The Experience of Having No Relationship Experience

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I think it can be hard for people who don't have this problem to really understand why it can be such a distressing situation for some who do.

My intention with this post is to start a dialogue about this situation, how it can affect individuals who experience it, and the effects it can have on one's thought process and approach as it relates to dating.

I think a lot of autistic people have a general feeling of not fitting in, being rejected, being different from most of society. Many struggle with making friends and deepening social connections, and many have adverse histories with being bullied, being negatively singled out, not being accepted.

Most people have some desire to become romantically involved, and that desire is often strong. I think when you combine that perpetually unfulfilled desire with a general sense of not fitting in and being rejected, it can create a deep-seated feeling of inferiority and loneliness. You're forced to wonder why it seems so easy for others to connect, but you consistently struggle. Others' social and romantic success is paraded around so much that you can't escape reminders of it, and you have to accept that (at least temporary) romantic success is the norm, and you're the outlier who can't establish any such success.

This predictably leads you to question what it is about you that is so inferior that establishing a romantic relationship is impossible. It's quite understandable for one who's never or scarcely been able to date to get the impression that they must be physically unattractive/hideous-looking. That might not even be true, but in lieu of contradictory evidence, if nobody is showing any kind of romantic interest, how is one meant to be assured otherwise? Even if people you know offer reassurance, it just comes across as lip service and does little to dispel the notion if nobody's actually showing any interest in you.

When you've had an interest in establishing a romantic relationship for so long and you've never been able to, the longer things drag on like that, the more you lose hope. If you've wanted to establish a romantic relationship for 10 years and you've never even gotten close to it, it becomes difficult to justify being hopeful about it happening in the next 10 years. It becomes challenging to make sense of why anything should improve when the desire to date has been present and unfulfilled for so long.

And if it will never improve, what does that mean for your life? You'll never have a partner? You'll be old and alone? You'll miss out on dating in your prime and won't have those kinds of experiences you really care about? You'll just have to accept a perpetual lack of physical and sexual intimacy unless you're willing to pay for it? All the while you're incapable of shielding yourself from reminders of others' romantic success (which naturally trigger you to think about your lack thereof). That paints a pretty bleak picture of your future if romantic/sexual intimacy is something you care a lot about getting to experience. It also makes it hard not to feel like a victim, in that you're barred from having experiences that the majority of people get to have, that are pivotal to the human experience, and you feel powerless to do anything about it.

When you've wanted to establish a romantic relationship for so long and have not been able to, it casts doubt over your ability to attract a member of the sex you're attracted to. With a long history of being unable to establish a romantic relationship, and thus a perceived inability to do so, comes the notion that it might just be impossible. If it's impossible; if nobody you're interested in can want to be with you romantically, why even try? Failure becomes a forgone conclusion, and as such, it makes sense to withdraw and give up, but that of course leads to fewer opportunities to meet people and thus, a lower likelihood of your romantic situation improving, which only serves to reinforce the notion that you're just not good enough for somebody to be romantically interested in.

Ultimately, I think the effect this can have on someone is comparable to body dysmorphia, but instead of looking in the mirror and always seeing yourself as overweight when that might not be true, you see yourself as someone that nobody could be romantically interested in when that might not be true.

I think the only way to get someone out of this cycle is to contradict the idea that nobody can view them as a romantic prospect, but that's not always easy or feasible to achieve. Otherwise, I'm not sure how you can get through to somebody in this situation that it is actually possible for them to find someone who could like them, when their life experience suggests that's not the case.

There's probably more I could add to this post, but I think I've covered the most pertinent aspects. I think people who've experienced this will relate to what I'm saying, and for those who haven't, I hope that I've done a satisfactory job of illustrating some of the inner thought processes that can come with finding oneself in this situation that can make this so hard to endure.

I'll be interested to see what people have to add, or to say about this subject in general, and the points I've made here.

Thanks for reading.

I've defiantly felt like the relationship loser in this scenario when I was trying desperately for 8 years without so much as a single date. I kept getting told the typical clueshay stuff that came across to me as major belittling. It also did NOT help that the people who were acting supportive at 1st, very quickly got tired & frustrated with me & they basically accused me of being an attention seeker who was only wanting to complain instead of actually solving my dilemma. Getting told that I was responsible for my crummy situation only made me feel worse about it. I was doing the very best that I could & it seemed very few people actually cared or realized that. What helped me feel a little better was people listening who seemed to really care & understand the situation I was in. I was not really wanting somebody to just listen & coddle me, that's why I quit seeing my therapist & getting counseling. I wanted help actually solving my problem instead of just getting a figurative pat on my back & told things just meant to make me feel better. I was much more receptive to ideas that I hadn't tried much that seemed like things I could realistically apply in my situation & might would be successful. I sometimes(or lots of times) sounded like I was arguing & was against anything outside the box but I was really analyzing things & trying to figure out how I could apply it & make it work for me. I was not just being dismissive of everything thou others assumed I was which of corse made them frustrated with me very fast. This is why I really like the WP community, NTs just don't get it & what works for them does not work for me.

I like the way you phrased this. It applies not only to love and dating, but MANY facets of an Aspie's life that well-meaning NTs can't understand, including getting/keeping a job, and getting promoted; being able to make friends and connections; avoiding misunderstandings and the whole slew of interpersonal problems and hostility from otherwise "nice" people. NTs just can't fathom these problems because they don't experience them to the degree that we do. Inevitably, their tendency to "blame the victim" will come into play. In some ways, they're reaffirming our difficult truth and contributing to the problem without realizing it.

This is an experience iv'e had as a guy who's perpetually single and i'm sure other guys have as well. Sometimes i'll go on Facebook and all of my Facebook friends that I knew from high school and college are getting into relationship after relationship. I've known plenty of hot girls who will date a guy, break up with him, and then date someone new within a couple months. Meanwhile, I struggle to even find a girl who likes me back.

It got to the point where I had to delete my main Facebook account. Seeing everybody I knew getting into relationships, and even getting married, just made me feel like crap.

I want a relationship, but I struggle and don't enjoy being in one - it's like touching a fire, it's unbearable. I can't shake off the idea that the girl doesn't like me due to me not making eye contact, talking, moving, and reacting normally or saying emotionally and situationally appropriate things. I'm very conscious of the girl's expectation of me dropping and disappointing her by being odd and unfriendly and unconnected like NTs in a relationship. Having undesirable personality characteristics is a self perpetuating cycle as being aware of these tendencies only manifests them more. Once your testosterone and youthful energy start to wane, it becomes annoying, as women stop noticing you and look at you differently. That just might be the reality. I'm sure people can take action like exercise, dress up, eat healthy, invest into looking sexy and being sexy. It's certainly a mind challenge.

This is exactly why I much rather be with women who aren't normal. People who have various so-called issues & problems can sometimes be aLOT more accepting & understanding of others who do even if their issues & problems are very different. Besides nobody is perfect & people who act like they are or expect their partners to be are full of themselves.

I've been alone for 24 years. Then I had a relationship for a year. Then I was alone for a few years. So I feel both sides. I know what it's like to be a socially awkward Aspie who wonders if they'll ever find a relationship. But I also have a taste of what a relationship is like.

No, it doesn't mean you're hopeless. But it means you need to change your routine and habits. Because what you've been doing with your free time hasn't been conducive to meeting a partner.

Go out places. Try new interests and hobbies. Find new social circles. Meet new people. Make friends and see if those friends can introduce you to people.



This is not true. People love lives don't automatically go down the drain once they hit 40. People are entering in relationships at any age. Many people have better relationships when they get older because they're more mature, better at communicating and know what they want.

This low confidence and attitude that it's hopeless is part of what's holding you back. I'm not saying the solution is kind words and motivational talk: that may make you feel good for the moment but they fade away.

What truly builds your confidence organically is your actions and life experiences. And if you haven't been getting that out of your current routine, then you need to change it somehow.

I've only been in one relationship which lasted 8 months, and she was a blazing narcissist and highly toxic for my emotions. I was 31 at the time. I am 40 now, and to date, she has been my only relationship.

This thread encapsulates perfectly how I feel about this subject. I’m the same age as the OP, and have never had a serious relationship. I would rather be with a fellow Autistic than a NT, since I feel like I’d be able to be myself more with a fellow Autistic. I don’t even know if being in a relationship is right for me, but I won’t know for sure until I’ve gotten to experience one.

I have tried a few things to meet more Autistic folk, such as co-founding my university’s disability advocacy organization and attempting to create a splinter group specifically for neurodiverse folks (I couldn’t garner enough interest since there was no easy way to find other ND/Autistic people on campus), and forming a small social group for young adult Autistics in my city, but so far I haven’t met anyone I connect with in that way, or whose interests line up with mine well enough. I don’t want to say I’m getting desperate, but I’m not getting any younger.

I recently cut a toxic (Autistic) friend out of my life, who, despite looking like a blond, acne ridden Harvey Weinstein, managed to get through four girlfriends in about 5 years, all of whom were also Autistic. To be clear, his romantic life is not the reason I cut him out of my life, he is also a major narcissist.

I honestly feel like the only Autistics who don’t struggle to find relationships are a) conventionally attractive women and b) LGBTQ+ folk, the latter due to the fact that nearly every college/university (at least here in the states, can’t speak for other countries) seems to have at least two LGBTQ+ student organizations.

I've never had one at all and I just turned 30 on the 4th. Which makes me think a lot about whether or not I'm meant to be with someone or single or if i'm just mean to always be by myself.