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Abigailc1997
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 3 Sep 2021
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Posts: 3

08 Sep 2021, 6:47 am

I stay up INSANELY late, then struggle so much to wake up later in the day, sometimes even in the evening it’s a struggle. Sometimes it feels like I’m on my way to death because there’s more life in my sleep than in real life. Even with nightmares, sometimes, there’s a story that needs to be finished. “I’m just tired,” I say to myself. The liveliness I had as a child turned into absolute hell in my teen years. I was diagnosed in April 2016 with chronic depression and PTSD. Had C-PTSD been an official diagnosis, I would’ve been diagnosed with that instead. I’m not even gonna go into why, I’m so tired of discussing it. All I can say is, it was not from my family. Well at least not my mother’s side, and I don’t know my biological father but I DO know my brothers’ biological “father”, and let’s just say what happened from him in the home turned into full retaliation, with the help of his evil family, as well as a severely corrupt system, in addition to the horrible bullying I experienced. That’s as far as I will get anymore. Things just got worse and worse from there. I can’t go into further detail because I’ve learned that, at this point, the only people I have access to that will ever understand me are my mother and father. I feel hopeless, I feel angry, I feel numb. I cannot ever meet ONE person that I actually want to be with that genuinely wants me, the closest thing to being with them, if I was very lucky, was sexual experiences that I actually enjoyed, or with one guy it was dating him for a few days. This was years ago, but still. My number 1 crush= HAHA YOU DON’T STAND A CHANCE ABIGAIL YOU’RE UGLY THAT’S WHY WE ONLY USE YOU FOR OUR SEXUAL PLEASURE + MONEY!! Yup I’ve learned that the hard way. There was 1 guy (again years ago), who I actually had the privilege to date and I was happy with him, but then he moved to a different city and then he did the fade away. It hurt. To THIS day, the only people that are “attracted” to me are ugly disgusting creeps that are also just using me, and they find more manipulative ways to do it. They don’t respect women even if they say they do. I already know now that “you’re pretty/beautiful/etc” means “I’m trying to get with you, but I’m gonna play Mr. Nice Guy and try to make MY dreams become a reality, and every favor I do you is just a way to entrap you. If I don’t get my way with you, then I’m gonna give up and flip out on you for not doing/being what I wanted you to be for me.” And I spent years being told how ugly I was by so many people (never my family, but outside of them, yes. Some people would say I’m pretty, but I think it’s safe to say they were full of crap). Men are obsessed with my body, and I hate having my body touched, and hurts knowing they see more of my body than my face and hair, at least it feels that way. Sometimes when people draw a picture of me they make me look so ugly and mean. At this point, I’m done. People also can’t understand why I struggle to even respond to a hello from them. I can’t handle friendships anymore. I’m so freaking tired of having such limited options, which all suck anyway, and never have the opportunity to meet someone I could LEGIT be happy with. I’m just tired. My childhood is gone. The chaos *on my personal side* is mostly over (if we’re comparing what I went through from 2012-2015). It’s important to note I have so few family members left that actually stay in contact with me. And I mean only a couple left outside of my mother (on my biological side, the person she’s with now, and we all live together, he’s the only dad I’ve ever had). I live in a new world that I absolutely despise. No, it’s not the COVID epidemic by itself, because long before that it’s been hell. And it continues. I hate what I’m seeing so much these days. I’m only glad that people these days are doing more for animal rights and vegan options are becoming more available than previously. The #metoo movement? Well it got quieted down quite a bit, I haven’t heard from them in a while, yet despite that movement Instagram and other sites were BOOMING with such sexually suggestive photos (all girls and women), and not in a self-expressive, carefree way, but for the sake of gaining popularity across the globe and making money off of fetish pics which is especially disgusting, and it continues. It’s like a big “F you” to the MT movement and clearly in full support of every disgusting sexual thing asked of me or done to me without any say. I’m fed up. If this is what being a woman means, at least for a woman like me, then I need to grow a penis so I no longer have to ever worry about this ever again. Boy do I feel like, for many years, I’ve been suffering from what I like to call “Meg Griffin Syndrome”. Seriously. Live my life, and you’ll know why.

I’ve been an alcoholic and heavy smoker for the last 3 years thereabouts (I just turned 24 a couple of weeks ago). Life without it is absolute hell. People recommend I smoke weed but it seriously has never worked for me. I also have epilepsy and some types of weed actually make my seizure symptoms come around to party, then again so does drinking too much. Oh well. At least I’m used to drinking. I’m someone who chooses clear vodka out of any other drink, and I almost always drink way too much of it, though my epilepsy doctor strongly recommends against it. I hardly care anymore. In fact despite feeling sore and exhausted from drinking and the fact that it’s almost 7 a.m. (believe me I’m lucky if I can sleep that early, I usually stay up way later), I kinda want to drink a little more. I’m just in pain. I’m so deeply scarred inside and bad things just keep happening. I just hate it and want the F out.



SyphonFilter
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Feb 2011
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 2,159
Location: The intersection of Inkopolis’ Plaza & Square where the Turf Wars lie.

10 Sep 2021, 10:34 am

I just try to take things one day at a time, and try to change one circumstance I’m not happy with at a time to something else, even if change is hard for me.

I also try to stay away from alcohol because I have the same problem as you if I start drinking it.

Hopefully this is a little helpful? I’m sorry if you didn’t want a reaction.