Didn't tell long term partner I'm on the spectrum

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badRobot
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14 Sep 2021, 3:28 pm

Joe90 wrote:
It's not necessarily what other people think, it's how I feel. Since getting diagnosed I have always been uncomfortable in my own skin and I prefer to identify as neurotypical. You know, just like females uncomfortable in their own skin prefer to identify as males or non-binary (and vice-versa). I totally understand how people who were born as the wrong gender feel. I was born with the wrong f*****g brain and I hate it. Why should I have to let it define me for? I'm Joe90, not Asperger's Syndrome. Not my fault I was forced to be labelled as a small child.


Again, I don't understand you at all. I don't understand what's the big deal. You are who you are. How the hell formal diagnosis define you in any way? Does it impose anything, does society pressure you to be someone you don't feel comfortable being based on this diagnosis?



kraftiekortie
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14 Sep 2021, 3:40 pm

I still don't feel the "confessional" approach is the right approach. You have nothing to "confess."

It's not like you have a "state secret" that might influence the state of the world in the future.

Or even that you're "coming out of the closet" as far as being not heterosexual is concerned.

If your partner knows you're "odd," already, this just might serve as sort of a "confirmation" of why you are "odd."

Now....if you had a rare genetic/chromosomal disorder that might affect any kids you conceive, then I would frame it in more of a "confessional" mode.

I understand you feel this is a weighty thing. And I hope you don't feel that I'm "invalidating" your feelings.

But to "confess" something means you're ashamed of something---that's just my opinion.



Benjamin the Donkey
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15 Sep 2021, 2:29 am

Wife: You should have told me you were autistic earlier in our relationship.
Me: I told you in the first 2 months!
Wife: I mean like in the first 5 minutes.

Real conversation.


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Joe90
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15 Sep 2021, 12:05 pm

I just feel like as soon as someone knows I have Asperger's it then defines me. It's OK if you're not ashamed of it, but when you are, it's different. I'm not ashamed of being atheist or white or female or British, but I don't like being associated with autism. It's my deepest, darkest shame, and as I like to identify as neurotypical then everyone knowing I have this sh***y label will just cramp my style.


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badRobot
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15 Sep 2021, 12:39 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I just feel like as soon as someone knows I have Asperger's it then defines me. It's OK if you're not ashamed of it, but when you are, it's different. I'm not ashamed of being atheist or white or female or British, but I don't like being associated with autism. It's my deepest, darkest shame, and as I like to identify as neurotypical then everyone knowing I have this sh***y label will just cramp my style.

It doesn't define you, it's just a formality. You are who you are with or without label. What you feel is irrational and self-imposed. Basically, your feelings, essentially, you, are the only one who causes you any harm in this situation. I would focus on reframing my own mindset, something that's under your control, rather than ruminating in negative emotions about something you can't control.



kraftiekortie
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15 Sep 2021, 1:24 pm

I just don't think having an autism spectrum disorder taints a person, makes a person less than what he/she actually is.

It bothers me when somebody states that somebody with autism is "inferior." Because that's a bunch of crap. Just because one doesn't have consummate social skills???? Just because you don't want to go to a party, or to a noisy pub to get drunk and vomit the next day????

I was hardly every invited to "go out for the evening" by anybody. I didn't care! I liked staying home reading my books on a Saturday night.

Quite frankly, there are plenty of neurotypical folks whose social skills suck.

I'm not one of those "Aspie Supremacists," by the way. I feel like they talk crap, too.

People with autism might have special talents in some areas, and might be not so talented in other areas. But----guess what? That's the way people are in general!



IsabellaLinton
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15 Sep 2021, 1:31 pm

I told my boyfriend on our first date. We both laid our baggage on the table, so to speak. I'm not saying that autism is anything to be ashamed of, but I wanted him to know about all of my personality quirks which might end up causing a misunderstanding down the road. (For example: My sensory issues, my need for lots of time alone, having no interest in social dates at restaurants or parties). I figured it would be easier to see if we were compatible in that regard before developing a relationship and having to backtrack later on.

He worked in the field of Psychology so he actually thought it was interesting, and wanted to know more.

Autism has been far less problematic for us overall than our (mutual) PTSD, or his bereavement.



kraftiekortie
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15 Sep 2021, 1:39 pm

I'm not advocating "not telling."

What I'm against, really, is the confessional nature of the "telling." Like you have to have someone "sit down" to listen to the "confession."



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15 Sep 2021, 2:12 pm

*-*=CAUTION--I have an opinion but no expertise on this.*-*=
*-*=
CAUTION--I have an opinion but no expertise on this.*-*=
*-*=CAUTION--I have an opinion but no expertise on this.*-*=


If you think the diagnosis is correct then I think you should disclose it. But I agree that you should not make a big deal of it.

Face it, she probably already thinks you're a little odd.

Since you don't advertise the diagnosis you might ask her to do the same. (That might even work. Maybe. :roll: )

P.S. When my bride bumps up against one of my Aspie traits she gets to hear me say: "I have a doctor's note for that!" This amuses me more than it amuses her. :)


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Joe90
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15 Sep 2021, 2:19 pm

Quote:
It doesn't define you, it's just a formality. You are who you are with or without label


Exactly - which is why I choose to closet it (or keep it on WP and no further) and just live my life being me, not my diagnosis.

I don't say other autistic are inferior, but it just makes me feel inferior and I get embarrassed about it.


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16 Sep 2021, 12:13 am

I think she must already know on some level. You are you. And she has known you for a long time and agreed to spend her life with you.

You could look up quite a few stories of partners discovering the label of ASD for their spouse: "it suddenly all made sense" is the most common thing I hear.

Other stories the spouse tries to change their partner, and when they can't they divorce (I doubt an official diagnosis would change this outcome though).

If you accept her as she is and she accepts you as you are, and neither of you try to change the other, I think you two will have a long happy life together.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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16 Sep 2021, 2:14 am

If you're planning to have kids then you should tell her

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/f ... le/2654804


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DW_a_mom
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18 Sep 2021, 3:25 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I still don't feel the "confessional" approach is the right approach. You have nothing to "confess."

It's not like you have a "state secret" that might influence the state of the world in the future.

Or even that you're "coming out of the closet" as far as being not heterosexual is concerned.

If your partner knows you're "odd," already, this just might serve as sort of a "confirmation" of why you are "odd."

Now....if you had a rare genetic/chromosomal disorder that might affect any kids you conceive, then I would frame it in more of a "confessional" mode.

I understand you feel this is a weighty thing. And I hope you don't feel that I'm "invalidating" your feelings.

But to "confess" something means you're ashamed of something---that's just my opinion.


I think my feeling was that he wouldn't be confessing the ASD as much as confessing having intentionally withheld information. Still, I "get" your points. Ultimately, the decision of how to bring it up will have to be made based on details of the unique people involved that we just don't know. So, it's good that multiple approaches exist in this thread. Hopefully the OP's instincts will lead him to make the right choice for him. To me, the important thing is to stop intentionally withholding the information.


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