My gf only wants to have spontaneous unplanned sex.

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I too feel like it would be throwing out the baby with the bathwater, but others I have talked to about it said it sounds like we are sexually incompatible and therefore, should break up, if they are correct? I mean I asked for their opinion and that's what they gave me.

I try to communicate things with her but it seems it makes her self conscious. Like for example, I tried 'dirty talking' to her but she said it made her feel objectified, and not sure if she really loves me, or that I want to objectify her.

But if that's her response to dirty talk, it makes me kind of turned off, like I am notice if that makes sense?

You have a choice to make: (1) Comply with her wishes and enjoy the spontaneous unplanned sex, or (2) refuse to comply with her wishes and watch her leave you for someone else.

What is more important to you: Having things your way and living alone, or compromising and enjoying a physically intimate relationship?

She, obviously, wants to be the dominant partner.

I sense you want to be submissive.

But I do understand the irritation….when she can be flirtatious…and you can’t because it makes her feel “objectified”.

I really recommend you read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It does a great job of explaining sexual desire through "accelerators" (a situation, behavior, visual stimulation etc. that serves as a turn-on) and "brakes" (something that signals this is not a suitable occassion to have sex). In general, women have more sensitive brakes - it might be partly anatomy but social pressures certainly play a role here too because there are exceptions - and also getting actually turned on is more of a slowburn. It's not a matter of seconds to go from neutral to super horny, especially in a long-term relationship where the novelty has faded.

If you are not a fan of spontaneity, how about you go smarter about planning it? For God's sake, don't make a schedule. But start your morning by exchanging cheeky messages (see what she's responsive to) and build up the excitement until the evening when you meet. Having thought and fantasized about it, she'll probably be in the mood.

I can do that, but I've tried that she seems to find the cheeky messages, or funny and cute than arousing though. Is this normal or do I have to change it up maybe?

I was also thinking, I could act disinterested in sex and whenever she tries to me, I could just say I am not feeling it since I masturbated earlier. If I did this for quite a few times, would it drive her crazy so she get more in the mood likely then?

You could, but if you're wanting her to be more dominant for sex it doesn't seem like a good approach. Might be better to masturbate more if you're finding times your wanting sex more than her though since that can alleviate things. That's what I have to do, my boyfriend works a lot more than me and so some days he's too tired.

Oh okay, but if the sex is not planned, how do I know when to masturbate to relieve myself, and when to not too, if I have no idea when it's going to happen, if that makes sense?

Dude your questions are getting stranger and stranger. You can't manipulate somebodies mood for your own personal pleasure

It sounds like a temporary phase she is going through, if you want her ride it out.

Well, I guess I was thinking more on days you don't see her, so when you do see her it's not such a big deal if sex doesn't happen. So it wont be like you were waiting since the last time you visited and had sex, as you've gotten something in between those times. Or maybe earlier in the day if you are going to see her, but idk I hear males and females can be a little different in that area...so not sure if you doing that would mean you couldn't get it up again later if she was in the mood.

But the main thing is, you don't want to be pushy since that can turn off most anyone. I mean with my still somewhat newfound enjoyment of sex, I found my sex drive was ending up higher than my boyfriends. I guess it was kind of new to me to really get something out of it so I maybe got a little over-excited. So I inadvertently was sorta pressuring him a bit(didn't really mean to, but it still came off that way). Anyway he expressed that was turning him off and so we figured maybe I needed to satisfy myself some of the time to take some pressure off him.

Well it seems that I have to save up for a few days so I can't just relieve myself of being horny on my days off without worrying about not having enough energy say the next day...

What if I did the opposite of pushy and just act disinterested in sex, and whenever she spontaneously all of a sudden wants to have it, I just tell her that I already masturbated and I didn't know she wanted it as she didn't tell me in advance, and I just keep doing that for a while. It sounds kind of bad, but will this sexually drive her a little nuts to the point where she is willing to plan it with me a little better maybe?

That would be stupid. Point blank.

You're going down to the level of game-players. You want to be above playing these stupid games.

But it's not necessarily game playing if I don't have the sexual energy if she didn't ask me beforehand so I knew to save up though, is it?

It's "game-playing" because you're acting "disinterested" when you're actually "interested, but tired."

I wouldn't want a woman to do that to me. I would find it insulting.

The thing to do is.....do some foreplay. Cuddle with her. Say how gorgeous she is. Stuff like that.

It does sound like you are sexually incompatible. This is unfortunate and it's true for many couples.

I always plan for sex with my boyfriend and we talk openly about sex all the time. We want the same things sexually and we want the same things in most other aspects of our lives as well.

If I was in a relationship with someone who I was not sexually compatible with and they wanted to plan for sex then I'm afraid I would be completely turned off.

As for her sexual appetite coming from external negative influences then this should also speak for itself.

Oh ok, but just because I prefer to plan, does that mean we are sexually incompatible just based on that alone?

In dating, is there a way to find out if you are sexually compatible with someone before having sex? Or is the only to find out for sure is to have sex and find out the hard way?

Well I didn't say that just because you like to plan. It just sounds like she is just not interested in the things you want.

You said she switches off when you talk dirty to her. She's not interested in planning for sex. She just comes to you when she's angry or frustrated with someone else and that's when you get sex. She's told you that you are making her feel objectified.

It just sounds like it's not working for you.

Maybe it's just a communication problem.

Idk I'm no expert on relationships but I just think that there ought to be something more other than her jumping on you out of frustration and then pushing you away and accusing you of misogyny when you want to whisper sexy things in her ear.