Can't get on top of my depression and persistent bad thought

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I had a mental breakdown last year, was diagnosed with adhd and have had severe depression on and off since then.

I can't take the adhd meds due to cardiac side effects. My SSRI isn't working. I have trouble engaging with the mental health people.

My main problems are anger, bitterness and flashbacks/persistent memories as well as dark depressions. If the thoughts would go away I could cope I think.

I'm 51 now and have had a tough life with lots of bad luck and trauma, stress etc. I have very few good memories of anything whatsoever. Life has been a hard slog. I know other people have it tough as well.

How can I live like this? I don't feel like I can go on sometimes and think about how to kill myself, but can't face doing it in case I mess it up and I end up in a worse state. I fantasise about getting sick, refusing medical care and allowing myself to die.

I have nobody to talk to and can't afford therapy or help.

So sorry to hear, Arachnid. I find that exercise really helps me(have had a life that sounds very similar to your desciptors). I also take an anti-depressant(prozac) which has been very effective in coping with trauma. I hear you on your difficulty communicating with your health providers, but it just might be that a change in med is needed. That … or a different approach. Sounds like a change is definitely needed in your life. I really feel for people with severe untreatable depression(MDD) and hope that a break is coming for you soon, and calmer, happier times ahead.

Exercise helps with so many issues … our mental health, sleep, general health and well being. Are you able to find joy in any of your interests generally? Really hope you can see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. X

Cats can be very good therapists.

I had a cat, Zum Zum, who was an excellent therapist. She got me through my depression when I was a teenager.

^^Seconded.