Why People Date Jerks

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There's a misconception men have that women prefer jerks over good guys.

There's a thing called lovebombing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bombing.

This is when a manipulative person is initially nice and extremely nice to their partner as an act to build their trust, but then they change and become the opposite once the person is in love with them.

Before you judging someone for being in a relationship with a jerk, keep in mind that person wasn't a jerk when they first started dating them.

A lot of women do decide to be in relationships with men who act nice to them. It's just that a portion of those men change once they are in a relationship.

Informative.

I had no idea either my ex's were jerks until we were together. One of them even hid behind the aspie label for their behavior so I tried to be understanding and tolerant.

Usually, jerks don't go around wearing a t-shirt that says, "I am a jerk."

Abusers are often subtle and manipulative with their tactics until it's too late, and, by that time, it may not always be possible to "just leave."

Also, individuals may come from a background where they were abused as children/teens, and may not have the ability to recognize abuse. A victim of abuse should never be blamed for the abuse they suffered (and that goes for both men and women).

This is why my first wife -- an abusive, bigoted, bipolar drunk -- seemed normal to me when we first met.  She was a lot like my father.

Exactly. And I'm sorry you went through that.

The hell you say!

This thread makes me think of a song called Princes & Frogs by the pop group Superchick. The guys sang this one




All princes start as frogs
and all gentlemen as dogs
Just wait 'til it's plain to see
What we're growing up to be
'Cause some frogs will still be frogs
and some dogs will still be dogs
And some boys could become men
Just don't kiss us 'til then!

You hate men is what you say
and I understand why you feel that way
All girls dream of a fairy tale
But what you've got is like a used car salesman
trying to consume what's wrong
behind the smile and the song
And I'm not saying boys are not like that
But I think you should know
that some of us will grow.

Because
All princes start as frogs and all gentlemen as dogs
Just wait 'til its plain to see
what we're growing up to be
'Cause some frogs will still be frogs
and some dogs will still be dogs
but some boys will become men
just don't kiss us til then!

You found him is what you said
and we all want you to feel that way
The frog you've got seems cute enough to kiss
And maybe frogs seems like thats all there is
And just because you haven't found your prince yet
doesn't mean you're not a princess
And what if your prince comes riding in
while you're kissing the frog
What's he gonna think then?
So look into his eyes
are you a princess or a fly?

All princes start as frogs and all gentlemen as dogs
Just wait 'til its plain to see
what we're growing up to be
'Cause some frogs will still be frogs
and some dogs will still be dogs
but some boys will become men
just don't kiss us til then!

Yep. Furthermore, abusive relationships commonly go through a cycle in which, after a violent or otherwise abusive episode, the abuser gets really nice again for a while, until tensions start to build again.

Has anyone considered the element of "Triggering Events"?

Very good point Pepe. Us Aspies tend to have lots of characteristics that can be considered a$$holeish abusive behavior from a certain point of view like shutdowns, meltdowns, not being affectionate, not being emotionally supportive, being demanding about routine & predictability, being too direct & saying the wrong things, having special needs like sensory issues that can overwhelm us, being demanding about sex or the other extreme of refusing to have sex, ect ect. Most of us are good people who want to do right by others but we are very often misunderstood & misjudged. It is very common for our romantic partners & other close family in our lives to get very frustrated with us sometimes & if they were to talk about it with their family & friends when they are having a difficult time, we would be painted in a very negative light.

My current girlfriend had gone a long time without getting or seeking any medical treatment before we moved in together & she has lots of various mental & physical health issues that were made worse due to her not getting treatment. I encouraged her to get treatment after we moved in together because I love her & worry about her. Her medical professionals were very concerned at 1st about me being abusive & her being depressed because of our relationship. She had been majorly depressed since she was a tween & nobody had encouraged her to get help. She also complains about things alot & most of the time when she talks to me about her family she is complaining about them. Most of the time when she talks to one family member about another family member she is complaining about them. & most of the time when she talks to her family about me she is complaining about me. She majorly loves her family & me & is very close to us all but she does not know how to set boundaries & then when her limit gets crossed enough, she then takes it out on us even though she did not give us a warning so we did not know, & she will complain about it to the rest of us. Thankfully her medical professionals quickly realized that she has a very hard time asserting herself & I'm trying my best to be supportive. I have WAY more than my fair share of faults & issues as well & I know very well that I can be extremely difficult to put up with sometimes. None of us are perfect after all. My point is that it can sometimes be difficult to tell who is really an abusive jerk & who is trying their best. Even NTs can have a majorly hard time telling the difference with their fellow NTs, look at the legal system for TONS of examples with victim blaming.

Well sure seems you should get your unhappieness under control for sure most women do not want to date a human squirrel.but I guess I also don't believe in the idea of beig such a horrible presence that it forces your S.O into things. Like idk I see me and my boyfriennd as a team not ememies at odds with each other. Like sorry some people think a relationship is about fighting and conflicts well its not and if you conflict with your partner more often than not maybe it is time to do a break up and go for someone else if you don't like the girl you are with enough. But also does not mean you should keep leading women on when you have no intention of actually being in a relationship, maybe at least be more honest on that part. Getting sex from a girl who wasn't really into one night stands, does not actally make yo look better.

And maybe not all women think themselvs perfect and get annoyed by the idea we all subscribe to the same book of attractiveness where we have some specific code of what is too ugly to date and we are conspiring to withhold sex from deserving incels who just want a woman to use without considering that the woman is a person to. Why is that so hard to understand that incels just want women to be sex objects, they don't actually want a relationship...they just want someone to be a whore for them and will accept nothing less.

For every adult woman who likes jerks, there's an adult man who "likes" unstable and selfish psycho women. Some people are easy to manipulate, and may choose to ignore red flags. Aspie men often get burned by BPD women, aspie women often get burned by sociopath men.

errr , sorry about that last post I made in here it was no good for this thread. I admit I got more than tipsy and was looking at that incel thread at the same time as this one and got them mixed up. And to nick007 your post was well written and good, I don't know why I quoted it to make my off topic nonsense post.

It's kewl I thought it may of been something like that


My girlfriend is probably on the boarder of having BPD but there's lots of other stuff going on with her including having lots of autism symptoms. I was actually diagnosed with BPD & Aspergers when I had a mental breakdown at 20 over my 1st relationship falling apart but I highly doubt that I would get the BPD label nowadays by any halfway decent psychs. I hate drama but in some ways I would much rather be with a woman who's unstable than someone who is if the woman aknoledges that she is unstable. I find that most anybody including supposedly normal people can become very unstable themselves during extremely bad situations. Normal people blame & harbor resentment towards whoever was involved at the time of them becoming unstable even if the other person was not the cause of the situation & was just involved. The resentment builds & builds & they start constantly acting negative with you till they decide they've had enough & that's the end of things & they believe that it is all your fault. The difference with my girlfriend is that 1ce she's vented & calmed down she feels very bad about it & blames herself instead of harboring the resentment that keeps festering. Hypothetically she could get upset & blow up about the same thing every single day but she would always go back to being her sweet self 1ce she's calmed down after instead of things building up & her constantly acting negative towards me & then deciding to break up cuz it's all my fault. A normal person would be a much better relationship partner for another normal person than I would be & I would feel horrible about myself for not being able to measure up to her wants, needs, & expectations since I would know that lots of other people could do a much better job at it than me. However with my girlfriend when she's in a bad mood I usually realize that it is not about me & usually there is realistically very little I could of done or not done to have prevented that. I don't hate myself for letting her down because I know it would be impossible for anyone not to. I also find being emotionally supportive within a relationship to be one of my biggest relationship strengths. I know it can sound very odd for an Aspie guy to say that but I don't have much else to offer & I've been highly unstable before. I worked on myself a lot since then & while I will always be VERY far from perfect, I can tell that I've made lots of progress. I know what it's like to have people turn their backs on you because you are too difficult or too depressed or whatever for them to want to deal with & I also know that having a rock to turn to that is always there can be a huge help. I want to help others, especially my relationship partners with whatever they're dealing with because I feel bad & majorly care when I see my partner having a difficult time. I don't go about expressing it in the typical NT way thou & that can put LOTS of people off. Thankfully my girlfriend does not hate me because I fail, she loves me because I try.

I know I've complained about her abit here so I should say that she has LOTS of good qualities that I majorly love about her. She is a very sweet, sensitive, & loving person when she's in a better mood. She cares alot more about people she's close to than she cares about herself & would usually put us 1st till she reaches her breaking point. She's usually very tolerant & accepting about things compared to most others. She's very supportive & if she realizes that I'm having a really difficult time with something she will try to support me even if she was having a very bad mood at the time, her bad mood would suddenly switch off. She's NOT superficial. She really cares about plant & animal life & the environment & such. We get along really well for the most part & we think of each other as partners but we don't always see eye to eye.

I find it disturbing how romantic comedies normalise "love-bombing" behaviour. The ones I've seen all used this trope: persistant, over-the-top demonstrations of love to someone who isn't that interested.

"Jerks" can be dangerously charismatic. Self-confidence is an attractive trait to many people. But there are those whose self-confidence is founded on the belief that other people are just tools for them to use.