Reason to not kill myself?

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Dorkseid, if I had half my life without a decent partner I would want to find why, and I wouldn't stop util I had some credible answers. Forums are a decent sticky plaster when things go dark, but actual help with this is going to take speaking to a human with experience and knowledge in this area. Whatever your experiences in the past, if you dont like the psychologist, therapist, or psychiatrist you end with just try again. However, if you find you are not satisfied with whoever they put in front of you, then you may want to ask yourself why and do something about it.

What I am saying is that the only person that can make the difference to your life is you. If you choose to take action and persist with that action then you are already on the road to recovery. However, if you are content with perpetual sticking plasters, you will go round in circles and nothing long term will change for the better.

Best of luck with your future

kuze

Dorkseid,
Again - I am not in any way saying the real emotional pain you have experienced is not real. Being unlucky in love is hard - the kind of relationship you are talking about has to do with intimacy and intimacy always has the essential risk of vulnerability - it is when we are vulnerable that we can be hurt. It sounds like you were vulnerable, you were hurt, and you don't want to be vulnerable again because you don't want to be hurt again. But by not being vulnerable you don't see intimacy as an option either. So you feel stuck. I can relate to all of those things from my personal experience. I have been vulnerable, I have been hurt, I don't want to be hurt again - but the "walls" I put up to protect me add to my loneliness - which is itself hurtful. So i feel stuck - I want more intimacy but I don't want to be hurt. I have a big write up from a very smart psychologists a few years ago. He correctly pointed out that I have highs and lows, perhaps not because I am bipolar (like my uncle, who is diagnosed bipolar) but because of emotional highs and lows. There is an old song "fools rush in where angles fear to tread" - I rush into relationships and over expose myself - I don't really understand people and my people skills are poor and all learned from books - nothing really natural about my approach to people - then I start to feel hurt and I fear that hurt is all there is and I pull back and put up walls again.
I hear you saying that you see more downs then ups, and even that you cannot see any ups - but the downs feel very clear and objective - plain for anyone to see - and no-one could see them otherwise.
Here are some things to consider:
You could decide to be happy without a girlfriend or wife. You could accept that guy-gal relationships are hard for you and let them be and look for other areas of happiness. I have experienced the fact that I can have a "Magic magnifying mind" and when I focus on the bad stuff if becomes bigger - when I focus on the good stuff it becomes bigger.
You could decide that the trouble you have had dating is not so much a part of you but something you could change. This was the route I decided to go at one point in my life - the books I mentioned. The solution was not perfect, but I was able to make progress. I knew how to read. I could go to the library and book store and search on Amazon and find books with names like "1001 ways to be romantic" and "a cowboy's guide to romance". I still have some of these books. The goal was not a Miracle Cure but simply self improvement. I was able to make progress, I found the progress encouraging and I continued to make more progress.
You could seek professional help - it may be the pain you feel is a kind of hypersensitivity - part of the autism condition is often hypersensitivities - there may be medication which could help reduce the hypersensitivity and make it more possible to feel the good stuff more readily - which in turn would make it more possible to increase the good stuff. I, for example take a SSRI which reduces my anxiety, and that helps with my emotional pain. I think I may simply have been born with a neurological, objective, hypersensitivity - so it is ok for me to decide to take doctor's advice and try the medication. I still have feelings and thoughts and, again I am not looking for a Miracle Cure but simply self improvement. I had to come to the point in my life where I had decided that fighting anxiety was taking too much energy too much of the time. The medication doesn't "fix everything" but it does help. I also take a medication for ADHD, a SNRI - and that helps too.
I am looking for a new shrink right now. I just fired my old one. I didn't feel we were moving in the right direction. I may have been wrong but I am not done yet. I have worked with a number of psychologists over the years, some have helped some have not - but the important thing is that I am willing to try, and keep trying.
You could reach out to peer support - in a way that is what you are doing here - there are many support groups, some free. I have participated in a number of them.

I am also going to challenge your statement that there is no good in your life. Again I want to restate I am not questioning or trying to minimize your pain. You may be dealing with clinical depression or any number of things I am not dealing with, or unaware of. But even accepting the painful part of your life - you can read and write english, so you are not "non-communicative" like some people on the spectrum. You have a room mate so you are able to live independently of your parents - some people on the spectrum are not. You are well to do enough to own a cell phone or computer so you can post here on WP - or you are cleaver enough to get access to such tech even if it is not tech you can own. There are people in the world who don't have this type of thing. I have read some of your posts on WP and I know you are intelligent, and not easily bullied or swayed by other people's opinions. You are aggressive in defending yourself and your point of view and opinion.
And I hardly know you - I bet if you really decided to refute your "dorkseid should die" voices you could come up with a lot better list of assets than that.
If you were willing to risk just a little bit more vulnerability you might also be open to a little bit more intimacy, and do so in a safe way you were OK with.

Thank you.

But you are still not understanding the full picture. Even if I were do discover exactly what it was that I've been doing wrong, that is knowledge that would have been useful 10 or 15 ago but it will not help me now. The reality is that aging reaches a point where it is not possible to have what I may have had 10 or 20 years ago. My age makes it impossible now for me to be able to have romantic and sexual relationships with young beautiful women, even if I succeed at fixing everything that was getting in the way of that when I was younger.

As for psychiatrists, I've been to many over the past 12 years. And not that its I've been dissatisfied with most of them, but my problem was simply beyond the scope of what they are capable of.