Rudeness in autistic boyfriend

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I’m a 67 female, my boyfriend is 58 and is on the Autism Spectrum. He says things that to me are very mean. For example, he told me I was looking old and he noticed it as soon as he saw me for the first time in 6 days (he’s a truck driver that works 6 off 3). He tells me I need to put on some make-up and comb my hair and change clothes even when we’re going to hang around his house. (We write music together so I go to his house and stay for three days). He tells me once a week that he loves me then says he’s never been in love snd he doesn’t feel any closer to me than he did to his other girlfriends (each sbout 15 years a piece). I love this man snd have read so much about the spectrum. I get on him for saying mean things and even cry sometimes and then he says I’m too emotional and if it would make me feel better I can go home. I could go on and on. I hate to give up because if I break up with him I can’t stand the thoughts of being with someone else. Can anyone help me?
pollyscrab

Hi, autistic adult here (married for over 20 years to an ND/ADHD partner). *gentle hugs to you*

I think it is really important to remember that controlling behaviors can occur in both autistic and neurotypical individuals. Being autistic or neurodiverse is not an excuse for abusive or controlling behaviors.

I don't know the exact details of your situation, of course, so I cannot make a thorough judgment. From what I am seeing here, it doesn't seem like you are having your needs met. It also sounds like he is gaslighting you any time you bring this up. I think for this relationship to continue, a clear line of communication really needs to be opened up between the two of you. If he is unwilling to hear/meet your needs, I would reconsider the path you are currently on. Successful relationships require some level of reciprocity and compromise.

And I'm going to put this bluntly: his control over your makeup, hair, and clothes is a HUGE RED FLAG to me. Have you tried setting any healthy boundaries with him? You are your own person, and other people should not be telling you how to present yourself.

Autism is no excuse for being a jerk.

Tell HIM he has to comb his hair, wear nice clothes, and how close you were to your other boyfriends.

It's impossible to say if he's being a jerk. I do understand that it's unacceptable to tell a woman she looks old, but it could still slip if I'm not thinking about it in context of age or beauty, but express concern of whether a person I care about is doing well, for example.

I personally believe one should "dress up" even when completely alone as part of self-respect, important part of mental strength and happiness. If he follows his own advise, then this suggestion might mean he cares about your wellbeing.

Honestly, as person on the spectrum I find a lot of social rules really weird and counterproductive, it's rude to suggest someone to get on a diet, even if you are trying to save this person's life. I have to put A LOT of effort into restraining myself, otherwise I would alienate every single overweight person who complains to me about their health issues and asks for some kind of advise EXCEPT "insanely rude" suggestion to get on a diet.

A lot of autistic people have had things like this said to them bluntly by neurotypicals. I'm not saying you did, I'm just saying that autistic people often get hurtful things said to them, so I think neurotypicals shouldn't be too sensitive if an autistic person does the same to them. If you've never hurt a neurodiverse person's feelings (which I doubt you have) then fair enough, but if you have then you now know how it might have felt for them.

It's just the way I look at it. I've read some of the things here people have said to autistics in their lifetimes and some of it is so shocking.

A lot of men, autistic or not, don't seem to like women being emotional. My NT boyfriend sometimes yells at me for being emotional. Men can appear unemotional.

I guess my advice would be not to allow his aspergers/autism to excuse him behaving like a jerk.

Some of the behaviour you have described, such as telling you how you should dress, is controlling, and should not be tolerated. If the relationship is to continue you need to be firm with him that you have your own way of doing things and will not accept him trying to exert control over you in any way. As another poster said, this behaviour is a red flag.

On the other hand, some of the rudeness may just be him speaking his mind and not foreseeing how it will come across. This is a common AS trait. And unfortunately it sounds as though his reaction when you get upset is to shut down. (This may be to protect himself, as displays of emotion can be hard for us to handle).

The only advice I can offer is to appeal to logic without getting emotional, if you can. That is, each time he says something rude, explain to him how you are feeling and why and suggest to him a way to make you feel better. If he is a decent man he will try to take it on board. Hope it works out for you.

I don't get why you guys think it's OK to jump to such conclusions and make judgement. There is just not enough information, no context, you don't know how it was phrased. This is not even a quote, this is how OP subjectively understood what the other person said. Be freaking cautious, you might ruin someone's life with your categorical advise.

It is hard to say without knowing more, but a few of the things you mentioned reminded me of things that I said to my ex-wife. For me, I intended no rudeness and genuinely wanted her to be around most of the time. After she left, I realized I should and could have done things differently and wished I had realized it at the time. She would tell me there were problems, but I don't think I ever understood what she was talking about until it was too late. Maybe calmly and directly and very specifically approaching the issues would have helped in my situation. Maybe it would be worth trying to approach it that way if you haven't, maybe with the angle of wanting to improve things and "make things better between us" rather than "getting onto him".

I agree with this. We don't really know enough to make a fair judgment. There are so many possible gray areas here. There are some potential red flags that I see here, but it is possible these could disappear with better communication and healthy boundary setting. It could be concerning if the OP has already tried to improve the situation and is only receiving backlash or gaslighting.

Us autistics even say stuff like that to each other on this site. I've seen hygiene advice like that being suggested more than a few times in the L&D section when someone is complaining about being single or someone is suggesting advice on how to attract & keep a romantic partner. Us guys in general tend to be very visual people when it comes to attraction.

I read the other couple posts the OP has made & I have the impression that this guy is very flip floppy. Maybe he's very unsure of what he wants or maybe it's a controlling & manipulation tactic. I don't have enough info to say right now. I can tell that the OP is very frustrated & worries that things may get to the point of them breaking up. The best advice I can think of is to try having a direct discussion about this with him. It may help to write out a letter, email, or text message & giving him some time to read it & think about how to respond. If he tries to dodge the questions & issues or tries to turn it around on you OP or gets very mad at you, I would take it as a sign that he's not invested in making your relationship work rite now. Also for the record us autistics in general can vary quite a lot with our relationships. A caring loving relationship partner would try to hear you out & address your concerns if they are made aware of them in a straightforward non-accusatory way. Show that you need clarification about things & your not trying to blame him. In general I believe that good clear communication & willingness to compromise by both partners is essential for maintaining a healhty relationship that benefits both people involved.