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boyfriend always touching me

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snackamigo
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06 Sep 2021, 11:48 am

Hi. I got into a relationship sort of recently with a NT guy and he is wonderful and cool and sweet. However, he always wants to touch me, and when he touches me it hurts. He's not TRYING to hurt me, he is just touching me like normal people do; lightly stroking my skin, touching me as we walk by each other, stuff like that. Even thinking about it to type it up here makes me feel like I'm going to puke/scream. I told him about my sensitivities and how much it hurts but he isn't able to stop I guess. It seems like something that's really important to him, which I understand because people want that in relationships I guess. I've had meltdowns every time we hang out because of the constant bombardment. I have to break up with him because of this. I'm just really sad and I wanted to tell somebody who might understand. Thankyou for listening. I know he's just trying to be affectionate but it's so, so painful. I am also always in pain because of medical problems and then this sensory nightmare of him lightly touching me makes me break down sobbing all the time. I hope anyone can understand and also relate to that sad feeling of meeting someone and everything going very well but being unable to partner with them because they don't understand what it's like. I wish I was normal so I could be with him. But I guess I'll go back to doing my math classes.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great day.



Joe90
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06 Sep 2021, 12:01 pm

Us Aspies are always lectured about respecting other people's wishes, so NTs should be the same to us. If you've already told him that it hurts to be touched then he should understand.

I can't really give you much advice because I'm the opposite to you, I like being touched constantly by my boyfriend and I'm always touching him. In fact I beg for him to touch me because it calms my nerves to be touched. Even just writing it in this post makes me really crave a nice massage or gentle touch on my body. Looooovelyyy...


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kraftiekortie
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06 Sep 2021, 12:25 pm

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I would get an article about sensory sensitivity in autism. This might help him understand you better.



Muse933277
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06 Sep 2021, 1:23 pm

Everybody has different needs in a relationship. And let's be honest, for a lot of people, sex and physical intimacy is very important for them. It sounds to me like your boyfriend's primary love language is physical touch and since you can't express your love this way for him (due to your sensitivities), it's causing a strain in the relationship.


I don't know if you're asexual or have a low sex drive as well but if this applies to you, then try to date someone who is also asexual or has a low libido. Asexuals don't pair well together with high sex drive individuals because the person with the high sex drive will eventually get frustrated about not having any sex.



Mona Pereth
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06 Sep 2021, 2:15 pm

snackamigo wrote:
Hi. I got into a relationship sort of recently with a NT guy and he is wonderful and cool and sweet. However, he always wants to touch me, and when he touches me it hurts. He's not TRYING to hurt me, he is just touching me like normal people do; lightly stroking my skin, touching me as we walk by each other, stuff like that. Even thinking about it to type it up here makes me feel like I'm going to puke/scream. I told him about my sensitivities and how much it hurts but he isn't able to stop I guess. It seems like something that's really important to him, which I understand because people want that in relationships I guess. I've had meltdowns every time we hang out because of the constant bombardment. I have to break up with him because of this. I'm just really sad and I wanted to tell somebody who might understand. Thankyou for listening. I know he's just trying to be affectionate but it's so, so painful. I am also always in pain because of medical problems and then this sensory nightmare of him lightly touching me makes me break down sobbing all the time. I hope anyone can understand and also relate to that sad feeling of meeting someone and everything going very well but being unable to partner with them because they don't understand what it's like. I wish I was normal so I could be with him. But I guess I'll go back to doing my math classes.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great day.

You mention "light" touch being a problem. What about firmer touch? Also, are some parts of your body more touch-sensitive than others?

Would it be feasible to ask him to (1) confine touching to certain parts of your body, (2) make it a firm touch not a light touch, and/or (3) tell you before he touches you?

Is it possible that you could come up with specific ways for him to touch you that don't feel bad and may even feel good?

I've always been fussy about what parts of my body get touched and how.


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Kitty4670
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06 Sep 2021, 6:28 pm

Too bad this can be a problem in relationships. I wonder if I ever get a boyfriend, I hope touching won’t hurt me, although I don’t like it when my dad hug me or my grandmother hug me, it doesn’t hurt. Maybe things are different with boyfriends than family members. I seem to talk better with guys than my family members & some of my NT friends.



enz
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06 Sep 2021, 6:56 pm

if he wont listen when you say it hurts you probably should move on



snackamigo
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06 Sep 2021, 11:20 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
snackamigo wrote:
Hi. I got into a relationship sort of recently with a NT guy and he is wonderful and cool and sweet. However, he always wants to touch me, and when he touches me it hurts. He's not TRYING to hurt me, he is just touching me like normal people do; lightly stroking my skin, touching me as we walk by each other, stuff like that. Even thinking about it to type it up here makes me feel like I'm going to puke/scream. I told him about my sensitivities and how much it hurts but he isn't able to stop I guess. It seems like something that's really important to him, which I understand because people want that in relationships I guess. I've had meltdowns every time we hang out because of the constant bombardment. I have to break up with him because of this. I'm just really sad and I wanted to tell somebody who might understand. Thankyou for listening. I know he's just trying to be affectionate but it's so, so painful. I am also always in pain because of medical problems and then this sensory nightmare of him lightly touching me makes me break down sobbing all the time. I hope anyone can understand and also relate to that sad feeling of meeting someone and everything going very well but being unable to partner with them because they don't understand what it's like. I wish I was normal so I could be with him. But I guess I'll go back to doing my math classes.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great day.

You mention "light" touch being a problem. What about firmer touch? Also, are some parts of your body more touch-sensitive than others?

Would it be feasible to ask him to (1) confine touching to certain parts of your body, (2) make it a firm touch not a light touch, and/or (3) tell you before he touches you?

Is it possible that you could come up with specific ways for him to touch you that don't feel bad and may even feel good?

I've always been fussy about what parts of my body get touched and how.


Thankyou. Hello! I told him how to touch me and also sent him a good article about touch sensitivity which he read. And we talked about it. But apparently he is not able to actually touch me in the way I prefer for very long--he just goes back to how he is normally inclined to touch people. On that note I feel sorry for any dogs he may have ever pet because when I said "pet me like I'm a dog you really like" it was still just like butterflies touching my hair (and this hurt/agitated me). Your ideas are very good. At the risk of sounding selfish, I hope the next person I try to date is better at accommodating me.



snackamigo
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06 Sep 2021, 11:22 pm

Thankyou everyone. This has been so helpful for me. Obviously I don't post much here at all but yeah I have noone to talk to in my life who might understand me. Thanks.



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07 Sep 2021, 3:46 am

snackamigo wrote:
Hi. I got into a relationship sort of recently with a NT guy and he is wonderful and cool and sweet. However, he always wants to touch me, and when he touches me it hurts. He's not TRYING to hurt me, he is just touching me like normal people do; lightly stroking my skin, touching me as we walk by each other, stuff like that. Even thinking about it to type it up here makes me feel like I'm going to puke/scream. I told him about my sensitivities and how much it hurts but he isn't able to stop I guess. It seems like something that's really important to him, which I understand because people want that in relationships I guess. I've had meltdowns every time we hang out because of the constant bombardment. I have to break up with him because of this. I'm just really sad and I wanted to tell somebody who might understand. Thankyou for listening. I know he's just trying to be affectionate but it's so, so painful. I am also always in pain because of medical problems and then this sensory nightmare of him lightly touching me makes me break down sobbing all the time. I hope anyone can understand and also relate to that sad feeling of meeting someone and everything going very well but being unable to partner with them because they don't understand what it's like. I wish I was normal so I could be with him. But I guess I'll go back to doing my math classes.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great day.


Your sensitivity problem sounds odd to me.

Does anyone on this website have the same?



Pepe
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07 Sep 2021, 3:48 am

snackamigo wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
snackamigo wrote:
Hi. I got into a relationship sort of recently with a NT guy and he is wonderful and cool and sweet. However, he always wants to touch me, and when he touches me it hurts. He's not TRYING to hurt me, he is just touching me like normal people do; lightly stroking my skin, touching me as we walk by each other, stuff like that. Even thinking about it to type it up here makes me feel like I'm going to puke/scream. I told him about my sensitivities and how much it hurts but he isn't able to stop I guess. It seems like something that's really important to him, which I understand because people want that in relationships I guess. I've had meltdowns every time we hang out because of the constant bombardment. I have to break up with him because of this. I'm just really sad and I wanted to tell somebody who might understand. Thankyou for listening. I know he's just trying to be affectionate but it's so, so painful. I am also always in pain because of medical problems and then this sensory nightmare of him lightly touching me makes me break down sobbing all the time. I hope anyone can understand and also relate to that sad feeling of meeting someone and everything going very well but being unable to partner with them because they don't understand what it's like. I wish I was normal so I could be with him. But I guess I'll go back to doing my math classes.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great day.

You mention "light" touch being a problem. What about firmer touch? Also, are some parts of your body more touch-sensitive than others?

Would it be feasible to ask him to (1) confine touching to certain parts of your body, (2) make it a firm touch not a light touch, and/or (3) tell you before he touches you?

Is it possible that you could come up with specific ways for him to touch you that don't feel bad and may even feel good?

I've always been fussy about what parts of my body get touched and how.


Thankyou. Hello! I told him how to touch me and also sent him a good article about touch sensitivity which he read. And we talked about it. But apparently he is not able to actually touch me in the way I prefer for very long--he just goes back to how he is normally inclined to touch people. On that note I feel sorry for any dogs he may have ever pet because when I said "pet me like I'm a dog you really like" it was still just like butterflies touching my hair (and this hurt/agitated me). Your ideas are very good. At the risk of sounding selfish, I hope the next person I try to date is better at accommodating me.


Good luck. 8)



Pepe
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07 Sep 2021, 3:49 am

enz wrote:
if he wont listen when you say it hurts you probably should move on


Agreed.



Pepe
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07 Sep 2021, 3:51 am

Muse933277 wrote:
Everybody has different needs in a relationship. And let's be honest, for a lot of people, sex and physical intimacy is very important for them. It sounds to me like your boyfriend's primary love language is physical touch and since you can't express your love this way for him (due to your sensitivities), it's causing a strain in the relationship.


I don't know if you're asexual or have a low sex drive as well but if this applies to you, then try to date someone who is also asexual or has a low libido. Asexuals don't pair well together with high sex drive individuals because the person with the high sex drive will eventually get frustrated about not having any sex.


I don't see a future, here. 8)



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12 Sep 2021, 4:22 pm

Does he understand the fact that you have medical issues?

If he won't listen to you, break up with him and move on.


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18 Sep 2021, 7:43 am

Pepe wrote:

Your sensitivity problem sounds odd to me.

Does anyone on this website have the same?


Absolutely. My ability to tolerate light touch seems to fluctuate with stress and hormones, but I definitely experience this. My husband knows that if I grab his hand and press it towards/against me (when he attempts to touch me somewhere) that I don't want to be touched lightly. He can either hug me or press against me (or put his legs or arms on top of me for deep pressure) in these instances. I often can't verbalize what I need, so this is a cue that we have agreed on. It feels like HELL to be touched lightly sometimes. Physical pain. Note: I also have chronic health issues that contribute to this issue.

My husband is the type that loves to caress my face and touch my hair, and sometimes I just CAN'T DEAL WITH IT. He's been very patient and respectful about it, and we have simply found other ways to be affectionate.


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