Didn't tell long term partner I'm on the spectrum

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I still don't feel the "confessional" approach is the right approach. You have nothing to "confess."

It's not like you have a "state secret" that might influence the state of the world in the future.

Or even that you're "coming out of the closet" as far as being not heterosexual is concerned.

If your partner knows you're "odd," already, this just might serve as sort of a "confirmation" of why you are "odd."

Now....if you had a rare genetic/chromosomal disorder that might affect any kids you conceive, then I would frame it in more of a "confessional" mode.

I understand you feel this is a weighty thing. And I hope you don't feel that I'm "invalidating" your feelings.

But to "confess" something means you're ashamed of something---that's just my opinion.

Wife: You should have told me you were autistic earlier in our relationship.
Me: I told you in the first 2 months!
Wife: I mean like in the first 5 minutes.

Real conversation.

I just feel like as soon as someone knows I have Asperger's it then defines me. It's OK if you're not ashamed of it, but when you are, it's different. I'm not ashamed of being atheist or white or female or British, but I don't like being associated with autism. It's my deepest, darkest shame, and as I like to identify as neurotypical then everyone knowing I have this sh***y label will just cramp my style.

I just don't think having an autism spectrum disorder taints a person, makes a person less than what he/she actually is.

It bothers me when somebody states that somebody with autism is "inferior." Because that's a bunch of crap. Just because one doesn't have consummate social skills???? Just because you don't want to go to a party, or to a noisy pub to get drunk and vomit the next day????

I was hardly every invited to "go out for the evening" by anybody. I didn't care! I liked staying home reading my books on a Saturday night.

Quite frankly, there are plenty of neurotypical folks whose social skills suck.

I'm not one of those "Aspie Supremacists," by the way. I feel like they talk crap, too.

People with autism might have special talents in some areas, and might be not so talented in other areas. But----guess what? That's the way people are in general!

I told my boyfriend on our first date. We both laid our baggage on the table, so to speak. I'm not saying that autism is anything to be ashamed of, but I wanted him to know about all of my personality quirks which might end up causing a misunderstanding down the road. (For example: My sensory issues, my need for lots of time alone, having no interest in social dates at restaurants or parties). I figured it would be easier to see if we were compatible in that regard before developing a relationship and having to backtrack later on.

He worked in the field of Psychology so he actually thought it was interesting, and wanted to know more.

Autism has been far less problematic for us overall than our (mutual) PTSD, or his bereavement.

I'm not advocating "not telling."

What I'm against, really, is the confessional nature of the "telling." Like you have to have someone "sit down" to listen to the "confession."

*-*=CAUTION--I have an opinion but no expertise on this.*-*=
*-*=CAUTION--I have an opinion but no expertise on this.*-*=
*-*=CAUTION--I have an opinion but no expertise on this.*-*=

I think she must already know on some level. You are you. And she has known you for a long time and agreed to spend her life with you.

You could look up quite a few stories of partners discovering the label of ASD for their spouse: "it suddenly all made sense" is the most common thing I hear.

Other stories the spouse tries to change their partner, and when they can't they divorce (I doubt an official diagnosis would change this outcome though).

If you accept her as she is and she accepts you as you are, and neither of you try to change the other, I think you two will have a long happy life together.

If you're planning to have kids then you should tell her

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/f ... le/2654804