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Minuteman
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28 Aug 2021, 6:07 pm

I was in a conversation with three other people ... or actually, three people were having a conversation and I was also there.

Pre-diagnosis, I would feel very self-conscious about the fact that I was the only one not contributing to the conversation. And inevitably I would feel the need to get involved and I would wind up saying something off topic or incredibly stupid.

But this time, I stayed quiet the whole time and let the other three talk. And I didn't feel out of place. It was the first time in the two years since my diagnosis that I felt comfortable in my new skin. I didn't feel an obligation to take part in a conversation that I didn't really want to contribute to. And I was not the least bit upset and didn't spend time Monday Morning Quarterbacking myself.

As for what the others thought of me, it didn't matter. One knew me and knew of my diagnosis. The other two I had never met before and will probably never meet again.



timf
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30 Aug 2021, 6:15 am

Being on a conversational sideline can also serve a purpose. I have been in more business meetings than I care to remember. Occasionally I would observe two people who thought that they had come to an agreement when neither one actually understood the difference in what they thought.

I found that as the meeting was breaking up. I could ask a question to which both people would look at me as if I were an idiot. As they attempted to explain and resolve my apparent ignorance, then they would both discover that they were not in agreement. Quickly I was forgotten as their own conversation would take center stage.

If I had attempted to offer my observation that they were not in agreement, I would have been ignored. There can be value in being the observer. Most people like to transmit. Competition for conversational transmit time can be brutal. This increases the value of the receiver.



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01 Sep 2021, 11:43 am

There were tests in which autistic people were observed being really happy and enjoying each others presence without actually interacting. Just being in the same room playing by themselves proved they were actually connecting to each other, and when their caretakers came and took them away from the room they started crying. They wanted to be near each other and found it fulfilling and valuable. They could form an attachment through presence alone.


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dirac
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15 Sep 2021, 8:34 am

Minuteman wrote:
... I would wind up saying something off topic or incredibly stupid.

I think "off-topic" and "incredibly stupid" are vague and matters of personal judgment. What seems incredibly stupid is more likely something that most of the other people in the conversation don't agree with or don't understand. I don't think you are wrong for saying something that caused them to react this way, it is just that you didn't expect to get that reaction.

I think conversations can be challenging because one person (me often, or maybe you too) tends to think differently than the other people in the conversation. It seems possible that neurodiverse people may have the trouble that, first, we think about things differently (this can be a great strength), but also we struggle with things like theory of mind, so we might not realize that our thinking is different until we voice a thought and it is met with an unexpected reaction.

I am trying to get better at observing and listening and reflecting. I feel a strong desire to join in, but I would probably learn more by listening and actively trying to understand the others. It is hard to do this because as the conversation progresses I have an increasing desire simply to be heard. But I think it will help to repeatedly ask myself, "what useful information can I gain by listening and observing these people."

Rexi wrote:
Competition for conversational transmit time can be brutal.

Yes it can.


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