Struggling with self-hatred because of other people

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Hello.

I've never been diagnosed as having Asperger's, but multiple former friends have suggested it (including my ex-wife that may have had some credibility on the subject). I am not really sure, but I have always been the quiet smart one that is rather awkward with people, and some of the experiences of others with Asperger's have resonated with me.

I have been dealing with repeated bouts of self-hatred which are interfering with my life.

Without being too specific, when I was in college, most of my former friends and acquaintances cut me off because they didn't like my life choices, even though in my view I did not harm anyone by those choices.

After that, I met my ex-wife online and finally felt safe and understood around a person for a few years. I was apparently mistaken. Partially because of my failure to communicate my appreciation to her effectively, she left me and married someone else about 7 years ago (to whom she is still married). She later told me that she probably wouldn't have left me had she really understood at the time what I had felt/thought.

Since she left, I have been in a terrible state of mind much of the time. I tell myself over and over that I hate myself and also that I miss my ex-wife (even though logically I can't/don't want to get back together with her). The underlying reason for my self-hatred seems to be because I feel alone and because other people don't seem to like me.

It has always been hard for me to make friends, but part of me feels like I desperately need a friend, someone I can talk with and feel safe with. I do not have anyone that I truly feel safe with any more.

I have a YouTube channel where I do presentations about a particular deep subject which is important to me. At least, that is what I do whenever I am not feeling overwhelmed by work and not feeling scared of what people might say or think. I have a few thousand followers, and some people will comment about how much they appreciate what I do and how helpful I have been to them. It is very hard for me to accept that as something more than text on a page, especially when it has no obvious impact on my life. When I don't feel overly scared, I will engage with people in the comments on my recent videos as best as I can.

Part of me is convinced that if I want to find a friend or find someone I can connect with, then surely some way through my channel audience is my best bet (especially since they already kind of "know" me and "accept" me on some small level), but I don't know how to manage that. I know some people do live streams, but that is almost insurmountable for me because I often feel "on the spot" and cannot think whenever I have to talk to someone and often have no idea what to say (especially with a stranger or in a group setting). I long ago developed a fear of speaking to most people because I would often accidentally say the wrong thing or be misinterpreted or sometimes be understood as rude even though I intended to be nice. I feel like talking through text is easier because there is a delay, but I have had many negative experiences with the people associated with my channel's subject matter. I have had people email me privately from my channel and seemingly want to talk to me, but they often disappear quickly. Sometimes they will just ghost me, sometimes they will say they are appreciating the discussion with me until they will find out that I hold a view they don't like and then they will tell me they are cutting me off because of that. Because of some recent bad experiences with people on my channel, and because of my inability to cope with stress and with feeling alone, I have been avoiding it all together lately.

On some level, it doesn't make sense to be hating myself just because of what other people do or think (or because of what I *think* they are thinking), but part of me is convinced that, because I feel alone and because some people think I am weird or may think I said/did awkward things in the past, I essentially should hate myself. Knowing that this is unreasonable doesn't remove the pain.

Thank you for reading and for encouragement and suggestions.