Feeling Confused and Hurt

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Hey, just posting here to vent a little. It’s a pretty long post, but I needed to tell the whole story.

I (24M) am not diagnosed with ASD, but my therapist recently brought up that a lot of my difficulties in life might be due to me being on the spectrum.

I went on a date with a person I met on tinder last night and it did not go well. We had really clicked talking and face timing over the phone for the last week. We had similar interests, both had chronic illnesses (her crohns and mine spinal arthritis) and similar views of the world. We both found each other attractive and funny from what I know.

Last night my arthritis was flaring pretty badly and I had barely slept the night before as I’m preparing my grad school application. I would have canceled the date had she not been getting ready for two hours. I tried to tough it out but when I got to the restaurant I was really tired and in quite a bit of pain. On top of that, COVID has made me feel I’ve lost a lot of the social skills that have given me okay success in relationships/dating/friendships in the past.

I felt really awkward and didn’t know what to say. My back hurt badly and I had a hard time keeping up with the conversation and maintaining eye contact. I usually try to act confidant and sure of myself so I think this was a bit of a surprise for her. I think that when I did try to engage it came off unnatural and a little weird. We went to her car and kissed, though I was not into it because of the awkwardness and pain alongside her being stiff as a board.

We had been really sexual through facetime and texting in the week before the date so this was a big surprise for me. We tried kissing for a bit more before we both went home. This morning she texted me that she just didn’t feel that physical connection and wanted to break things off. She said it really surprised her because we clicked so well beforehand and she was attracted to me physically. I also don’t think I was just a terrible kisser as I’ve been pretty sexually active since I was 18. But who knows lol.

This hurt really badly. Idk exactly what it was but I was really not on it last night. It takes so much out of me to be normal when hanging out with others that I just think I don’t have the energy to do it anymore. I’ve felt like this all my life so I don’t even know what I would be/act like if I let my guard down for once. It ending in complete rejection after meeting in person when it had been going so well really confused and hurt me. I don’t know what it was other than I acted awkward or something. I know it wasn’t physical appearance or any of my actual personality as we had facetimed/called for hours a day in the week beforehand.

I don’t even know if I have autism and honestly I just feel like there’s something really wrong with me. I’m so exhausted with the whole thing that I don’t know if I have the energy to keep trying. I want a relationship and friends, but they never seem to work out because of me. The longer the relationship/friendship goes on, the more tired I get and the harder it is to act normal. I feel like I’m much younger than I actually am and just pretending to be an adult. I keep up the appearance of a confidant, fit, grad student to others, but the longer they know me the less I can keep that up. I end up shutting down and either leaving the relationship because I have no energy left to give it or being rejected like this.

Sorry for the long and somewhat repetitive post. I don’t know if anyone here can relate to this. I’m not sure if I have ASD as I haven’t been diagnosed yet. Still I thought this worth posting to see if anyone can give some advice or share similar experiences. Thanks.

Hi yoyo513

I only found out I was ASD last year, now in my 40's I look back at my relationships and can relate to what you wrote. The whole masking thing is difficult to do when your health issues are causing you agro. Being in your 20's just adds to the difficulty. Society makes you think that you have to be this all perfect all performing actor when on dates. This just ramps up the social pressure. It can be difficult too for people to make balanced decisions after their date doesn't play out like they thought. Looking back, I now understand why I struggled in relationships, but I also know I wouldn't change a thing. It can be hard for both guys and girls but one of the issues faced by guys is one I recently read about in a research paper which said that when a woman acts vulnerable, this behaviour is attractive to men, however when a man acts vulnerable, this behaviour is seen as a weakness by women. Based on my own experiences I think that there is some truth in these findings, but I also know that it is perfectly possible to find someone to accept us for who we are. I have had several long term relationships and with my current partner for over 10 years. It's always difficult when things dont go according to plan but dont give up. It always takes a good few tries to find a suitable partner. Keep chasing your ASD diagnosis too, this helped me a lot with understanding who was behind the mask.

kuze

I am sorry the Tinder date didn't go well, that is tough and really disappointing. It seems to have been a catalyst for good self reflection. It seems .asking is taking a huge toll on you from what I am understanding. Please correct me if I am wrong.
I often feel the same in relationships too. I have come to the conclusion I need to find a healthier balance between my natural self expression and masking, and also connect with those who I can be my natural self around.
I think too, to make a really genuine connection with someone, they need to see you as you are for many reasons, both for them and you. A future partner needs to see you, understand you and determine if they are compatible with you. If you are selling them a different persona it can be really hard for them to feel connected to you, or make a real connection with you. You may even hurt them deeply because they may feel tricked or manipulated when they see the real you.

And then there's your needs. If you are masking so hard it is taking a toll on you, it will be very hard to create a genuine connection- if that is what you want. You will never be relaxed around the other person, nor will you ever be known, supported or loved for your true self. Not to mention this wearing you out and taking a lot of energy away from staying healthy physically and mentally.
There's got to be a balance in there somewhere. Only you know what will work best for you. I hope you get closer to it the more you explore the topic. You're already really self reflective and thoughtful about it, just have to find your balance.

Okay. I know I'm Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild) and that I have no expertise with respect to "Romance". I'm not qualified to offer suggestions on that topic and I know it.

Solely regarding whether or not you are on the Autism Spectrum...you might find the following interesting:

----Autism-Spectrum Quotient Test

----Aspie Quiz ^{Note: Registering is optional!}

They can't tell you whether you are on the Spectrum but they might supplement your therapist's impression.

So sorry to hear how the date ended up, yoyo. Maybe it would have been better to have cancelled, under the circumstances. I hear you, that your date had been getting ready for two hours, but pain is pain. Things may well have gone a whole lot better, minus a flare up.

It goes with the territory that people can exhaust us and lead to needing alone time to recover. With the “right person” though, all this can be so much easier. It sounds such a shame that on the night, you were particularly suffering with pain, and that would affect anyone. Hang in there.

Tools like Tinder connect people at a superficial level. Your condition that evening required her to function at a level of understanding that went deeper than the superficial. It seems that her expectations were not met and she has decided to move on to greener pastures.

It might be that culling out the people who are not interested in or capable of deeper levels is actually an advantage. Tony Attwood once suggested that looking for someone who worked as a nurse or other "caring" profession might increase the odds of finding someone capable of greater depth.