needed to try to “communicate more.”

If you constantly have miscommunications, misunderstandings, and misinterpreted perspectives between you both—double empathy problem?—then MORE such communication is SO painful to both parties. Even if you get to an understanding in the end, the journey has left you both with so many unintentional hurts from mis-statements and misinterpretations that ... it left me and likely my spouse rarely wanting to get into difficult conversations.

In the end, the method didn’t save our marriage, but it did quickly & politely help us clarify that we had incompatible & irreconcilable core differences in our marriage expectations. It also likely helped us see enough glimpses of the differences in each other that we could better respect and continue to be cooperative co-parents. (Although, a lot of that is also likely due to the natural patience & agreeableness of my ex.)

In summary, I think learning something like the Imago method of communication is a very ND-friendly tool for facilitating _much_ healthier, serious conversations of feelings with a close loved one. I wish we had known about it much earlier in our marriage, and I think it’ll be a must for me to learn more before and/or if I am again in any close relationship.


_________________
"Engineer type" w/ ADHD (AQ:35-40, SQ:80, EQ:11-18, FQ:24, Aspie Quiz: ND 103/200, NT 100/200)
-Fan of Dr. Russel Barkley lectures (ADHD), "How to ADHD" toolbox tips, AttentionTalkVideo, Therapy in a Nutshell, and Mark Hutten M.A. (Asperger's) channels on You Tube.