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skibum
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29 Aug 2021, 7:49 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I wasn’t speaking of total detachment, really. I meant more “respecting professional boundaries.” Like I said, I couldn’t be a therapist because of my tendency to be too emotionally involved.

Basically, Playground’s feelings aren’t wrong—but the client’s parents won’t allow her to act on them. I’m not dismissing the feelings—but she has to step back from her client in this instance.

Yes. That is why I suggested that she not have contact even if the mom wants some contact. From what the OP described, she seems to be able to have professional boundaries despite the intensity of her feelings but it's not fair to her for the mom to make contact if the child is no longer her client.


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29 Aug 2021, 8:00 am

I had a situation recently where I visited an equine therapy stable because equine therapy is something I desperately need because of my disabilities. There was one particular horse there that I strongly bonded extremely deeply with and he also connected very deeply with me.

But they would not allow me to work with him at all. The feelings of attachment that I had for him were so intense that being told that I would not be allowed to work with him was so traumatic that it caused such a severe response that when I told my therapists how I responded they were shocked. Neither of them had ever heard of this severe of a response in their entire careers. But it was so intense that I had to forbid anyone at that stable from having any contact with me at all ever again.


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playgroundlover22695
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29 Aug 2021, 7:14 pm

My issue with this situation is that I have done so much for this child in the past 3 years. His mother asked me to help him get special ed and I did that. I asked everyone else who worked with this child to send info or write Emails on his behalf. I gathered my own notes for the mother to help her get him his special ed. I've also saved the child's life a few times in school when he was feeling depressed. Then last year, I bought him gifts and helped him with his homework per the mother's request several nights a week. This child means a lot to me and I knew I couldn't see him during the summer but I was really looking forward to seeing him this fall. To have him possibly just ripped out of my life without even a proper goodbye is upsetting to me and very rude of the family. :(



skibum
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29 Aug 2021, 9:02 pm

playgroundlover22695 wrote:
My issue with this situation is that I have done so much for this child in the past 3 years. His mother asked me to help him get special ed and I did that. I asked everyone else who worked with this child to send info or write Emails on his behalf. I gathered my own notes for the mother to help her get him his special ed. I've also saved the child's life a few times in school when he was feeling depressed. Then last year, I bought him gifts and helped him with his homework per the mother's request several nights a week. This child means a lot to me and I knew I couldn't see him during the summer but I was really looking forward to seeing him this fall. To have him possibly just ripped out of my life without even a proper goodbye is upsetting to me and very rude of the family. :(
It was INCREDIBLY unfair to you.


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31 Aug 2021, 7:25 pm

I think it's fair to say that I'm sorry you feel the way you do although I would have responded to your post the same as the first couple of replies. It's likely grief that you feel and we totally do become far to invested emotionally to others that we deem valuable to us and have incredible bonding and often I'm left with tattered emotions after as people can't understand the importance of having this valued by others. Unfortunately I can see only very rarely.. others points of view. Then I'm stuck having to find space for my own emotions and how to manage them and or repair them somehow as I'm alone. I hope you are able to move on from this. Some of us can't ever move on from what happened to us and seems the only option is to end ourselves to stop the suffering.



playgroundlover22695
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31 Aug 2021, 7:29 pm

:([/quote]It was INCREDIBLY unfair to you.[/quote]

So, where do I go from here? I made a promise to this child to never give up on him, no matter what. Yes it may have been stupid of me to promise this, but I did it because I never though they'd move away. I messaged the mom to let her know that the mentorship could transfer to his new school, but she hasn't seen the message or repliec. This was a few days ago. School just started today. I was thinking in a few days maybe just messaging her to ask how he's adjusting to the new school if she'd like to share. I'm not really sure how to word it and what to say or even if she'll answer. :( My parents keep telling me to "find a new kid to tutor and mentor", but it's not that simple. It's impossible to give up on someone that you love and made a promise to, a person who trusted you.



Spunge42
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31 Aug 2021, 8:37 pm

I'm sorry you're going through all of this and I agree what most others have said. However, I'd like you to think of the mother's situation from a different perspective.

To do that I need to explain a little of my last few years. I moved home abruptly when my mom became deathly ill. We spent about 3 years in and out of hospitals and constant emergency situations every time I turned around. I forgot to contact people and lost some friends, even had family members angry with me to this day.

The mother said she had a family emergency bad enough to take her son out of school. That's pretty bad. She may be overwhelmed and barely making it through the day. It seems to me she may mean no harm, she's just at her limit with what she can deal with. And I assure you in those situations everything else becomes a secondary or tertiary priority etc.

All I'm saying is, I don't think she meant to hurt you. I don't know her situation but if it's anything like mine.... I would have forgotten to contact you. Sorry if that's hard to swallow but reality is difficult for everyone. Maybe asking if she needs help would be better. Sometimes a kind word towards the caregiver goes a long way. Because everyone always overlooks the state a caregiver or a mom is in.

Just food for thought. I hope that helps. I really don't think her intention was malicious from what you said.


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31 Aug 2021, 9:08 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
skibum wrote:
It is perfectly OK for you to feel what you feel. I have felt this exact thing so many times even with children when I was their swim instructor. What you are feeling and the intensity at which you feel it is normal for people like us. You will not be able to get over it and move on quickly. But that is OK.

You do need to let them go though. If you don't, people who don't understand this level of bonding will be creeped out and think you are a stalker and you could even get arrested. So be careful. You don't want to contact them again. Even if the mom says you can keep in touch, I don't reccomend it. That's not fair to you. It's too painful.

Don't contact them but allow yourself to go through the grieving process. You can write letters about how you feel and then burn them. That will help you release the energy and emotions and then let them go into the universe so that they are not stuck inside you. I have found that process to be very therapeutic. If you don't want to burn them, you can find another way to release them to the universe. You can use biodegradable eco safe paper and ink and make a paper boat of the letters and float them down a river. Or make confetti out of them and release them to the wind. Or just cry out and scream in a type of prayer. Find whatever works for you to be able to feel those emotions completely and then release them.

Many people will tell you to find a distraction or to just move on. I have never found those things to work because what I feel is just way too intense. It's not possible to be distracted or to move on. You have to move the energy and release it. If you just try to move on or be distracted, that energy won't flow. It will stay stuck in you and the pain will be unbearable. You are not some creepy stalker. You are a very highly sensitive and in tune person who feels deeply, loves deeply and genuinely in the purest way, and who bonds and cares deeply. That is why this separation is so painful.


Beautifully written, skibum. You have such a way with words.


Totally agree,!



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31 Aug 2021, 10:18 pm

playgroundlover22695 wrote:

So, where do I go from here? I made a promise to this child to never give up on him, no matter what. Yes it may have been stupid of me to promise this, but I did it because I never though they'd move away. I messaged the mom to let her know that the mentorship could transfer to his new school, but she hasn't seen the message or repliec. This was a few days ago. School just started today. I was thinking in a few days maybe just messaging her to ask how he's adjusting to the new school if she'd like to share. I'm not really sure how to word it and what to say or even if she'll answer. :( My parents keep telling me to "find a new kid to tutor and mentor", but it's not that simple. It's impossible to give up on someone that you love and made a promise to, a person who trusted you.


Your devotion to him was wonderful, and I'm sure his life is better because you were in it. (Notice that I'm using the past tense.) You didn't give up on him, nor did you lie to him--the situation just changed. Though it might be harder than you'd like, and might take longer, you can shift that mindset to accept the new reality.

I think assuming that his family would never move is a big factor in your grief right now. Obviously, his mom's seeming indifference or rejection hurts a lot too. Maybe she doesn't realize how much you cared, or maybe she just needs to move on, herself. Her (and her son's) transition could be taking up a lot of time and energy, and she may have a hard time knowing how (or if) to reply. Let it be; the healing you need and deserve won't come from her.

Perhaps you can make things easier the next time around with different expectations: be very conscious that parents don't always realize or appreciate how much teachers and mentors do, and even if they somehow do, they won't return that energy and love in kind. For one thing, it's not really possible, and for another, giving is "just" part of the job, after all. Also keep in mind that (obviously) every relationship will end, one way or another, no matter how much you've put into it or how much you'd prefer it didn't. Remind yourself of that--gently if need be, but regularly--and trust that you'll get through it by and by.

You have a long career ahead of you, and much to give--to many children. Share the love, and take care of yourself.



skibum
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02 Sep 2021, 3:08 pm

Spunge42 wrote:
I'm sorry you're going through all of this and I agree what most others have said. However, I'd like you to think of the mother's situation from a different perspective.

To do that I need to explain a little of my last few years. I moved home abruptly when my mom became deathly ill. We spent about 3 years in and out of hospitals and constant emergency situations every time I turned around. I forgot to contact people and lost some friends, even had family members angry with me to this day.

The mother said she had a family emergency bad enough to take her son out of school. That's pretty bad. She may be overwhelmed and barely making it through the day. It seems to me she may mean no harm, she's just at her limit with what she can deal with. And I assure you in those situations everything else becomes a secondary or tertiary priority etc.

All I'm saying is, I don't think she meant to hurt you. I don't know her situation but if it's anything like mine.... I would have forgotten to contact you. Sorry if that's hard to swallow but reality is difficult for everyone. Maybe asking if she needs help would be better. Sometimes a kind word towards the caregiver goes a long way. Because everyone always overlooks the state a caregiver or a mom is in.

Just food for thought. I hope that helps. I really don't think her intention was malicious from what you said.
That is a great point.


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skibum
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02 Sep 2021, 3:14 pm

playgroundlover22695 wrote:
:(
It was INCREDIBLY unfair to you.[/quote]

So, where do I go from here? I made a promise to this child to never give up on him, no matter what. Yes it may have been stupid of me to promise this, but I did it because I never though they'd move away. I messaged the mom to let her know that the mentorship could transfer to his new school, but she hasn't seen the message or repliec. This was a few days ago. School just started today. I was thinking in a few days maybe just messaging her to ask how he's adjusting to the new school if she'd like to share. I'm not really sure how to word it and what to say or even if she'll answer. :( My parents keep telling me to "find a new kid to tutor and mentor", but it's not that simple. It's impossible to give up on someone that you love and made a promise to, a person who trusted you.[/quote]Not contacting them is not synonymous with giving up on him nor does it have to be. The bond you made is real and even if you never see him or speak to him again, the energy between you can always be there. Thinking about him with love and care, keeping energy of hope and closeness and encouragement and support in your heart for him is extremely powerful. He will receive that energy and it will help you balance out. That is how you can keep supporting him without ever having the need for actual contact. I have done that with some of my students and when I heard from their parents years later, I was so happy to know how well they had grown and how I had played such an important part in that.

Just because you are not together in person does not mean that the energy is broken. It will always be there and it is very powerful. :heart:


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02 Sep 2021, 3:16 pm

playgroundlover22695 wrote:
:(
It was INCREDIBLY unfair to you.[/quote]

So, where do I go from here? I made a promise to this child to never give up on him, no matter what. Yes it may have been stupid of me to promise this, but I did it because I never though they'd move away. I messaged the mom to let her know that the mentorship could transfer to his new school, but she hasn't seen the message or repliec. This was a few days ago. School just started today. I was thinking in a few days maybe just messaging her to ask how he's adjusting to the new school if she'd like to share. I'm not really sure how to word it and what to say or even if she'll answer. :( My parents keep telling me to "find a new kid to tutor and mentor", but it's not that simple. It's impossible to give up on someone that you love and made a promise to, a person who trusted you.[/quote]I am sorry for duplicating. The site will not allow me to x or edit a post. But I wanted to fix the format so I had to post again.

Not contacting them is not synonymous with giving up on him nor does it have to be. The bond you made is real and even if you never see him or speak to him again, the energy between you can always be there. Thinking about him with love and care, keeping energy of hope and closeness and encouragement and support in your heart for him is extremely powerful. He will receive that energy and it will help you balance out. That is how you can keep supporting him without ever having the need for actual contact. I have done that with some of my students and when I heard from their parents years later, I was so happy to know how well they had grown and how I had played such an important part in that.

Just because you are not together in person does not mean that the energy is broken. It will always be there and it is very powerful. :heart:


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skibum
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02 Sep 2021, 3:18 pm

Sorry guys, don't understand what happened with the format on that last post. I tried twice.

Here is just my response.

Not contacting them is not synonymous with giving up on him nor does it have to be. The bond you made is real and even if you never see him or speak to him again, the energy between you can always be there. Thinking about him with love and care, keeping energy of hope and closeness and encouragement and support in your heart for him is extremely powerful. He will receive that energy and it will help you balance out. That is how you can keep supporting him without ever having the need for actual contact. I have done that with some of my students and when I heard from their parents years later, I was so happy to know how well they had grown and how I had played such an important part in that.

Just because you are not together in person does not mean that the energy is broken. It will always be there and it is very powerful. :heart:


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