Emailed a doctor about getting assessed for ADHD...

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ASPartOfMe
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22 Sep 2021, 7:07 pm

I stay away from relationship advice but will make an exception here. This advice will be blunt.

If you tell your boyfriend about your autism(and that you think you might have been misdiagnosed) several things might happen.

1. He will accept it and accept that is a part of who you are.
2. He will need time, rejecting it at first but accepting it later.
3. He will think the diagnosis is correct but attempt to reject that part of you and try and recover you.
4. He will reject you because you are autistic which understandably you fear.

If its number 3 and especially number 4 as excruciating as it will be its best it happens now before you get married and before you have children.

Right now part of your relationship is based on a lie and not a little white lie. That is not a foundation for a healthy relationship.

I am glad you are finally starting the process of getting assessed for ADHD which may also lead to removing the autism diagnoses which is what you want most of all. It is possible you will be given an ADHD diagnosis without losing your autism diagnosis which is the last thing you want. As painful as that result will be it will be clarity. It will end where you have been in the over 8 years I have been a member here being held back by fear and uncertainty. The lesser of two evils.

I hope that you get your wish and lose the diagnosis.


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Joe90
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22 Sep 2021, 8:25 pm

I can't bring myself to look someone in the eye and say I have the dreaded A-word. Highly irrational, I know, but I just don't want to let anyone know about my shame. I didn't want the diagnosis to begin with, I had no choice at the time because of only being a small child, so now I do have some control over what I can do with my diagnosis and I choose to brush it under the rug. It feels good to have control for once. Nobody here can convince me into telling my boyfriend such an embarrassing thing, so you needn't waste your time even trying. We've been together 7 years, been living together over 3 years, what difference would it make if I just turned around one day and said "oh by the way I have autism"? He knows me and loves me and understands me just the way I am. That's all that matters.


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ASPartOfMe
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23 Sep 2021, 1:19 am

Joe90 wrote:
I can't bring myself to look someone in the eye and say I have the dreaded A-word. Highly irrational, I know, but I just don't want to let anyone know about my shame. I didn't want the diagnosis to begin with, I had no choice at the time because of only being a small child, so now I do have some control over what I can do with my diagnosis and I choose to brush it under the rug. It feels good to have control for once. Nobody here can convince me into telling my boyfriend such an embarrassing thing, so you needn't waste your time even trying. We've been together 7 years, been living together over 3 years, what difference would it make if I just turned around one day and said "oh by the way I have autism"? He knows me and loves me and understands me just the way I am. That's all that matters.

You need not worry, I gave my outsider opinion and won’t press the matter any further.


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“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman


Edna3362
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23 Sep 2021, 5:23 am

I never nor would said to tell your boyfriend or anyone who didn't knew. Ever. That is your choice.

I see the point of the conditional of disclosure before marriage.
Again, this is a choice -- both choices has it's own outcomes.


... I'm asking you if you know or asked how does your boyfriend sees the labels -- not just AS, but also other labels since it is indicated he's aware of such topic.


You don't like talking about it -- this is given.
This makes me wonder... Had you asserted to those who knew the diagnosis the possibility that you were misdiagnosed?
But you fear feedbacks that will dismiss that assertion. You're already worried with what the doctors think, let alone non professionals.

... Who's supporting you in this process?

So I may ask if your boyfriend is the type who do not want to talk about it or not.

I'm also asking you if your boyfriend knew you won't judge his son. Nor you judge him for that.



As for the irrational anger...
Again, it's attachment. Attached to the idea of association of yourself and the label you hate.

It started from the time you react that way -- in which, according to you... At age 8?
And, you're 30+.

This is normal. It's how emotional memory works -- it will bring you to a time of how you recall and react it last time.

You just happened to maintain it the same reactions through your life.
It is also how trauma works -- if one considers it that way.


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Joe90
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23 Sep 2021, 6:15 am

Quote:
... Who's supporting you in this process?


Nobody, really. All this is completely my own decision, but I do like the feeling of being in control of it. As a child it was totally out of my control and I was too little to really know what was going on, and I had no control over who was told - word got around the family and friends of family quicker than lightning, and it was blabbed out to all my classmates and I couldn't do anything about it. And you know kids and diagnoses - if you have something they don't understand much about, you might as well be contagious with a serious disease. If a disability is not physical, children are actually better off NOT knowing about it. But it was all like ''Joe90 and all her classmates must know about this, then she will get more understood''. No, that didn't happen. Whoever thought of that genius idea must have really forgotten how kids think.

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So I may ask if your boyfriend is the type who do not want to talk about it or not.

My boyfriend is quite old-fashioned and doesn't particularly believe in neurological diagnoses really. I don't think he's ever heard of Asperger's, and what he does know about autism is just the severity side of it. Nobody in his family seem to have ASDs so I guess he won't know much about it, and I don't want to have to educate him on it by giving him infomation about it. It's just easier to keep it to myself. It's not because I don't respect him or anything. It's just it physically hurts to actually bring myself to say to someone that I have Asperger's. If I was like 99% of other females who don't know they are on the spectrum until adulthood, then things might be different. But being diagnosed as a small child makes me feel like I'm severe, as most females with Asperger's (even my age) don't seem to be recognised and I wish I was one of them. Butterfly effect, maybe?

Quote:
I'm also asking you if your boyfriend knew you won't judge his son. Nor you judge him for that.

I try to understand his son. My boyfriend gets angry about him, and says he's ''too old'' to be starting fights. But I tell him that he can't help it. I've seen his son have an outburst before, and afterwards his face went red and he felt incredibly guilty, and he said he can't help it. Then he apoligised to me. I didn't mind. But on the other hand he does need help, because you can't really go around punching people if they get too close to you or whatever, whether you can help it or not. If you can't help it then you need help and medication or something.


I do actually feel a tiny little bit embarrassed about doing this ADHD assessment, but not ashamed. Again, he's not the sort of person to believe in diagnoses so he's probably feeling a bit confused by what I'm doing.
If autism was named something like Social Communication Sensory Disorder (SCSD) or something like that, it might not be so bad to tell people. But ''autism'' sounds so serious and disabling, and means ''self-ism'', and it makes it feel like a very isolating, depressing thing to have. And Asperger's was named after a person with such a hideous name. I mean, who the f**k is called Asperger's as a surname, apart from this one guy? Where the f**k did that name originate from?


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SharonB
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27 Sep 2021, 5:19 pm

Joe90 wrote:
...And Asperger's was named after a person with such a hideous name. I mean, who the f**k is called Asperger's as a surname, apart from this one guy? Where the f**k did that name originate from?

I read that huge book about the history of ASD particularly Asperger's. Putting aside the doctor's name, I gathered that the clinic had a really good culture which it seems very few clinics nor classrooms have replicated, even to date. The clinic had one particular nurse who helped propagate the positive mindset and culture (but of course she wasn't credited initially although this book attempts to repair that a bit). The mindset was that each child could thrive and to find the what and how. Unfortunately the clinic was destroyed in the war. I've seen a documentary of one US classroom that has this mindset - beautiful. As you point out, too many folks see the Bad and the Good sits idle or forgotten - awful. For my part I use the positive mindset with my kids and when I guest teach at schools. The kids (even the "worst" of them) rise to the fill the "good" space I create for them. It's a start. Similar to your approach with your BF's son. I believe the children are capable of goodness (as much as humans can be :twisted:) and let's figure out how to achieve that more often which will naturally curb particular (hurtful) behaviors.