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dorkseid
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23 Sep 2021, 10:32 am

So people like to tell me that I should enjoy being single. That I have all this freedom married people don't. But what exactly am I supposed to do with this freedom? Run around flirting with random women and having hook ups and one night stands? That doesn't work for me any better than dating and it just gets labeled as a creep. So what else? Travel the world? I can't afford to travel to Texas. I have the flexibility to accept jobs anywhere. Problem is that, even if I'm perfectly qualified and capable of doing the job, I can never get past the interviewing stage because everyone thinks I'm "too weird". So exactly am I supposed to do with all this freedom I have? How am I supposed to "enjoy being single"?



badRobot
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23 Sep 2021, 11:07 am

Your question is fundamentally wrong. You have cause and effect reversed.



dorkseid
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23 Sep 2021, 5:05 pm

How so? I don't have money because I don't travel the world? Can you please explain what you mean?



badRobot
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23 Sep 2021, 5:39 pm

dorkseid wrote:
How so? I don't have money because I don't travel the world? Can you please explain what you mean?


You don't have money because you are not happy. Being in a relationship would not make you happy, traveling the would not make you happy. You would not enjoy any of these things because you don't have capacity to enjoy anything.

You must put effort into being happy first. Motivation to overcome excuses and put effort into improving your life depends on your capacity to enjoy things, anticipation of joy is positive emotion.

Do you workout regularly?
Do you have enough direct sunlight every day?
Do you eat healthy food?
Do you regularly spend time just breathing fresh air, looking at trees, grass, water, animals?

If your answer to any of these questions is "no", you supposed to feel miserable, there is no way around it.



badRobot
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23 Sep 2021, 5:52 pm

And this is not some hippy woo woo or fitness guru motivational BS, this is neuroscience, biochemistry and genetics.



zzyzzy
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23 Sep 2021, 6:03 pm

We have less freedom because for many of us, marriage is not a choice even if we want to be married. Also, with marriage you have more opportunities to do more activities because some activities require two people. Having two people can also make during chores more efficient giving you time to do more stuff. Finally, being married saves you money, because per capita housing costs are lower for two people living together than one person living alone. In a sense, the extra money married people have give them more freedom.



dorkseid
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23 Sep 2021, 8:29 pm

badRobot wrote:

You don't have money because you are not happy.


What does being happy have to do with money?



EEngineer75
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23 Sep 2021, 10:27 pm

Being with people who either enjoy your company or a significant other who really knows and/or appreciates you and/or your contributions is awesome.

Being in a relationship--or job--where you're not a good fit and/or wanted to do/to be someone who you are not is awful. :cry:

Being single is... neither of those, unless you have friends, family, and/or job that you feel right with.

If you want to talk about being "happy":
-"Matthew McConaughey - This Is Why You're Not Happy" https://youtu.be/p0p1fjLPjYQ


PS I agree with the exercise and self care sentiments :salut: :-D , but I think those are just tools for getting you & your mind into "shape" for choosing to look or reach for something more.


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FleaOfTheChill
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23 Sep 2021, 10:32 pm

What to do with all the freedom? Personally, I enjoy things like knowing that when I come home, my house will be as I left it because there's no one there to make a mess when I'm gone. I enjoy not having to go to someone else's family functions or work crap. I enjoy not having to tip toe around at 5am so I don't wake anyone else up (if I want to blast music, I totally can, and I do). I enjoy coming and going as I please without having to pay someone else the consideration of checking with their schedule/wants/needs first. I enjoy deciding my own dinners without thinking of anyone else, picking out my own flavored coffee, and not having to be subjected to nonstop television noise(because damn it all I tend to get involved with people who like tv and I don't). Really, the list of things to enjoy about being single go on for miles. But that's just me and my take. I'm somewhat recently single (split with the ex of about 18 years about a year ago now) and really enjoying this living alone/not having to stress someone else thing. For me, that is the freedom, not having to take someone else into consideration. You really can live your life on your own terms this way and that is freakin awesome, imho.



xxZeromancerlovexx
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23 Sep 2021, 11:45 pm

dorkseid wrote:
So people like to tell me that I should enjoy being single. That I have all this freedom married people don't. But what exactly am I supposed to do with this freedom? Run around flirting with random women and having hook ups and one night stands? That doesn't work for me any better than dating and it just gets labeled as a creep. So what else? Travel the world? I can't afford to travel to Texas. I have the flexibility to accept jobs anywhere. Problem is that, even if I'm perfectly qualified and capable of doing the job, I can never get past the interviewing stage because everyone thinks I'm "too weird". So exactly am I supposed to do with all this freedom I have? How am I supposed to "enjoy being single"?


Do what I do and spend time on a hobby you are good at or remind yourself of what you would have to sacrifice in a relationship. I’ve learned that being single means I don’t have to put down my Switch or PS4 controller to go on a spontaneous date. I don’t have to share my bed with anyone but my plushies. I don’t have to commit to anyone but myself.


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badRobot
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24 Sep 2021, 2:26 am

dorkseid wrote:
badRobot wrote:

You don't have money because you are not happy.


What does being happy have to do with money?


What do you need to earn more money? You need to learn. You need to be happy to actually learn and internalize skills and mindsets. You need to be happy to have motivation and grit to apply your knowledge and to achieve goals. Again, happy as in the opposite of "depressed" not in sociocultural romcom-bullshit sense.



badRobot
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24 Sep 2021, 2:29 am

EEngineer75 wrote:
If you want to talk about being "happy":
-"Matthew McConaughey - This Is Why You're Not Happy" https://youtu.be/p0p1fjLPjYQ

He's talking about the same fallacy, but he, like many other "motivational" and "inspiring" guys, got it backwards. The idea that achieving success would make us happy is a fallacy. But the idea that simply doing things you enjoy instead of focusing on success or winning would make you happy is also a huge fallacy. Happiness is capacity to enjoy. You must have capacity to enjoy to enjoy anything you do, to enjoy any achievement in your life, no matter what your idea of success or achievement is. Even if you decide to enjoy simple things, to be content, it will not make you happy, you will not be able to enjoy doing these simple things if you don't have capacity to enjoy simple things, in other words, if you are not already happy.

EEngineer75 wrote:
PS I agree with the exercise and self care sentiments :salut: :-D , but I think those are just tools for getting you & your mind into "shape" for choosing to look or reach for something more.


No. These are the only things that make us happy.



dorkseid
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24 Sep 2021, 6:41 am

EEngineer75 wrote:
If you want to talk about being "happy":
-"Matthew McConaughey - This Is Why You're Not Happy" https://youtu.be/p0p1fjLPjYQ



Hey, look! It's the tall handsome rich movie star that literally every heterosexual woman I've ever known swoons after telling me all about happiness.


FleaOfTheChill wrote:
What to do with all the freedom? Personally, I enjoy things like knowing that when I come home, my house will be as I left it because there's no one there to make a mess when I'm gone. I enjoy not having to go to someone else's family functions or work crap. I enjoy not having to tip toe around at 5am so I don't wake anyone else up (if I want to blast music, I totally can, and I do). I enjoy coming and going as I please without having to pay someone else the consideration of checking with their schedule/wants/needs first. I enjoy deciding my own dinners without thinking of anyone else, picking out my own flavored coffee, and not having to be subjected to nonstop television noise(because damn it all I tend to get involved with people who like tv and I don't). Really, the list of things to enjoy about being single go on for miles. But that's just me and my take. I'm somewhat recently single (split with the ex of about 18 years about a year ago now) and really enjoying this living alone/not having to stress someone else thing. For me, that is the freedom, not having to take someone else into consideration. You really can live your life on your own terms this way and that is freakin awesome, imho.


I am single and have no family present in my life. But I still need a roommate because I can't afford to pay the rent all on my own. And her dog absolutely hates and won't stop barking every time I come home, making it absolutely impossible for me to ever enjoy any peace or quiet.

xxZeromancerlovexx wrote:

Do what I do and spend time on a hobby you are good at or remind yourself of what you would have to sacrifice in a relationship. I’ve learned that being single means I don’t have to put down my Switch or PS4 controller to go on a spontaneous date. I don’t have to share my bed with anyone but my plushies. I don’t have to commit to anyone but myself.


I've got a Switch, and gaming laptop, a Fujifilm X-T30, and stack of Marvel and DC omnibuses. And they all just sit in my room collecting dust as I am either too busy with grad school or just too depressed to enjoy them.

badRobot wrote:

What do you need to earn more money? You need to learn. You need to be happy to actually learn and internalize skills and mindsets. You need to be happy to have motivation and grit to apply your knowledge and to achieve goals. Again, happy as in the opposite of "depressed" not in sociocultural romcom-bullshit sense.


I already have a bachelor's degree and have taken several courses over the years. But it doesn't matter how much I know, because every time I interview for a job my body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc are all wrong the interviewer immediately dismisses me.



badRobot
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24 Sep 2021, 7:04 am

dorkseid wrote:
I already have a bachelor's degree and have taken several courses over the years. But it doesn't matter how much I know, because every time I interview for a job my body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc are all wrong the interviewer immediately dismisses me.

Formal education or degree is not actual learning. What we supposed to learn in a school or college to be successful in life is a side product of formal education, we supposed to learn how to get along with people, how to collaborate, how to communicate effectively, how to compensate of what we lack, like body language or tone, how to leverage our strengths and weaknesses. A lot of people just force their way through education, mechanically memorizing stuff and passing tests, without actually internalizing any useful knowledge, developing any useful skills or learning anything actually useful.



badRobot
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24 Sep 2021, 7:08 am

dorkseid wrote:
I've got a Switch, and gaming laptop, a Fujifilm X-T30, and stack of Marvel and DC omnibuses. And they all just sit in my room collecting dust as I am either too busy with grad school or just too depressed to enjoy them.


Do you workout regularly?
Do you have enough direct sunlight every day?
Do you eat healthy food?
Do you regularly spend time just breathing fresh air, looking at trees, grass, water, animals?

If your answer to any of these questions is "no", you are supposed to be depressed and unable to enjoy them.



dorkseid
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24 Sep 2021, 7:25 am

badRobot wrote:
dorkseid wrote:
I already have a bachelor's degree and have taken several courses over the years. But it doesn't matter how much I know, because every time I interview for a job my body language, tone of voice, eye contact, etc are all wrong the interviewer immediately dismisses me.

Formal education or degree is not actual learning. What we supposed to learn in a school or college to be successful in life is a side product of formal education, we supposed to learn how to get along with people, how to collaborate, how to communicate effectively, how to compensate of what we lack, like body language or tone, how to leverage our strengths and weaknesses. A lot of people just force their way through education, mechanically memorizing stuff and passing tests, without actually internalizing any useful knowledge, developing any useful skills or learning anything actually useful.


You mean all he things people on the spectrum are incapable of? That's like telling a paraplegic to learn how to walk.