Elementary School Advice Please

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kraftiekortie
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20 Sep 2021, 4:43 pm

Yep....I'm sorry the school reversed itself. I would be very disconcerted after I was given hope.

Are you going to homeschool him now?



Fenn
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21 Sep 2021, 7:16 pm

You could ask the principal to observe in the class room.

Sounds like the classroom teacher is the weak link - unfortunately there is not much you can do when the teacher is incompetent - "never try to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and annoys the pig".

You could appeal to the principal but it will be hard for the principal to magically create a competent teacher. You could try educating the educators, but if the teacher is willing to lie to cover up her/his incompetence there is a limit to even knowing where the education needs to happen. You could try bringing a legal action - but there may not be time and meanwhile your son will still be in the class under the abuse and incompetence. If there is more than one classroom for your son's grade you could appeal to the principal for a horizontal move - sounds like the principal would at least like to try to help.

My oldest was having an evaluation done which included a (survey-like) instrument being sent to every teacher. Every teacher filled it out - all of them came back ADHD and/or ASD (or some combination there of) except for one - her's came back "oppositional defiant". The school psychologist who had done a full work up looked at me at one meeting and said emphatically "he is NOT oppositional defiant". The way I dealt with the situation was to ask for a special IEP meeting with that teacher included where I lead a "case study". I had interviewed my son about a late assignment and identified all the EF glitches along the way from the assign first being given to the assignment being handed in (late). By recreating the whole thing one step at a time like a detective novel I was able to demonstrate that the assignment was late because of all kinds of little mistakes (the first was that the assignment was not written down because he decided to try to DO it in resource room, hadn't finished it and then it was GONE from memory by the time he got home). The teacher had kind of guessed that she might be in the hot seat and had change the grade from "0" to "100". After it was first recorded as "0". I wrapped up the "Case Study" with a simple statement to the group (which included the principal and about half a dozen others) "and that's how a smart kid who dries hard can be on a knife's edge between a 0 and a 100".

We never had trouble with her again. I never once challenged her - which I think confused and rattled her.

Things don't always go that way - some people want to "win" over a child - they view everything as a personal battle.

It also rattles them when two parents show up to a parent-teacher conference. They quickly learn that they cannot bully your child if you keep on top of things all the time.

I am the ADHD / ASD parent - my wide if the "organized one" - the NT.



I was going to


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Fenn
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21 Sep 2021, 7:22 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
I forgot about the drawing. My ADHD daughter honestly pays better attention if she is drawing while someone is talking. In a similar vein, I always needed to take notes to stay engaged. I worry the other alternatives take his mind out of class too much, so maybe that is the sales pitch to put drawing on table as an accommodation. They have to make a choice: you keep helping develop quiet diversion strategies that may keep him from fully paying attention, or they allow him to draw knowing it will probably increase his ability to actually pay attention.


One thing I have done to stim is write down a few words from the board or something that the teacher said - then play boggle with the letters - it looks like I am taking notes - and it keeps me from blurting out "clever" things that get me into trouble. I can still listen while am doing this. This helped my career (as an adult) quite a bit.


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Fenn
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25 Sep 2021, 1:38 pm

Fenn wrote:


Just wanted to clarify - One of the principals of HTWFAIP is "always look at things from the other person's point of view".
One of the principals of 7HOHEP is "seek first to understand, then to be understood", and "always go for the win/win".

You can see how the second builds on the first.

When I go to IEP meetings - and I really have to work hard at this because of my own social skills being not all that I would like them to be - is for me, as the parent, to try to look at things from the other people's point of view - I try to think about what I would see and want if I were a class room teacher (my mother, my grandmother, my father, my grandfather, and even myself all had experience in this - my experience as a class room teacher only lasted half a term - a story for another time). I also try to look at things as if I were a special ed teacher, or a principal or middle level administrator (etc). I try to articulate this understanding "seek first to understand" and "look at things from the other person's point of view" in a way that helps drop barriers and builds trust. Then I try to articulate my understanding, the things that matter to me and my child. I try to, further, look at things from the point of view of my child - being small and vulnerable in a class room when I am not there, being frustrated by an invisible handicap, being smart and capable - and so on. I similarly try to articulate this understanding to my child, and to reveal it to the school people - and again I try to articulate my concerns, my feelings, my thoughts, and my needs and wants. I find this works better than my initial gut reaction to "win" and to "fight" or to "run away" or "freeze" or "people-please". If there is something I want, I try to sell it as something they want too - either because it makes their job easier, it appeals to their desire to be a great teacher or educator, or it will please me and keep me of their back, or address their obligations under the law. But I also try to state why I want it as a parent. Many educators are also parents, or are young women (in my experience) who want to be parents. They can relate to my wants and need as a parent.

So - the books are more about me and the other people in the IEP meeting room than something I want to teach to my kids as "social skills" - but I don't mind it if they learn from my example or my instructions on these points either.

And I am not perfect - sometimes the IEP meetings bring back feelings from my own childhood that it takes days or weeks to recover from or just process. Sometimes I am emotional and irrational. But I have to say using the techniques and principals from the two books do help me to influence in an effective and friendly way - when I use them.


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SocOfAutism
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07 Oct 2021, 8:00 am

Yeah we pulled him out and are home schooling him with a private online program. Meaning we are paying for an organized curriculum so I don't have as much to do. We're going to have him do the Iowa tests each year and maybe some of these gifted tests too. I'd like to give him more options for later on. I have a degenerative disease and I don't know how long I can keep this up.

I was really trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, but it seems that the teacher was lying, the principal was backing her up, and perhaps the principal was also playing at using my son as a personal project. As in- he is so smart, can she "rehab" his behavior? It really made me feel ill. I was being straight with them- why couldn't they be straight with me? It turned out that one of his little friends was having problems too- crying at home, nightmares, begging not to go, grades falling. The friend is socially gifted, very talkative, very friendly. I have been meaning to check on his mom and see how his family is doing.

He had an academic rival, I guess, in another class. I passed his mom all my evidence and info on the school and gifted programs and told her godspeed.



DW_a_mom
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07 Oct 2021, 8:34 am

SocOfAutism wrote:
It turned out that one of his little friends was having problems too- crying at home, nightmares, begging not to go, grades falling. The friend is socially gifted, very talkative, very friendly. I have been meaning to check on his mom and see how his family is doing.


Sounds like it could be a really good pairing to home school together, as a pod. It would ease the workload, parents could take turns. Consider floating that idea by them.


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